I'm Fine

Sometimes I feel as though depression is my wicked step-sister. Just as I feel like I am going to get to go to the ball, she rips apart the dress the mice and birds made for me, leaving me ragged an alone again. After over a year of having to "overcome" I had several good weeks. I was finding a new direction in my life, and taking real, and solid steps toward new goals. Then, out of nowhere, crying, and not just teary eyes, sobs, full fledged sobs complete with gasps for air in between.

Why? I'm not sure. My first mistake, was letting myself get too tired. Exhaustion, physical or mental, dangle me right on the edge of a meltdown, even if the rest of my world is all roses and sunshine. All it takes is a hard wind to blow me right over the emotional cliff, landed hard on whatever harsh reality waits below.

Second, I have, as usual, been doing the "I'm fine" game. This is a game I have mastered over the years. Sometimes I play it with friends, other times I play it with myself, but most often its both. I'm fine because I need to be strong for my daughter. I'm fine because I don't want to look like you are getting to me. I'm fine because someone I care about has a bigger problem than I do. I'm fine because I have a job to go to, a child to raise, a dog to take care of, work to get done, and a house and laundry to keep up with. I'm fine because I am telling myself I am fine, and that not being fine is just not an option. I, occasionally, convince myself that its true. I look around and think, "Huh, look at that. I feel ok." Right up until I have 5 minutes of quiet, alone with my thoughts. Suddenly, I get hit by an emotional tidal wave and crumb like wet paper.

So I let myself cry. I sobbed, and sobbed until I could pull it together enough to get out of the house. Then I got in the car, and turned up my "angry" music so load I couldn't hear myself singing along any more, and I let myself get really pissed. Pissed at myself, at the people who have hurt me, and just in general. After that, I spent some time just being me with the person who knows me better than anyone else, and that, again, made me cry. I spent a good part of the next day sleeping, recovering from the emotional exhaustion and trying to make up for lost sleep from earlier in the week. But at last, this magical thing happened. I was fine. Not just in words or fine like I'll be fine eventually, but really fine. And the glass slipper fit.