Like a Little Girl

Suddenly the flood gates broke and I began saying the things I've been holding back for months. My father responds with the stuff he's been holding back. Suddenly I'm 10 years old again and I'm sobbing. I feel myself get light headed and the words begin to choke me again. I hear him and respond in my head, but all that comes out is tears. A constant flow of tears and my head spins. I occasionally try to defend myself or make him understand, but mostly I just cry. I feel trapped, and little. I am thankful when he ends it and says he is leaving. I wanted to stop arguing, stop hurting each other much before that, but again the words just stuck there. They swirl through my head at such a rate that I can hardly make sense of them, but they never escape my lips. As he leave I feel myself crumble. Once shin feeling like I have failed them. Feeling like I have failed me. Like I have just plain failed. I cry harder. I am still 10 years old, I feel disloyal, dishonest and cowardly. What I want most, is what every sad little girl wants. I want someone to scoop me up, wrap me in warmth, and make me feel safe. I look around and find no one there. Now I have failed and it has left me alone, unloved, and crying like a child while I wait for someone to come rescue me. But I am not a child, and knowing this makes me feel even more like I am not ok. Like there MUST be something wrong with me. Why am I crying like a child? Why am I sitting there alone in a dark store? Why am I so unlovable that I deserve to be sitting there alone when I have a husband, parents, and children, a family? What on Earth is wrong with me? What have I done that makes it so hard for someone to be compassionate toward me?

These feelings and questions overwhelm me, and by the time my husband arrives, I am beyond needy. I am a little girl, sitting in the dark, alone, scared, and feeling unimportant, unloved. He does not see this little girl though. The one who is scared and alone. What he sees is a grown woman who he expects to know and understand that he loves her. So the girl is once again alone, feeling like she is unlovable, unsafe, unimportant.

I tell the little girl. I love her. I hear her, and she gets quiet. But I know she is still inside of me. Still full of self doubt, and fear, and blame. She is still scared and lonely, just praying and waiting for someone to wrap her in warmth and safety.

Advice from Ani

 I often use music as something to heal myself, or at least relate to during times of depression. One of my FAVORITE "angry chick" music (as my ex called it) comes from Ani Defranco. Lately, I have been needing some extra strength in dealing with my family, and out of nowhere Joyful Girl popped into my head. So I thought I'd share, via my blog, some Ani songs that are speaking to me right now.

Joyful Girl

"Joyful Girl"

i do it for the joy it brings
because i'm a joyful girl
because the world owes me nothing
and we owe each other the world
i do it because it's the least i can do
i do it because i learned it from you
i do it just because i want to
because I want to

everything i do is judged
and they mostly get it wrong
but oh well
'cuz the bathroom mirror has not budged
and the woman who lives there can tell
the truth from the stuff that they say
and she looks me in the eye
and says would you prefer the easy way?
no, well o.k. then
don't cry

and i wonder if everything i do
i do instead
of something i want to do more
the question fills my head
i know that there's no grand plan here
this is just the way it goes
and when everything else seems unclear
i guess at least i know

i do it for the joy it brings...

Present Infant

"Present/Infant"

Lately I've been glaring into mirrors picking myself apart
You'd think at my age I'd thought of something better to do
Than making insecurity into a full time job
Making insecurity into an art

And I fear my life will be over
And I will have never lived in unfettered
Always glaring into mirrors
Mad, I don't look better

But now here is this tiny baby
And they say she looks just like me
And she is smiling at me with that present infant glee
Yes, and I would defend to the ends of the earth
Her perfect right to be, be, be, be

So I'm beginning to see some problems
With the ongoing work of my mind
And I've got myself a new mantra
It says don't forget to have a good time
Don't let the sellers of stuff power enough to rob you of your grace

Love is all over the place
There's nothing wrong with your face
Love is all over the place
There's nothing wrong with your face

 

Angry Anymore

 

"Angry Anymore"

growing up it was just me and my mom
against the world
and all my sympathies were with her
when i was a little girl
but now i've seen both my parents
play out the hands they were dealt
and as each year goes by
i know more about how my father must have felt

i just want you to understand
that i know what all the fighting was for
and i just want you to understand
that i'm not angry anymore
i'm not angry anymore

she taught me how to wage a cold war
with quiet charm
but i just want to walk
through my life unarmed
to accept and just get by
like my father learned to do
but without all the acceptance and getting by
that got my father through

night falls like people into love
we generate our own light
to compensate
for the lack of light from above
every time we fight
a cold wind blows our way

but we learn like the trees
how to bend
how to sway and say

i, i think i understand
what all this fighting is for
and baby, i just want you to understand
that i'm not angry anymore
no, i'm not angry anymore

Pleasing All The People

I have a mood disorder, and an anxiety disorder, and probably some less than health self esteem. I take things in, I dwell on them, I roll them around in my brain over and over. It overwhelms me and often makes me feel sad. I play out worse case scenarios in my head, and worry about what I have done wrong. It's like having a home movie of your worst moment set on repeat in you brain. That feeling of disappointing, or hurting, someone I care about aways lingering just below the surface. It eats at me, even little things, little easily forgivable mistakes. I take to heart, because upsetting people is NOT what I do. I make people happy. That is what I have spent my whole life doing, or at least trying to do. My father once told me "You mother and I want to give you some money for Christmas, but I know how you are, so you have to promise not to turn around and use it to buy Christmas gifts for us." Because that's what I do. I give everything I have to try to make people happy, in turn making myself happy, feeling and loved.

Except, it never seems to work. In the end, I am often sucked dry, out of money, love, and energy. Left sad, and unsatisfied. It is said that "You can not please everyone." So after all is said and done, it often turns out, that I am sad and someone in my life is STILL unhappy. Feeling like all my time and energy has gone to waste.

Funny thing about sadness, if you hold on to it for too long it can easily turn into anger and bitterness. Spilling out of me in mean little tidbits, or on occasion, firey explosions where I spew ugly words all over, at top volume, with no filter or restraint. There is nearly immediate guilt, and embarrassment from this loss of control and inablity to censor myself. Leading me back, full circle to feeling like a bad daughter, girlfriend, friend, sister, employee...you name it.  And so the movie begins to play again, only with a new scene added to the end, but never the happy ending that I am continuously working so hard to create.

My Little Sun Shine

I do have to say there is a bright side to my weekend, even though I have spent much of it in pain and feeling like puking. After all the worrying about adding Chuck's daughter, Sally, to our family, and the frustration of such a big change, it seems to be coming together now. Her behavior has changed dramatically since she first came. There are less fits. At her re-evaluation last week they told Chuck she is a whole different child, and agreed to begin weaning her of the anti-psychotic medication she's been on. We are finally getting some help from behavioral health professionals here in the house, and she has gotten in to a pre-K program to help her get ready for school. But the best feeling of all is that she seems to be really bonding with us as a family, and really happy to be here. My daughter is visiting her father this weekend and while we all miss her (Sally included) it has given me some time to really focus on Sally and talk to her. We have gone to lunch with Chuck, colored, watched movies, gone to visit friends and all the while we talk. (She is QUITE a talker tee hee) I use this time to ask her about her mother and how she feels being away from her. We chat about her visiting her mother's family soon and how she feels about seeing them then coming back here. About how many times she has moved in her four years, and how she didn't like that. I tell her over and over how we are a family and this is her home. How we will make sure sh has her own bed and room. How we will keep her safe and how we will be her family until she is big enough to have her own family. We talk about about not getting our own way, and working as a family, and how disappointments can be hard. She seems to understand me. I try hard to understand her. The way we relate to each other makes me feel good. The way I am able to calm her down when she throws a fit, and the way she holds on to me tighter when she is scared, makes me feel like I am good at taking care of her, like I am making a difference for her. She is (next to my little girl of course) the sweetest damn thing I have ever met, and I want her to have the love, self confidence, family, and life she deserves. More, and more I feel like I, like we, can give her that.

Just Us

<p>As much as I want to be educated about my mental health, Chuck's mental health, the girl's mental health, and how all of it effects our family, some days I just want to forget any of us have an issues. Not that I want to ignore problems, more that I want to just be us, in whatever form that takes. We are constantly talking about it in our house. There are regular counseling, psych doc appointments, article reading...It wears on me. Right now I am having issues with my physical health also, which makes me even more worn down. I feel frustrated, and like it would be nice to just be a "normal" family. Just for a night, or a day. To not have to talk about meds, behavior, moods, and just be us. I think it would be nice for us all. No reading, no analyzing, no talking about what's "wrong" with us. Just spending time together, enjoying each other, and having fun.

Who Made This Mess!?

Alright, one more post for tonight. (This one slightly more light hearted than the last) I pose a question to you. Yes, you anyone who maybe ready. I just saw an article on pets and anxiety level, and this is somewhat of an on going debate in my house. Do pets increase or decrease your level of happiness and anxiety? I am an animal lover! I have never NOT had a pet. At most points in my life I have had more than one for legged friend. I have an especially soft spot for dogs. They are loyal, they accept you for just who you are, and they are ALWAYS happy to see you. And over all, they are pretty simplistic in that if you love them and treat them well, they return that energy too you. Each dog has its own unique personality and issues, just like humans. So in our house we have pets, and I adore them. They make me laugh. They snuggle with me. They show me affection when I am lonely, and they watch over us as a family. Protect us from the evil thunder storm, or the dreaded neighborhood bunny. (We live in a pretty mellow little town) That being said our pets are what I call "special needs" animals. In other words they are rescue animals who have some issues. They both have some degree of separation anxiety making them ESPECIALLY needy all the time and constantly under foot. One suffers so severely that she become panicked and distructive when left alone (less so now that she is ederly and not as mobile) They other is super sweet but really not the sharpest knife in the drawer, so to speak. Also, needs constant supervision because he likes to mark things as being his. Once even went as far as to make me as his territory. Needless to say, there is often quite a lot of cleaning up after them to do. In combination with the added financial burden, you can understand there is some level of stress that goes along with this. Now Chuck never really had pets growing up, so this whole experience is new to him. He enjoys them and is attached to them, but let's be honest, he would probably not have a pet if it were not for me. They are definitely NOT his four legged babies like they are mine. His argument is that with kids and all we have had going on for the last year, that they are just one more thing to worry about, and they are. Some days I feel like he is right and it is too much for us, but the next minute one of them makes me laugh so hard, or feel so loved that I can't imagine not having them. It is hard to find that balance though, between work and enjoyment, and between pet lover and pet liker. So do they add to our happiness as a family, or our anxiety?

oh lord please don't let me be misunderstood

first, let me say i am again writing from my cell phone, so bare with me. anyway, i have found that having been diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety disorsers are some times a blessing and a curse. for myself i feel like...ohhhhh so thatms the problem. however, foro those around me i often feel it is used as just another excuse to ignore my feelings/need. a kind of a, ohhhh do not mind her, she is crazy kind of a thing. how can something that help me understand myself better make me so much less understood by those who care about me

misery loves company

let me start this post by saying that i am posting tonight from my phone, so please excuse the spelling errors and such. i feel like a true crazy person today. i have been in such a funk and i have no idea why. i actually have a three day weekend, chuck and i had an excellent couples counseling session yesterday, i even took a nap today. but still i am just miserable. i can not pin point exactly why either. it is driving me crazy. i want to enjoy my life, my time with my friends and family this weekend. it is rare that i get a weekend off. i did get my meds refilled yesterday so i did get some sleep. i want so badly to just snap myself out of it. i find my boiling point to be really low on days like today. i do not feel i have been very loving to chuck or very pateint with my daughter or our ultra needy, must be on your lap at all times dog. i am going to try some self medicating with a drink or too and hope that tomorrow is a brighter day.

Does this Mood Make Me Look Fat?

Folding Chair-I've got a perfect body, but sometimes I forget
I've got a perfect body, 'cause my eyelashes catch my sweat
yes they do
They do

Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh-ooh
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

Present/Infant-
lately i've been glaring into mirrors
picking myself apart
you'd think at my age
i'd of thought of something better to do
then make insecurity into a full time job
make insecurity into an art
(yea and i) fear my life will be over
(and i) will have never lived it unfeathered
always glaring into mirrors
mad i don't look better
now here's this tiny baby
and they say she looks just like me
and she is smiling at me
with that present infant glee
yes and i would defend to the ends of the earth
her perfect right to be, (be, be, be)
so i'm begining to see some problems
with the ongoing work of my mind
and i've got myself a new mantra
it says "don't forget to have a good time"
don't let the sellers of stuff
have power enough
to rob you of your grace
love is all over the place
there's nothing wrong with your face
love is all over the place
there's nothing wrong with your face
lately i've been glaring into mirrors
picking myself apart

Ahhhhhh Regina, Ani you are wise, wise women! Why is it then that SO many educated, intelligent, modern, BEAUTIFUL women still doubt there physical attractiveness? A loaded question I know, with no simple answer, but as a mother of a beautiful, warm, charismatic little girl I find I am constantly looking for the answer. I am currently reading  Cinderella Ate My Daughter (a recommended read for all moms of girls I must say!) and it is amazing the lengths the world of marketing goes to to enforce the picture perfect, princess image to our girls, but in keeping with the idea of how our metal "defects" affect our families I would like to look at this tissue on a more personal level, a more fundamental level, a level we have a very real amount of control over. That is, what messages do we as moms send our children about weight and appearance? I grew up in an environment that was very focused on appearance, physical appearance and social appearance. What people thought of us as a family and as individuals was considered to be of utmost importance! What people thought of us as children was considered to be a DIRECT reflection of the type of family and parents we had. Embarrassing my parents was considered to be the worst insult a child could bestow on them. My mother made sure we were dressed in clothes that were better than we could afford, our hair was ALWAYS done, and smiles were on our faces. Let me just say, that's a lotta pressure on a kid. Of course, to be fair, she put the same amount of pressure on herself to be equally as perfect looking. Every weight gain (ours or hers) was noted, sometimes subtly, sometimes not. I know this was something that my sister and I carried into our teenage and adult lives. It is still something we talk about. It is evident when ever there is a family crisis, or a big family event, my sister and I will spend hours talking about, debating, and trying on clothes and shoes. We will then talk jewelry, hair, and make-up and totally ignore the emotional part of whatever event we are about to attend. Then we openly, and sometimes harshly criticize each other's clothes, hair, shoes, adding to the pressure to "get it right".

Later in life this has translated for me into some body image distortions. I went through a time where I had some major emotional issues, and I felt out of control. What I could control, however, was what and how much I ate. It felt good to me to have the will power to not eat. People noticed how much weight I was loosing and commented on it. I knew it was unhealthy, but let's face it, the focus in our society is not to be healthy, but to be SKINNY! Perfectly, controllable skinny! 96 pounds skinny in fact. I was able to over come this to a degree with the help of my counselor. However, I still struggle with my body. The anti-depressant I take has made me gain weight recently, and I am miserable about it. Add to that the stretch marks from pregnancy, and scaring from 2 separate laparoscopic surgeries and you have a bad mix for someone who already wasn't happy with their body. Getting dressed is a constant struggle. Pictures are not something I care to deal with EVER, and special occasions make me hyper ventilate. Special occasions mean pictures AND stress about what I am wearing and how it fits! It affects my mood, my sex drive, my self confidence, to say nothing of my desire to be seen in a swim suit. Then I feel anxious and depressed, which makes me wanna eat, which makes me feel bad, which makes me wanna eat...

I try not to dwell on it or talk about it to much in front of my daughter, but it is hard. I am sure she picks up on the 7 outfit changes, and all the fussing when I am getting ready. Which is a whole nother blog in, and of itself.  So there ya have it, tomorrows entry. How do we stop the cycle of hating our appearance when it is so deeply ingrained in our society, our gender, and our families?

Don't Rain On My Parade

Today's elephant is self-esteem. Not just our own, but other people's and how it affects us and our daily lives. I am not one of those people who is able to tune out other people's negativity out. I wish I were, but I find more often it cuts right through me. Take yesterday as an example, I was in a pretty good mood. Having an ok kind of a day. Then near the end of the day, one person, who was apparently have a worse day, decided to share with me. I did react with "that was just rude" which was met with more nasty comments, and in a mater of 2 minutes time my whole mood and outlook had changed. My fiance has read about Highly Sensitive People http://www.hsperson.com/ and wonders if I may be in that camp. Either way, yesterdays encounter though only about 5 minutes in total length left me in a bad mood and feeling bad about myself for hours after. I know logically that everyone has their own issues, and while it is not right to take them out on others, it is not anything personal toward me. Yet when it comes from someone you are close to, and is about your appearance, inelegance, or life it is hard NOT to take it personally. So how do you not let it ruin your day? How do you not let someone who's personal self-esteem or mental state is unstable take you down when they lash out at you in a personal or abusive way? Is it simply a mater of having enough self-esteem stored up to withstand the blow?

Currently, my fiance (who we will call Chuck) has been laid off. His job is something he has struggled with since we met. It is also, as with most men, a major source of his self-esteem. I know he often worries that he has let me down, that he is not contributing enough to our family. He feels badly that he did not finish his degree, and he is angry with himself sometimes for not "living up to his potential". He feels depressed being home all day long while I am at work. As a couple we struggle with all these things, in addition to the stress that a dip in his income has caused. About a month ago we started couple's counseling to help us communicate about and deal with these issues. Feeling "not good enough" is a constant struggle for us both. It makes us defensive, depressed, and extra sensitive, making it harder to communicate. It often seems to cause us to pull away from each other at a time when we need to be supporting each other. One of my former counselors once told me that each person has an emotional bank account. When yours is empty it makes it impossible for you to make withdraws from it in order to make deposits in someone else's account. A new twist on the old you can't love someone else, until you love yourself. But what if the person you are dealing with is unaware that their bank account is low, or even that they are making you feel bad? On the flip side, sometimes overdrawing your account slightly can have big returns. This morning, knowing I had felt especially bad last night, and that I have been struggling with the fact that I recently gained weight, Chuck gave me a hug and told me how pretty I look today. It improved my mood and made me feel ok with myself. In return, I am now able to be more loving and supportive toward him through out the day. Instead of being introverted and depressed all day.