Mental health days

Just like so many people with anxiety and depression disorders, I can get easily overwhelmed and run down. I push myself to keep going, but ever now and then I just can't. I end up calling in sick and staying home most of the day. But I work for my father who is not always forgiving when I am sick. I end up with a double helping of guilt. One, because I am not physically sick, and two because I have now lied to my father about why I am not coming in.

Do other you take mental health days? Do you feel guiltily when you take a day off work to rest your mind and not your body? Do you think people with mental illness should be allowed to take sick days to rest or deal with their depression, just like people with physical illnesses do?

Goldfish Memory

"They say goldfish have no memories. I guess there lives are much like mine, and the little plastic castle is a surprise everytime."-Ani Difranco

I was going to write a blog on the affects of depression, anxiety, and psyc meds on one's memory...but I forgot! No, no, no I am not joking. I was thinking this morning that I wanted to write about my recent increase of meds, and how that, mixed with my depression and anxiety have made it really hard to form full thoughts. When I got to my computer I opened up Blogger, I looked at my dashboard to check my stats, and then sat here blankly staring at the screen thinking "What was it I was thinking about writing about today?" UGGGGHHHH

Sadly, this is not totally uncommon for me. I think of myself as a fairly intelligent person, but when my depression peaks, it is like my mind jut turns mooshy. If you add to that an increase in medications, a change, or addition of medications, ohhhh it's not good. I currently take 2 anti-depressants, 1 anti-anxiety med, migraine meds, Ambien for sleep, AND muscel relaxants from time to time. They just upped my anti-depressant by 20mg and doubled my anti-anxiety. Neadless to say, I have trouble remembering little things, like where I left my cell phone, or the name of the neighbor dog. Often times I will find my mind empty, I will be looking at the neighbor dog (I have had the same neighbor dogs for 4 years) I will know I know the dog's name, but I will come up with nothing, not even the beginning letter. This is especially problematic at work, where as a sales person in a small business, I am often juggling a number of things at a time. I am also a single mom. My daughter, now 7 will say to me, "Momma I didn't brush my teeth" or "Momma what about my hair." I try to remind myself that it is ok, that SHE is ok even if I forget to make her brush before bedtime, but I often feel a pang of guilt about it. Then there is the driving! Sometimes, I get to my destination and have trouble remembering the actual journey there. Or I loose my car in the parking lot. Interesting house, horses, signs along side the road...let's just say, I am grateful for rumble strips. I constantly feel like I am walking around in this weird hypnotic state.

And then there is talking. WOW, that can be tricky! It is like my brain, and my tongue are no long connected. I stutter. I stop mid-sentance. I forget what word I was going to use. I switch letters around so I am dalking the wog, intead of walking the dog. Sometimes mid sentance, I will trail off and just loose my thought all together. People that have to deal with me must think I am a total bird brain, while those close to me imediately reconise it. It is REALLY frustrating. Especially when I KNOW what I am trying to say, but can not seem to get the words out, or when I just trip over my own words over and over. I want to carry a sign around that says "I am NOT stupid, or drunk, but please speak slowly I AM heavily medicated. (trust me it's for the best for everyone)"

Does this happen to everyone? Is it a common problem for people with mental health issues? Good golly I hope I'm not alone in this!!!

Just Us

<p>As much as I want to be educated about my mental health, Chuck's mental health, the girl's mental health, and how all of it effects our family, some days I just want to forget any of us have an issues. Not that I want to ignore problems, more that I want to just be us, in whatever form that takes. We are constantly talking about it in our house. There are regular counseling, psych doc appointments, article reading...It wears on me. Right now I am having issues with my physical health also, which makes me even more worn down. I feel frustrated, and like it would be nice to just be a "normal" family. Just for a night, or a day. To not have to talk about meds, behavior, moods, and just be us. I think it would be nice for us all. No reading, no analyzing, no talking about what's "wrong" with us. Just spending time together, enjoying each other, and having fun.

My Favorite Jem

Inspired by bat crap crazy today I have been thinking about friends. Girl Friends specifically and how I would not have made it this far without the friends I have. Now there are people who come into your life for a reason and then you grow apart or go your separate ways. There are friends who cycle in and out of your life. Sending love, and some laughs your way from time to time. Then there are the kind of friends who (as they say) know everything about you and love you anyway.


I have a really great group of friends. They support me through the depressed times, they offer me a hand when I fall down, a glass of wine when I need it, a shoulder to cry on, some perspective, even helped me get all the basics covered when we got the surprise call from child services. Each of them brings a certain strength to our friendship, ALL of them have a FABULOUS sense of humor, and I am constantly amazed by how strong and supportive they are.

http://fineartamerica.com/featured/girl-friends-jerry-l-barrett.html

Today though I am missing one friend more than I can say. She up and moved halfway across the country about 2 months ago. She is one of those 1 in a million friends. She and I connect on a different level. She knows all my faults, and all the stupid things I have done in my life (ok well most of the stupid things). In spite of all the craziness in her own life she always has time for me.We both talk too much, and have a warped sense of humor. We dye our hair funny colors, pierce things, and get tattoos as therapy (sometimes together). She is an amazing artist, and has the same type of life philosophies that I do. We can talk about our less than perfect mental health.  I can cry (literally) to her, and she will just listens when I need her to and offers suggestions where she can. We both have partners in life that have metal illnesses, allowing to talk to each other without worrying about being judged. I got spoiled by having her in my life and only a 20 minute drive away. About 3x a month we would catch up with each other. It often took hours, and several drinks, to fill each other in on our lives. We once even had a slumber party with my daughter involving movies, dinner, ice cream, and A LOT of talking. We had pedicure dates, pizza night, and trips to the mall. I even made she and her husband chick pea soup one night. We leaned on each other a lot, I guess even more than I realized because the last few months I am feeling lost without her, and I have needed her. With all that is happening with Chuck's daughter coming and my depression worsening, I have missed my friend. And I know she has missed me as well. She is trying to adjust to a new community, far away from her family. Her husband has been struggling with all the changes and has been sick again because of it. We keep in touch as best we can via Facebook, text, email, and phone calls, but it is not the same. It is hard to have a drink with a friend who is 12 hours away! I miss being able to say, "I need to get out, whacha up to?" and meeting her an hour later. I miss curling up on her couch for long talks, and going for walks with her and her dog. I miss giving her a hug, or her giving me one. Most of all I miss having someone who I never have to hide anything about myself.I am not sure if she knows, but her support has been influentially in keeping me grounded and stable, and I am definantly seeing a difference in myself without her here. Being able to be completely relaxed and at home, without feeling judgement. She just gets it, no matter what it is, and I love her for it.

Drugging the Elephant

antidepressant use climbs as primary care doctors do the prescribing

It was interesting that I found this article today. Chuck and I were just talking about this last night. I believe that the problem here is two ply. First, we are lazy Americans who want a magic pill to make everything better. That pill has side affects, that's okay there is a pill for that too. We do not want to take a good long look at ourselves or the direction we have gone as a society and make the hard decisions we should be making. Or healing the the wounds we should be healing. We want to skim the surface, of our emotions, and continue taking the pill or eating the food, or buying the products that make us feel good for the moment. It is ALL about instant gratification. Plus, we are egotistical as Americans. We believe we know better than the rest of the world, and that there is no need to look at the way other cultures maintain their health, mental or physical, so holistic and whole person approaches are ignored. We treat the illness or the symptoms, but not the whole person. We place NO emphasis on how the mind affects the body. Reflection, emotional awareness, and depression are all considered weakness (especially among men) in our society. Meditation, mindfulness, yoga... are all more excepted, but mostly considered "new age" and not give much thought as viable options for most people. Proper diet and exercise are not as focused on as being "skinny" is. No one seems to care that ALL of that affects our moods. Don't get me wrong I am FAR from being Tom Cruise on this issue. I have been on antidepressants since I was 19. There is a very real need for them as PART of treatment for metal illness, not as the only treatment.

I think the second reason is that there is still so much of a stigma about metal illness and depression. People don't want to admit they have a problem, to themselves or to others. It makes it incredibly hard to get help and maintain your mental health if you do not have a recovery plan and support team. It is much easier to tell work, family, friends that you are going to you PCP for a check up then to go to a Psychiatrist and separate therapist to be diagnosed and treated properly. That is why it is so, so very important that we continue to make strides on improving the basic understanding and education of metal illness today and depression. You CAN NOT just snap out of it, you are NOT crazy if you need help, and you CAN get treatment and feel better.