I am NOT a drama queen. I have an anxiety disorder. A real, diagnosed, and medicated disorder that makes the mole hills feel like mountains.
I am NOT a ditz. I take medications that make me forget things. Plus, stress makes every one's mind a little spotty.
I am NOT incapable, or lazy. I am depressed. Again, a real, diagnosed, disorder that is being treated with medication and psychotherapy.
I do NOT choose to be this way. Clinical depression is caused by a chemical imbalance in one's brain. It is not something that can be controlled or stopped. It is an illness, just like any other illness.
I am NOT weak, or feeling sorry for myself. A genuine feeling of hopelessness, or helplessness, is also part of my disorder from time to time. I can not think my way out of it, and it makes it very hard to stay motivated when you feel like nothing you do matters.
I am NOT a victim. I have an illness. I wish I did not, but much like physical illness, it is not a condition I could have prevented. In fact, it is probably LESS preventable than some physical illnesses.
I am NOT crazy for cry for no apparent reason. I do not always know why I am feeling sad. It is one of the symptoms of depression. I may not understand why I am crying, and I may cry at random. Again, brain chemicals, or sometimes hormones causing my brain chemicals, to get out of wack.
I am NOT over reacting. I have real emotions, and real feelings. I am allowed to have these feelings. To me they are real, and valid, even if they are exaggerated by my disorders.
I am NOT a out of control. I often realize my feelings are disproportional to an event. People with anxiety and mood disorders have mood swings. Again, a very common symptom of these illnesses.
I am NOT attention seeking. I would actually rather have you not notice me when I am struggling. The last thing I want is to be pitied. It only makes me feel worse about myself at a time when I am already low.
Like many illnesses, my metal illness requires life style changes that sometimes make me feel as though it has taken over my entire life. During the darkest parts of my depression I find that I need to remind myself what is me, and what is illness. Because the symptoms often effect my mood and personality, it is hard to remember who I am innately verses what is a symptom of a nasty desease.
I am very understanding and sympathetic to all of these things....
ReplyDelete"these things" you describe is how the outside word may view you and I am sure that is why you brought it up. However, I and many others who suffer too do not view you this way. WE understand that you are doing the best you can and that there are days when the best we can all do is lay there and meditate or yes...cry a lot. Sometimes the BEST we can do is admit we are cranky or feeling outa control or (as you said) foggy. So, us...the population that suffers from depression, anxiety or any other mental illness or mood disorder...we understand.
It is unfortunate the most of the rest of the world is ignorant to this suffering. They really DONT understand. However, you coming out right here and now and explaining it is only the beining. I feel like even if they don't understand if they try to listen to you...i give em credit.
Send you a hug today. Holding on a little longer because we both need it and remember you are NOT alone.