Pleasing All The People

I have a mood disorder, and an anxiety disorder, and probably some less than health self esteem. I take things in, I dwell on them, I roll them around in my brain over and over. It overwhelms me and often makes me feel sad. I play out worse case scenarios in my head, and worry about what I have done wrong. It's like having a home movie of your worst moment set on repeat in you brain. That feeling of disappointing, or hurting, someone I care about aways lingering just below the surface. It eats at me, even little things, little easily forgivable mistakes. I take to heart, because upsetting people is NOT what I do. I make people happy. That is what I have spent my whole life doing, or at least trying to do. My father once told me "You mother and I want to give you some money for Christmas, but I know how you are, so you have to promise not to turn around and use it to buy Christmas gifts for us." Because that's what I do. I give everything I have to try to make people happy, in turn making myself happy, feeling and loved.

Except, it never seems to work. In the end, I am often sucked dry, out of money, love, and energy. Left sad, and unsatisfied. It is said that "You can not please everyone." So after all is said and done, it often turns out, that I am sad and someone in my life is STILL unhappy. Feeling like all my time and energy has gone to waste.

Funny thing about sadness, if you hold on to it for too long it can easily turn into anger and bitterness. Spilling out of me in mean little tidbits, or on occasion, firey explosions where I spew ugly words all over, at top volume, with no filter or restraint. There is nearly immediate guilt, and embarrassment from this loss of control and inablity to censor myself. Leading me back, full circle to feeling like a bad daughter, girlfriend, friend, sister, employee...you name it.  And so the movie begins to play again, only with a new scene added to the end, but never the happy ending that I am continuously working so hard to create.

Lesson Learned

It has been awhile since I written a blog entry. There has been too much going on to be able to document how I was feeling. Plus, with all the emotional turmoil, once I get the kid in bed, all I want is sleep!

Anyway, It only seems appropriate that I re-enter the blogaspher, with a lessons learned blog. So here goes...

What I have learned over the last month:

I am stronger than I think. More than once, recently, I have felt like I just could not take any more stress, pain, anxiety, whatever. Some days have been more of a struggle than others, but I have gotten through them all. One day at a time, one step at a time.

Good friends are an asset one should NOT underestimate. I have a really incredible group of friends who will support me through anything, who do not judge me for my mistakes, and who love me more unconditionally than ANY man ever has. (Some of them even cook me REALLY yummy food!) Leaning on them when I need to, has helped me immeasurably.

I am not the sum of my problems/ illnesses. I maybe sick (still no diagnosis). I may suffer from clinical depression and anxiety. I may have made some stupid choices in my life, but none of that defines me, it just adds depth!

Nose rings and medical tests don't mix. Damn thing was harder to get out than I expected, and it once I took it out the hole closed up in like no time flat!

People can surprise you. While my mother still seems to be having trouble full understanding clinical depression, she is for the first time in my life, talking how it effects my daily life, and stress level. She is also accepting, and encouraging me to continue on my medication and in counseling. BIG STEP!!!!

Broken promises can break relationships. If you break a promise by mistake, or on purpose, it changes your relationship with the person to whom the promise was made. Even little promises can add up to BIG mistrust and hurt feelings. respect the trust and feelings of those you love, own up to your mistakes, and (even though its a cliche) trust is something not easily earned.

Learn from your mistakes. Take ownership of all you do and say. even though we teach our children it is ok to make a mistake, we rarely believe it for ourselves. But it is ok. Embrace it, even if it feels uncomfortable, and above all learn from it. Be stronger, smarter, better because of it.

I love arts and crafts! There really is no better therapy for me than art therapy. It is an outlet for all I hold inside. It clears my mind, and makes me happy. It is also a great way to communicate and connect with my girly girl.

HAVE SOME FUN!!!! Once the depression hits I find it far too easy to shut myself off from the world, lock myself up at home, and sit around analyzing where I went wrong, over, and over, and over, and over (well you get it.) Anyone who suffers from depression knows, this only fuels the fire. Self analysis is great, but there is such a thing as too much of a good thing!

I actually kind-a like....me. Huh, who knew!? Yeah I'm quirky, I love aluminium Christmasmas trees, and campy roadside attractions. But, after hours of analysis (see above) I have decided I am not as bad as I thought i was. I am smart, cute, hysterical (just trust me on that one) talented, and AMAZING momma, and a good person. I could be worse!

Is Control Controling You?

I have this reoccurring dream. In it I am in a moving car, that is out of control and speeding either in to traffic, or a tree, or cliff, or some other terrifying possible doom. Meanwhile I am in the backseat unable to regain control of the car. Sometimes it is just me and some times my daughter is also in the car. Occasionally, I can reach the steering wheel, but not the break, other dreams I can get to either. It took me years to figure out that that dream meant I felt like I had lost control in my life. The dream started when I was a teenager and involved with and abusive and controlling boyfriend, but continued throughout my adult life as I felt like I was being controlled by my parents, a man, or even a situation.

http://www.ineedmotivation.com/blog/tag/control/



Control (as defined by freedictionary.com)

con·trol (kn-trl)

tr.v. con·trolled, con·trol·ling, con·trols

1. To exercise authoritative or dominating influence over; direct. See Synonyms at conduct.

2. To adjust to a requirement; regulate: controlled trading on the stock market; controls the flow of water.

3. To hold in restraint; check: struggled to control my temper.

4. To reduce or prevent the spread of: control insects; controlled the fire by dousing it with water.

5.

a. To verify or regulate (a scientific experiment) by conducting a parallel experiment or by comparing with another standard.

b. To verify (an account, for example) by using a duplicate register for comparison.

n.

1. Authority or ability to manage or direct: lost control of the skidding car; the leaders in control of the country.

2.

a. One that controls; a controlling agent, device, or organization.

b. An instrument or set of instruments used to operate, regulate, or guide a machine or vehicle. Often used in the plural.

3. A restraining device, measure, or limit; a curb: a control on prices; price controls.

4.

a. A standard of comparison for checking or verifying the results of an experiment.

b. An individual or group used as a standard of comparison in a control experiment.

5. An intelligence agent who supervises or instructs another agent.

6. A spirit presumed to speak or act through a medium.

Seems to me that control is the bottom line in so many of life's conflicts and dilemmas. We fight for control of our children's behaviors and environment, our finances, our weight, our health. We become increasing frustrated when things in our life move beyond our control.

When our health goes in a direction we don't like and can't be improved or the cause is unknown, many people become depressed or angry. I am experiencing this now. Likewise, when your children are displaying behavior that we don't like, or choosing friends we don't prefer, though it is for their own good, we try to control that behavior, or exposure to the undesirable friend. When this fail we become angry, frustrated. We try yelling, bribing, reasoning, but the bottom line is that they are separate little people, with separate minds, and desires. While that is a good thing, something we even encourage, independent thinking and a strong sense of self, as a parent it is frustrating when we are trying to keep our children safe and set good boundaries for them. It is a hard line to walk at times. I think every parent has stepped over that line in an effort to exercise their parental authority, because they feel challenged by their child. Usually, ending in a crying child and upset parent. Again, not an easy line to walk.

Some of us want to control EVERY thing around us. Feeling like letting go of that control makes us vulnerable, able to be taken advantage of. Others, can not function without controlling their environment, maybe because they are easily distracted or forgetful, maybe they are OCD, maybe they just can't function in clutter. Whatever the reason control is often a huge issue in the work place as well. My co-worker is SO in need of control that he often takes over when someone else is talking to the owner, or a customer. He also keeps copies of pricing guides or memos at his desk that we all need access to, so that he always knows where they are. It annoys the rest of us, and with a boss that also is extremely disorganized and at once tries to micro manage parts of projects, while over looking other parts, it often makes for a disorganized and unproductive day full of just trying to chase down the materials you need.

In the end, one must learn that you can not control the actions of others, and the hard you try to, the harder you make things for yourself. People don't change the things they don't want to change, no matter what age they are. Pushing them usually only leads to hurt feelings between you both. Many of life's situations can not be changed either. You can't control the car breaking down, someone getting sick unexpectedly, that bill you hadn't counted on, the tree limb that fell on you garage, or a change in plans because of the weather. Often the more things you try to control the more things that feel out of control to you. Until you find yourself constantly trying to change what is not changeable, trying to make every situation into what you WANT it to be, instead of excepting what is. There is article after article about the key to happiness being the ability to let go. It is such a simple concept, not giving up, but knowing what can and can not be done. Why is it such an unreachable thing for so many of us? Why is it so hard to see when you are making your own life more difficult than it needs to be? How do you let go? Is it will, faith, Zenism? How doe you keep your need for control from controlling your life?

Who Made This Mess!?

Alright, one more post for tonight. (This one slightly more light hearted than the last) I pose a question to you. Yes, you anyone who maybe ready. I just saw an article on pets and anxiety level, and this is somewhat of an on going debate in my house. Do pets increase or decrease your level of happiness and anxiety? I am an animal lover! I have never NOT had a pet. At most points in my life I have had more than one for legged friend. I have an especially soft spot for dogs. They are loyal, they accept you for just who you are, and they are ALWAYS happy to see you. And over all, they are pretty simplistic in that if you love them and treat them well, they return that energy too you. Each dog has its own unique personality and issues, just like humans. So in our house we have pets, and I adore them. They make me laugh. They snuggle with me. They show me affection when I am lonely, and they watch over us as a family. Protect us from the evil thunder storm, or the dreaded neighborhood bunny. (We live in a pretty mellow little town) That being said our pets are what I call "special needs" animals. In other words they are rescue animals who have some issues. They both have some degree of separation anxiety making them ESPECIALLY needy all the time and constantly under foot. One suffers so severely that she become panicked and distructive when left alone (less so now that she is ederly and not as mobile) They other is super sweet but really not the sharpest knife in the drawer, so to speak. Also, needs constant supervision because he likes to mark things as being his. Once even went as far as to make me as his territory. Needless to say, there is often quite a lot of cleaning up after them to do. In combination with the added financial burden, you can understand there is some level of stress that goes along with this. Now Chuck never really had pets growing up, so this whole experience is new to him. He enjoys them and is attached to them, but let's be honest, he would probably not have a pet if it were not for me. They are definitely NOT his four legged babies like they are mine. His argument is that with kids and all we have had going on for the last year, that they are just one more thing to worry about, and they are. Some days I feel like he is right and it is too much for us, but the next minute one of them makes me laugh so hard, or feel so loved that I can't imagine not having them. It is hard to find that balance though, between work and enjoyment, and between pet lover and pet liker. So do they add to our happiness as a family, or our anxiety?

Drugging the Elephant

antidepressant use climbs as primary care doctors do the prescribing

It was interesting that I found this article today. Chuck and I were just talking about this last night. I believe that the problem here is two ply. First, we are lazy Americans who want a magic pill to make everything better. That pill has side affects, that's okay there is a pill for that too. We do not want to take a good long look at ourselves or the direction we have gone as a society and make the hard decisions we should be making. Or healing the the wounds we should be healing. We want to skim the surface, of our emotions, and continue taking the pill or eating the food, or buying the products that make us feel good for the moment. It is ALL about instant gratification. Plus, we are egotistical as Americans. We believe we know better than the rest of the world, and that there is no need to look at the way other cultures maintain their health, mental or physical, so holistic and whole person approaches are ignored. We treat the illness or the symptoms, but not the whole person. We place NO emphasis on how the mind affects the body. Reflection, emotional awareness, and depression are all considered weakness (especially among men) in our society. Meditation, mindfulness, yoga... are all more excepted, but mostly considered "new age" and not give much thought as viable options for most people. Proper diet and exercise are not as focused on as being "skinny" is. No one seems to care that ALL of that affects our moods. Don't get me wrong I am FAR from being Tom Cruise on this issue. I have been on antidepressants since I was 19. There is a very real need for them as PART of treatment for metal illness, not as the only treatment.

I think the second reason is that there is still so much of a stigma about metal illness and depression. People don't want to admit they have a problem, to themselves or to others. It makes it incredibly hard to get help and maintain your mental health if you do not have a recovery plan and support team. It is much easier to tell work, family, friends that you are going to you PCP for a check up then to go to a Psychiatrist and separate therapist to be diagnosed and treated properly. That is why it is so, so very important that we continue to make strides on improving the basic understanding and education of metal illness today and depression. You CAN NOT just snap out of it, you are NOT crazy if you need help, and you CAN get treatment and feel better.