Buffering

While it's always nice to be needed, it occasionally becomes overwhelming. Sometimes it feels as though I am talked AT ALL DAY LONG instead of talking TO me. From, work, to the bus stop to home, from the boss (aka father) to the kids, to the man, to the dogs somebody needs/ wants something, even if that something is really nothing except their own entertainment. It is hard to find a place of your own, or the space for your own thoughts some days. I find, increasingly, that if I have quiet time, I am able to maintain a quiet mind. If there is constant commotion around me then there is commotion in my mind. The higher my stress level climbs the more I become flustered, anxious, confused, and forgetful. I think the same is true of most people, but I find it exceedingly true for those of us with mental disorders. The need for schedule, lists, consistency and patterns also increase for me to function. Without them even my speach becomes broken. I used to wonder if I was "flighty" or "dumb" because I would forget obvious things and overlook details that seemed plain to others, but it was more often that I was rushed, my regular routine was interrupted, I was overly tired, or especially stressed. More and more I need time, time for me, time to decompress, collect my thoughts. Not because I am unintelligent, but because I am thoughtful, creative, and processed. Without time and quiet I can not complete a thought. Things get spotty and I begin to be creative where I should not be. I begin to magnify things, think illogically, from there it snowballs. The less time I have to think things through clearly, the more irrational I become, until I reach my breaking point (which usually entails crying, screaming, throwing things...you get the picture I think) However, I find taking even 15 minutes to clear my mind makes able to deal with even the big things, like for example being handed a 4 year old without warning. Writing this blog also allows me to collect my thoughts, purge. Them to a degree and look at life again in a new light. Knowing and practicing these simple acts is allowing me to keep myself stable during a very unstable point in my life. I only wish I had learned some of this sooner and been able to save myself some stuggles, and lessened my need for medications, self distruction, and negative self esteem. But with every experience, with every challenge comes a new chance for knowledge, a new chance for growth. A new chance to know yourself a little better, to become a little stronger

Do Kids Come With a Reset Button?

http://mybin.wordpress.com/nature-vs-nurture-series/

Due to the living situation of Chuck's daughter, and her current diagnoses of behavioral and mental disorders, in addition to her mother and brother's mental health disorders, we have been talking quite a bit about nurture vs nature in our house recently. What elements of one's personality are innate and unchangeable, and what are coping mechanisms that stem from our environment? Of those, what can be changed by a change of environment, and what becomes innate after time? For example, it is widely believed that conditions like depression and anxiety are highly hereditary traits, but if you are depressed or anxious your in child will pick up on those emotions, your reactions, and learn from you as a role model. So by the time a child is old enough to display symptoms of either disorder, how do you determine what is a learned behavior and what is something intrinsic? Are the issues this little girl has, something she does TRULY need to be medicated for, or with a more stable, consistent, and nurturing environment, can we change her reactions, and behaviors over time? I tend to believe that your have certain traits that you are born with, and even more that are learned. In conjunction with that, you LEARN how to deal with your inherited thought processes and behaviors. For example, my anxiety, maybe inherited or learned, however, through out the years I have learned different coping mechanisms to deal with anxiety. My initial coping skills where not very health, or helpful for that matter. They involved crying, fit throwing, screaming. Then as I got old they involved more self destructive behaviors, but after some help from counselors I was able to relearn new coping skills that were healthier. Now I practice yoga, draw, blog, do some deep breathing. I still have the anxiety but I have learned to control it.

Chuck believes similarly, but he also believes that if you are traumatized or have a behavioral or mental health issue come up during brain development and you are not taught healthy coping mechanisms, that your brain will, in a sense rewire its self. Therefore something that was once learned becomes ingrained, and permanent. So a child who is not able to develop a health sleep pattern as an infant, my have permanent developmental issues and long-term sleep pattern issues. Bringing to question can you "reset" these behaviors over time, or must you simply teach your child a to cope with this? These are questions we are now studying deeply as we try to create the best atmosphere for this young girl to learn grow and develop in. How do we best help her? What does she need from the adults around her to heal and become a strong individual? How do we reduce the use of medications, and replace them with cognitive behavioral techniques? How many of her issues came from an unstable environment, a lack of guidance, a lack of attention, and how many will remain with her for a life time? What therapies will best help her? Cogitative? Play? Art? Developmental? We are prepared to try them all if we need to. Any advice is appreciated, and I will continue to share what we learn on our journey.

Unexpected

So yesterday the call came, The call we have been both dreading and hoping for. Child services was at Chuck's ex's apartment and called to say that he needed to come get his daughter or she would go to into foster care. Her mother was going to "take care of some of her problems." and her half brother has enough psychological issues at less than 10 years of age, that he has been hospitalized three times now. So with as little as 1 hours warning, I have a new 4 year old (almost) step-daughter living with me. I have been joking that we are a Maxwell House family (instant) but inside I am scared to death. My new daughter is on Seriquil and receives in home therapy from the state. It has been speculated that she is on the autism spectrum. Though her father and I suspect that the issues were more environmental than developmental. We are currently making arrangements to get her re-evaluated. I really want to change her life for the better, but I am worried that we won't be able to. We are in the process of turning the play room into her first room, and getting her first bed. For 2 years now she has slept, with her mother, on a mattress on the living room floor, or on a couch. Her whole little world has been flipped on its head, and yet she is amazingly happy, and calm about it. My daughter too has been amazingly accepting and resilient in this situation, granted it is only day 2, but still. Chuck and I have been freaking out! Of course, that is our jobs as parents. Which, I guess, is why MY mother is freaking out. She is being less than supportive about the whole situation. She is scared about how Chuck's daughter, and her unstable mother, may affect my daughter. Of course I am too, but I have thought all of that through already. As I stated in my I Am OK With My Elephant post, I AM capable of taking care of myself and my daughter. I am able to deal with difficult situations. I am strong, I am smart, and I have depression. I am treated and I am not afraid to ask for help. In fact, both Chuck and I have been overwhelmed by the out pouring of support and help that my friends have offered since journey started a few weeks ago. My counselor has been instrumental in helping me keep my head together and even helped Chuck look for a new counselor for himself. My friends have called and messaged me to make sure we are ok. One friend gave me a whole pep-talk about how this was my chance to change this little girl's life and make a real difference. He told me how he thought I was a great mom and how this little girl REALLY needs people to love her right now. My cousin has been helping me negotiate the world of kids on the spectrum, and all the agencies that can help us. Another friend gave us a bed, and is lending us some clothes. My co-worker's mother wants to make both girls a quilt for their rooms. It is truly touching, and it gives me hope that we will be truly be able to make lemonade, for us and for this little girl. After all it is not her fault that all of this has happened. She deserves someone to do right by her. She deserves to be some one's priority. She deserves some stability, and some unconditional love. I hope we can do that for her. 

It's Not Fair

The on going situation with Chuck's child has me thinking more, and more about parenting, and what is best for a child. Chuck and I really want another baby, but we know life is just too hectic right now. Then all this started with his daughter, and we started talking about the very real possibility of her coming to live with us, depending on what Child Services turned up. So that meant two kids in our house, one who was going to need quite a bit of extra attention, therapy, and some additional developmental help due to the environment she had been in, and one who has been an only child for 6 years, and is VERY used to being the center of everyone's attention. Could we handle more than that? And would it be fair to the kids? Then I start to think about the situation Chuck's daughter is in currently, and I think "OMG that poor little girl. Anything would be better." Again, I begin to revisit where that line is between, sick, and too sick to parent. If she didn't have clean close, didn't have new toys, didn't have her own bed, but was loved, cherished, and cared for, would that matter? Well, she's not. She has never had her own bed. She has never had a toy that her brother didn't destroy. She is on so many behavior meds that she physically appears drugged much of the time. She is receiving more help from the state than most children her age, and is still behind. It is SO unfair to me. I try to understand that her mother is sick, and doesn't understand what she is doing to her child, but I also think of that child and how she has no choice here. I am a firm believer that our children do not ask to be brought into the world, that is a choice WE make, and as such, we owe them everything, and they owe us nothing. We are responsible for their ENTIRE well being. We need to teach them, mold them, educate them so that they can be responsible adults. If there is something we can not do for them, to fulfill their basic. human. needs. WE are responsible for getting help. This mother is not getting help. In fact she is using the systems put in place to help her to her advantage. Using her children's issues (issues I feel she helped creat) to get extra money, extra help watching the kids. Then turning around and getting herself new tattoos and a $500 dog. Yet there is nothing, NOTHING I can do about any of it. I am NOT this poor little girl's mother. I am NOT technically Chuck's wife. I am nothing in this situation. I have no influence, no control. All I can do is sit by and wait. It makes me angry and frustrated. The whole situation seems unfair to me, unfair for Chuck, unfair, for me, unfair for the mom, and especially unfair for Chuck's little girl.

Then on the flip side, I have a friend who is great with kids. She and her husband love being around children. They have been together for about 14 years, and make a good living. Still they don't have their own child. They have chosen not to have a child of their own. My friend has a major genetic physical disability. Her husband has a major mental health diagnosis. So they decided that it would not be right to have a child who could easily be in a large amount of physical and mental pain, aside from the the logistics of how does one who is unable to care for themselves, care for a baby. I know this is heart breaking to them. She often jokes that if her sister were ever to get pregnant by mistake, that she would gladly raise the child. She wants so badly to be a mother, and is loving enough, and has a strong enough maternal instinct to know that it wouldn't be right to put a child through that type of a life. I think the fact that she would even consider that makes her more suited to motherhood than other women who have children might ever be.

The more Chuck and I talk about having our own child the more I begin to examine what is fair, really? I feel like I am a good mother, Chuck is a great dad, but would our mental problems multiply into one hugely disturbed child? Ok I know that is probably an exaggeration, but I do worry. Every parent wants their child to have a better life than what they have, even if your life isn't so bad. We all want the best for our child. So if you know you have a chronic condition, of any type, that could cause your child to suffer, is it fair to have a child. Looking at Chuck and I, our offspring would be almost guaranteed to have depression and anxiety issues. Also, possibly ADD. What if we produce a child that is too scared to leave the house, or is depressive and suicidal? No one wants to think of their child living that type of life. Am I worrying too much? Again where is that line? And why is it so unfair? Why can I not go get that little girl and take care of her? It makes me question or world, God, fate all the big stuff. What is the point of a suffering child? How is that ok in anyone's eyes? The world feels off balance to me right now, and I want to set it right, tip the scales, but I don't know how.

I am OK With My Elepant

Ok this one is shaping up to be a long one, but I feel like there are some important things things to talk about here. I hope I am able to pull it all thogether and have it make sense (especially since my head is a little fuzzy and I have a dog in my lap and a kid hanging on me and several texts from Chuck, all as I try too&amp;nbsp; write.)&lt;/p&gt;<br>
&lt;p&gt;Lately, I have been thinking a lot about mental health labels and public awareness&amp;nbsp; campains and how they affect empowerment. As a modern society we have come a long way in recognizing mental illness, diagnosing, and treating it. People are more in formed, more aware, and have more access to information on all subjects than ever before, but is all that information helping or hurting us? Below are two lists of symptoms of depression I found from credible sources online.&lt;/p&gt;<br>
&lt;p&gt;Symptoms of depression as reported be WebMD.&amp;lt;br&amp;gt;&lt;br&gt;<br>
According to the National Institute of Mental Health, symptoms of depression may include the following: &amp;lt;br&amp;gt;&lt;br&gt;<br>
difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions fatigue and decreased energy feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping irritability, &amp;lt;br&amp;gt;&lt;br&gt;<br>
restlessness loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex &amp;lt;br&amp;gt;&lt;br&gt;<br>
overeating or appetite loss persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts&amp;lt;/p&amp;gt;&lt;br&gt;<br>
&amp;lt;p&amp;gt;Symptoms of depression as reported by The Mayo Clinc.&amp;lt;br&amp;gt;&lt;br&gt;<br>
Depression symptoms include: &amp;lt;br&amp;gt;&lt;br&gt;<br>
Feelings of sadness or unhappiness &amp;lt;br&amp;gt;&lt;br&gt;<br>
Irritability or frustration, even over small matters&amp;lt;br&amp;gt;&lt;br&gt;<br>
Loss of interest or pleasure in normal activities &amp;lt;br&amp;gt;&lt;br&gt;<br>
Reduced sex drive &amp;lt;br&amp;gt;&lt;br&gt;<br>
Insomnia or excessive sleeping &amp;lt;br&amp;gt;&lt;br&gt;<br>
Changes in appetite &amp;amp;#8212;depression often causes decreased appetite and weight loss, but in some people it causes increased cravings for food and weight gain &amp;lt;br&amp;gt;&lt;br&gt;<br>
Agitation or restlessness &amp;amp;#8212;for example, pacing, hand-wringing or an inability to sit still &amp;lt;br&amp;gt;&lt;br&gt;<br>
Slowed thinking, speaking or body movements &amp;lt;br&amp;gt;&lt;br&gt;<br>
Indecisiveness, distractibility and decreased concentration &amp;lt;br&amp;gt;&lt;br&gt;<br>
Fatigue, tiredness and loss of energy &amp;amp;#8212;even small tasks may seem to require a lot of effort &amp;lt;br&amp;gt;&lt;br&gt;<br>
Feelings of worthlessness or guilt, fixating on past failures or blaming yourself when things aren't going right &amp;lt;br&amp;gt;&lt;br&gt;<br>
Trouble thinking, concentrating, making decisions and remembering&amp;lt;br&amp;gt;&lt;br&gt;<br>
Frequent thoughts of death, dying or suicide &amp;lt;br&amp;gt;&lt;br&gt;<br>
Crying spells for no apparent reason &amp;lt;br&amp;gt;&lt;br&gt;<br>
Unexplained physical problems, such as back pain or headaches&amp;lt;/p&amp;gt;&lt;/p&gt;<br>
&lt;p&gt;And here is a tidbit about how clinical depression, as an illness, affects the work place. 213 million lost work days due to clinical depression, accourding to this articles that quotes a 1994 study.&amp;lt;br&amp;gt;&lt;br&gt;<br>
&amp;lt;a href="http://http://www.referenceforbusiness.com/encyclopedia/A-Ar/Absenteeism.html"&amp;gt;http://www.referenceforbusiness.com/encyclopedia/A-Ar/Absenteeism.html&amp;lt;/a&amp;gt;&amp;lt;/p&amp;gt;&lt;/p&gt;<br>
&lt;p&gt;While I recognize the need for the public to know and understand this information, I can't help but wonder if it isn't all just promoting the stereotype that depression makes you lazy, unreliable, disabled in some way. As though people who suffer from depression or other mental illness just put an extra burden on the work place, on society as a whole. Instead of helping people to understand how serious and real mental illness is, are people inturpreting it all as the mentally ill are just less capable? &lt;/p&gt;<br>
&lt;p&gt;Some times I'll ask Chuck things like, "Are we earthy crunchy parents?" "Do you think we are the weird liberal neighbors?" He always responds with "I reject all labels." Ok, well, that's great but what if your label is an actual diagnosis? No employer would look at some one with...say...high blood pressure and decide that made them unfit for their job, unless of course it is a job requiring top physical health for safety, but even then if it is controled by meds... However, if an employer was looking at two equal resumes, and (yes I know its illegal but I am trying to make a point) one applicant has high blood pressure and the other is biopolar...most people would assume the person with high blood pressure is more stable, more capable of doing a job under high stress, more reliable. </p>
<p>Often just getting a diagnosis of being mentally ill can make one feel less empowered. I know many times I have though of myself as "crazy" and Chuck hides his ADD from most people because he feels like they will judge him. Yet we are both fully capable of functioning. We are responsible parents, workers, pet owners and friends. We have a "normal" life, where frankly most people who know us do not know we both have a major mental health diagnosis, let alone more than one condition. We take our meds, go to therapy, go to our psych doc, and live our lives. It seems that those arround us are more affected by knowing our diagnosis than we are. My parents seems to think I need to be taken care of, watched over. They are constantly worried that Chuck has too much baggage to "take care of me and my daughter" but I am not asking him to take care of us. I am taking care of us. My sister is constantly reminding me of how capable I am, and how I shouldn't let anyone tell me I am thisa thing or that thing. But what if I am THAT THING? I do suffer from depression. I accept that. Does that make me any less capable? HELL no! If anything it has made me stronger, more educated, more resourceful. I have a special admiration for Ani Difranco because I find strength in her lyrics. You will find I quote her often, but one of my favorites is "I don't need anyone to hold me I can hold my own" and I believe it is true, and I have been told it is true by many people (Chuck included). </p>
<p>Empowerment is an important thing. Writing this blog has made me feel empowered and validated. Music makes me feel empowered, and yoga, and meditation, and hearing other's storied of their own empowerment. In that spirt here is list of people how had a mental illness who made major contributions to our world:
Abraham Lincoln had severe deppression & suicidal thoughts.
Virginia Wolf- drark drastic mood swings
Lionel Aldridge-was schizophrenic
Eugene O'Neil a famous playwright- clinical depression
Beethoven-bipolar
VanGogh, Isaac Newton, Hemmingway, Tennessee Williams, Winston Churchill, Sylvia Plath all had mental health conditions yet all contributed to society in different, amazing ways. (The link below links to the NAMI article I got the list from) no matter what they did, clearly they are capable people, just like me.
&lt;p&gt;&amp;lt;p&amp;gt;&amp;lt;a href="http://http://www.nami.org/Template.cfm?Section=Helpline1&amp;amp;template=/ContentManagement/ContentDisplay.cfm&amp;amp;ContentID=4858"&amp;gt;http://www.nami.org/Template.cfm?Section=Helpline1&amp;amp;amp;template=/ContentManagement/ContentDisplay.cfm&amp;amp;amp;ContentID=4858&amp;lt;/a&amp;gt;&amp;lt;/p&amp;gt;&lt;/p&gt;</p>

Silencing the Screaming

Everything happens for a reason, right? Well I just spent an hour typing on my cell phone, what was in my opinion, a well thought out post. Only to have it disappear for no apparent reason right off my screen before I published it. So I am choosing to believe that it was because I can do better this time around. (Someday I will get regular internet at home and move into a carefree blog zone. Until that day, I will retype)

Everyone has heard the expression the squeaky wheel gets the grease. There is a line writen by Ani Difranco that goes something like "silence is violence in women and poor people. If more people were screaming then I could relax". In both these cases silence is the enemy. It is what causes people and issues to disappear, become invisible. It tolerates the intolerable. This was my definition of silence most of my life. Even as a child I would talk just to have my existence know. I would scream and through fits to be heard, to be taken care of. Then as a teenager I would talk to fit in, to feel important. I would talk to anyone who might listen, much to the annoyance of some, I am sure. My biggest fear all along, was being unimportant, forgotten, or ignored. Later in life, I had a mentally abusive boyfriend, and I talked about how horrible he was to any audience I could get. Yet, as with so many abused women I would go back to him over and over. Once I was aware enough to realize what was really happening, my screams for help and my yelling to the world about the unjustice that had been done to me by this boy, fell on deft ears. Much like the boy who cried wolf, my call for help seemed largely ignored. Reinforcing to me my unimportance. Soon I turned the screams inward on myself. I yelled at myself for being stupid, or crazy, bad. These" tapes" played at high volume in my head at all times. So I would try to drowned them out. Constantly surrounded myself with people, music, TV, whatever I could to not hear my own thoughts, and I continued talking, about important things, unimportant things, whatever just to fill the air. Then one day I realized that for all those years I was really just talking to the wrong people. Once I got a good therapist and a good doctor, I was heard, and began to heal. It has taken years for me to learn not to fear silence, not to constantly try to fill the blank spots up with "I am here! Hello, listen to me. Hello. Hello. Hello." But now I have a new relationship with silence. I have learned not to bog down the importance of what I have to say by constantly yammering on and on. I have learned the value of time spent alone, in quiet reflection. Now I find I yern for silence, even need it. So much so that I often find myself annoyed when in the presence of someone who can not allow a moment to pass without a comment. I become annoyed, anxious, frustrated without it. And now my life is filled with a young "talker" of my own, two needy pets, and a man who is a nervous talker and has ADD. All of this has added to the value of silence dramatically. I now use silence in the form of meditation to quiet my mind, to turn off the tapes I once worked so hard to tune out. I also enjoy a moment of quiet reflection. Time alone with my thoughs. Time to think things through, organize my ideas. Chuck claims he waits anxiously for me to finish my especially long showers because it seems I often come out of the bathroom with some type of brainstorm about how to make our life or the world better. Don't get me wrong the noise does occasionally sneak back in to my head under the guise of a quiet night. More often though silence allows me to enjoy a moment or idea I may have otherwise missed. This blog came out of one of those long showers. I now hear crickets, birds, and streams, all of which quiets my mind. But the best thing, the most important thing is that now I am heard more often when I need to be. I no longer drowned out the sound of my own voice, and I have not disappeared or become invisible.

I am Peppermint Patty

Dr Seuss

Since beginning There is an Elephant in the Room? I have been reading a lot of other blogs and articles on mental illness. I find so many of them so brave and so inspiring. I had two objectives when I started this blog. The first was to shine a light on mental illness of all types, and how it affects so many individuals and in turn so many families. My second goal, was to share some of my personal experiences with others so that they could know they were not alone, understand, and/or share their experiences. Well and I guess make myself feel more understood and less alone. I guess that means I had three reasons for starting a blog.

Yet even as I read, and write, about the stigmas attached to people with mental illness and talk about bringing it out into the light, I myself hide behind a screen name. It often tears me up. I spend quite a bit of my life hiding my true self from the people around me. I have tried to be myself, tried to talk about counseling, or medications, and I have paid a heavy price for that. Part of my depression and anxiety stems from years of verbal and mental abuse when I was younger, often from the men in my life. Bringing the abuse and the PTSD, depression, and anxiety that followed into the open has cost me friends. At 19 and ER doc who was seeing me for a panic attack sent to crisis center in the middle of nowhere that had all male residents at the time. I have mentioned that my parents are often not supportive in my quest for recovery, they have stopped paying for my private counselor when I was in my 20s because they deemed me "better". My mother has withdrawn completely for weeks at a time. I have had relatives talk about me behind my back. Saying I was depressing to be around, and really down on life. My grandmother once told me she knew I was just "playing" my parents, and I feel I will be forever viewed as the families black sheep. What I want more than anything is to just be ok with that. To be able to say f'em and just be me, but I have never been able to do that. instead I have split myself into two different people essentially. There is the person Chuck, my closest friends, and counselor see who is not perfect. Is often depressed. Is often full of anxiety, and dramatic. Has ticks where the same panicked thought rolls through my head again & again. (Do other people have that by the way? the "I gotta get out of here. I've gotta get out of here". Or the "just be quiet. Just be quiet" rolling through your head over and over on really bad days? Just checking) The person who deals poorly with stress. Occasionally turning to cutting, tattoos, drawing, screaming, and crying to deal with all the pain inside. Then there is the person I present to family, co-workers, and anyone who may come into contact with my parents. THAT girl tries to always look presentable, even when all messed up on the inside. Smiles through the pain and depression. She does not cry in public, or cause a screen ever, or even hesitate at the drive through because the people behind us (or the 16 year old serving me) may think poorly of me. Seeing as I live in the same small town as my parents, and work for my father, that turns out to be quite a lot of people that I pretend around. Meaning that I spend about 75% of my time hiding my true feelings and thoughts from people. I often feel lonely, and unaccepted. I feel like hurt, angry, and sad that the people who claim to love me will never really see me for who I am, let alone accept me. How does one accept and deal with that? It has also rolled in to a form of social anxiety for me, and a lack of self confidence. So I guess technically I AM Peppermint Patty in my world, in my head, then the person my family created in their world. Don't get me wrong my parents and family are good people, but they do not know how to deal with things they don't understand, or can't control. Leaving me stuck in two worlds, sitting on the back of my invisible elephant, and feeling very inadequate, and lonely.