Goldfish Memory

"They say goldfish have no memories. I guess there lives are much like mine, and the little plastic castle is a surprise everytime."-Ani Difranco

I was going to write a blog on the affects of depression, anxiety, and psyc meds on one's memory...but I forgot! No, no, no I am not joking. I was thinking this morning that I wanted to write about my recent increase of meds, and how that, mixed with my depression and anxiety have made it really hard to form full thoughts. When I got to my computer I opened up Blogger, I looked at my dashboard to check my stats, and then sat here blankly staring at the screen thinking "What was it I was thinking about writing about today?" UGGGGHHHH

Sadly, this is not totally uncommon for me. I think of myself as a fairly intelligent person, but when my depression peaks, it is like my mind jut turns mooshy. If you add to that an increase in medications, a change, or addition of medications, ohhhh it's not good. I currently take 2 anti-depressants, 1 anti-anxiety med, migraine meds, Ambien for sleep, AND muscel relaxants from time to time. They just upped my anti-depressant by 20mg and doubled my anti-anxiety. Neadless to say, I have trouble remembering little things, like where I left my cell phone, or the name of the neighbor dog. Often times I will find my mind empty, I will be looking at the neighbor dog (I have had the same neighbor dogs for 4 years) I will know I know the dog's name, but I will come up with nothing, not even the beginning letter. This is especially problematic at work, where as a sales person in a small business, I am often juggling a number of things at a time. I am also a single mom. My daughter, now 7 will say to me, "Momma I didn't brush my teeth" or "Momma what about my hair." I try to remind myself that it is ok, that SHE is ok even if I forget to make her brush before bedtime, but I often feel a pang of guilt about it. Then there is the driving! Sometimes, I get to my destination and have trouble remembering the actual journey there. Or I loose my car in the parking lot. Interesting house, horses, signs along side the road...let's just say, I am grateful for rumble strips. I constantly feel like I am walking around in this weird hypnotic state.

And then there is talking. WOW, that can be tricky! It is like my brain, and my tongue are no long connected. I stutter. I stop mid-sentance. I forget what word I was going to use. I switch letters around so I am dalking the wog, intead of walking the dog. Sometimes mid sentance, I will trail off and just loose my thought all together. People that have to deal with me must think I am a total bird brain, while those close to me imediately reconise it. It is REALLY frustrating. Especially when I KNOW what I am trying to say, but can not seem to get the words out, or when I just trip over my own words over and over. I want to carry a sign around that says "I am NOT stupid, or drunk, but please speak slowly I AM heavily medicated. (trust me it's for the best for everyone)"

Does this happen to everyone? Is it a common problem for people with mental health issues? Good golly I hope I'm not alone in this!!!

Me verses The Illness

I am NOT a drama queen. I have an anxiety disorder. A real, diagnosed, and medicated disorder that makes the mole hills feel like mountains.

I am NOT a ditz. I take medications that make me forget things. Plus, stress makes every one's mind a little spotty.

I am NOT incapable, or lazy. I am depressed. Again, a real, diagnosed, disorder that is being treated with medication and psychotherapy.

I do NOT choose to be this way. Clinical depression is caused by a chemical imbalance in one's brain. It is not something that can be controlled or stopped. It is an illness, just like any other illness.

I am NOT weak, or feeling sorry for myself. A genuine feeling of hopelessness, or helplessness, is also part of my disorder from time to time. I can not think my way out of it, and it makes it very hard to stay motivated when you feel like nothing you do matters.

I am NOT a victim. I have an illness. I wish I did not, but much like physical illness, it is not a condition I could have prevented. In fact, it is probably LESS preventable than some physical illnesses.

I am NOT crazy for cry for no apparent reason. I do not always know why I am feeling sad. It is one of the symptoms of depression. I may not understand why I am crying, and I may cry at random. Again, brain chemicals, or sometimes hormones causing my brain chemicals, to get out of wack.

I am NOT over reacting. I have real emotions, and real feelings. I am allowed to have these feelings. To me they are real, and valid, even if they are exaggerated by my disorders.

I am NOT a out of control. I often realize my feelings are disproportional to an event. People with anxiety and mood disorders have mood swings. Again, a very common symptom of these illnesses.

I am NOT attention seeking. I would actually rather have you not notice me when I am struggling. The last thing I want is to be pitied. It only makes me feel worse about myself at a time when I am already low.

Like many illnesses, my metal illness requires life style changes that sometimes make me feel as though it has taken over my entire life. During the darkest parts of my depression I find that I need to remind myself what is me, and what is illness. Because the symptoms often effect my mood and personality, it is hard to remember who I am innately verses what is a symptom of a nasty desease.