Thursday, July 19, 2012

Like a Little Girl

Suddenly the flood gates broke and I began saying the things I've been holding back for months. My father responds with the stuff he's been holding back. Suddenly I'm 10 years old again and I'm sobbing. I feel myself get light headed and the words begin to choke me again. I hear him and respond in my head, but all that comes out is tears. A constant flow of tears and my head spins. I occasionally try to defend myself or make him understand, but mostly I just cry. I feel trapped, and little. I am thankful when he ends it and says he is leaving. I wanted to stop arguing, stop hurting each other much before that, but again the words just stuck there. They swirl through my head at such a rate that I can hardly make sense of them, but they never escape my lips. As he leave I feel myself crumble. Once shin feeling like I have failed them. Feeling like I have failed me. Like I have just plain failed. I cry harder. I am still 10 years old, I feel disloyal, dishonest and cowardly. What I want most, is what every sad little girl wants. I want someone to scoop me up, wrap me in warmth, and make me feel safe. I look around and find no one there. Now I have failed and it has left me alone, unloved, and crying like a child while I wait for someone to come rescue me. But I am not a child, and knowing this makes me feel even more like I am not ok. Like there MUST be something wrong with me. Why am I crying like a child? Why am I sitting there alone in a dark store? Why am I so unlovable that I deserve to be sitting there alone when I have a husband, parents, and children, a family? What on Earth is wrong with me? What have I done that makes it so hard for someone to be compassionate toward me?

These feelings and questions overwhelm me, and by the time my husband arrives, I am beyond needy. I am a little girl, sitting in the dark, alone, scared, and feeling unimportant, unloved. He does not see this little girl though. The one who is scared and alone. What he sees is a grown woman who he expects to know and understand that he loves her. So the girl is once again alone, feeling like she is unlovable, unsafe, unimportant.

I tell the little girl. I love her. I hear her, and she gets quiet. But I know she is still inside of me. Still full of self doubt, and fear, and blame. She is still scared and lonely, just praying and waiting for someone to wrap her in warmth and safety.

1 comment:

  1. Sounds like you are feeling pretty lost. Without identity and your courage has left you. Your knowing of self worth has been taken and is lacking. If only you could know that you are strong enough to push past these feelings of loneliness and get beyond the past child of youth. If only you could see what the power of your whole life is in your hands. Yes, it may take waves to be made in your family because some may not agree with your decisions. However, You must separate yourself from an unhealthy environment. YOu must know that even though it is hard now and hurts now that it will make a better future. You must harden yourself to harsh words said and disapproving glances and know that you are valid. You are strong. YOU need to look out for YOU. You are a pleaser and so you want everyone to be happy with your decisions but, my friend, in the real world not everyone will be happy with your decisions. SO, how do we deal with disapproval? We know in our hearts that we are doing what we feel is right and we put up a skin (a thick skin) that protects us from those haters. Know your worth and let those who are bringing you strife fade away --for now.

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