Goldfish Memory

"They say goldfish have no memories. I guess there lives are much like mine, and the little plastic castle is a surprise everytime."-Ani Difranco

I was going to write a blog on the affects of depression, anxiety, and psyc meds on one's memory...but I forgot! No, no, no I am not joking. I was thinking this morning that I wanted to write about my recent increase of meds, and how that, mixed with my depression and anxiety have made it really hard to form full thoughts. When I got to my computer I opened up Blogger, I looked at my dashboard to check my stats, and then sat here blankly staring at the screen thinking "What was it I was thinking about writing about today?" UGGGGHHHH

Sadly, this is not totally uncommon for me. I think of myself as a fairly intelligent person, but when my depression peaks, it is like my mind jut turns mooshy. If you add to that an increase in medications, a change, or addition of medications, ohhhh it's not good. I currently take 2 anti-depressants, 1 anti-anxiety med, migraine meds, Ambien for sleep, AND muscel relaxants from time to time. They just upped my anti-depressant by 20mg and doubled my anti-anxiety. Neadless to say, I have trouble remembering little things, like where I left my cell phone, or the name of the neighbor dog. Often times I will find my mind empty, I will be looking at the neighbor dog (I have had the same neighbor dogs for 4 years) I will know I know the dog's name, but I will come up with nothing, not even the beginning letter. This is especially problematic at work, where as a sales person in a small business, I am often juggling a number of things at a time. I am also a single mom. My daughter, now 7 will say to me, "Momma I didn't brush my teeth" or "Momma what about my hair." I try to remind myself that it is ok, that SHE is ok even if I forget to make her brush before bedtime, but I often feel a pang of guilt about it. Then there is the driving! Sometimes, I get to my destination and have trouble remembering the actual journey there. Or I loose my car in the parking lot. Interesting house, horses, signs along side the road...let's just say, I am grateful for rumble strips. I constantly feel like I am walking around in this weird hypnotic state.

And then there is talking. WOW, that can be tricky! It is like my brain, and my tongue are no long connected. I stutter. I stop mid-sentance. I forget what word I was going to use. I switch letters around so I am dalking the wog, intead of walking the dog. Sometimes mid sentance, I will trail off and just loose my thought all together. People that have to deal with me must think I am a total bird brain, while those close to me imediately reconise it. It is REALLY frustrating. Especially when I KNOW what I am trying to say, but can not seem to get the words out, or when I just trip over my own words over and over. I want to carry a sign around that says "I am NOT stupid, or drunk, but please speak slowly I AM heavily medicated. (trust me it's for the best for everyone)"

Does this happen to everyone? Is it a common problem for people with mental health issues? Good golly I hope I'm not alone in this!!!

No Use Crying Over Lost Sleep...or Is There?

Why it is OK to lay on your bedroom floor crying

Sleep & Moods

OK so I had planned for today's entry to be about daughters and how our images of ourselves affect them and how they see themselves. However, by about 11AM today I discovered (quite accidentally) that I seem to be an emotional wreck today, and I am not entirely sure why. I just feel this overwhelming desire to burst into tears at any moment. While I believe there is nothing wrong with the occasional good cry, crying at work for no reason is often frowned upon. Also, constant crying with no real cause often make people wonder/worry about your stability and basic ability to function. Something, I too, worry about my own ability to do. Right now I may be a touch on the hormonal side, but over all I think it is lack of sleep. No matter how much I try to convince my mind and body that it is REALLY very simple, you get tired, you close your eyes and sleep, it doesn't seem to be that simple for me. So I have been taking Ambien for about a year now. While I now have occasional episodes where I do or say things I have NOOO recollection of, I do sleep more...except when I run out. Which is what just happened, and of course I had not noticed the prescription had no refills left. So it has taken several days to get it from the doctor, to the pharmacy, to me. In the meantime, sleep is alluding me. I know people who get all slap happy when they are sleep deprived, people who get cranky. Not me. I get cranky AND depressed. Chuck will tell you the 2 things that negatively affect my mood the most is not eating and not sleeping. I become quite the crazy person. I try my best to eat when I need to (not always easy working in retail and raising a small child) and to sleep. I take naps regularly.

When I went through the darkest period of my depression and anxiety, sleep was a huge issue. The antidepressants messed up my sleep patterns and the added anxiety made it hard to settle my uneasy mind. I began having panic attacks. My father began to pick up on the fact that the days where the attacks were the worst, the days the rendered me helpless, where often after an especially bad night of sleep. It is a vicious cycle for me. High anxiety makes it hard to settle down and sleep, no sleep causes increase anxiety, less sleep, more anxiety, less sleep...That's why I did eventually turn to medication. Though that has its definite cons as well. Memory laps being one of the biggest, but also, I have a young child. Anyone with young children knows that things come up in the middle of the night, sickness, bad dreams, thunder storms. I wanted to be sure I was able to be there if she needed me, especially when I was a single mom. But by not getting enough sleep at night I was not able to be fully there for her during the day. I was moody, distracted, and in a fog often. Using the TV as a babysitter while I napped, or zoned out. So I chose to try the meds. So far I have been ok enough to respond, though details are often fuzzy in the morning. It often feels like coping with my depression and moods is a constant balancing act though. One I am not always good at.