Perception

I have not been writing much lately, and I have been missing it. So tonight I am posting two entries, AND recommitting myself to writing this blog more often. Now, on to entry number two!

I have written before about how, as someone who suffers from clinical depression and an anxiety disorder, I don't process stress the same way other people might. But I think beyond that, people with mental illnesses, live in a different reality than those who do not have a disorder. Which is not to imply we are delusional, but in fact, much of everyone's reality is based in perception. Just as three people can experience the same event at the same time, but recall it in three different ways. They all experienced it based on their own perspective. Each perspective is formed by your unique personality, past experiences, fears, and believes. For people with depression or anxiety, the world is often a darker, scarier place. Therefore, we often perceive events in our lives with more negativity or scepticism than others might. Because of this I have been called a drama queen or a negative person. I am sorry to say, I can not help it and having my bleak outlook on life pointed out to me as a weakness, often just makes me feel worse. My reality is that some days there is no light at the end of the tunnel, because...Well, mostly because my brain chemicals are off, and even though the light is still there, my brain is only allowing me to see the dark tunnel at that point.

I was recently told a story about a teenage boy with bipolar disorder. He was going through what most would see as normal adolescent insecurities and issues. But in his minds eye, it was so much more. He committed suicide. His pain was real, regardless of what other people's reaction to the same experiences were. He was unable to see his experiences as normal, or temporary because the were clouded by his mental illness.

Through the help of my counselor, and my medications, I am learning two things. First, that even if I can not see the light at the end of the tunnel, it is still there. Sometime I can just hold on long enough and it reappears on its own.  Other times, I have to push myself a little, keep putting one foot in front of the other, until I see light again. The other lesson I have learned (just recently) is that challenging your perception can change your reality.  I believed very strongly that many people from the small town I grew up in thought of me as crazy, because at 19 I went through a very dark depression, and began having panic attacks. However, with in the last few years, through the power of the internet, I began reconnecting with several people I grew up with. As people began opening up, I found that many of them understood what I had gone through, or had been through similar things. Nearly 20 years after leaving that town, I am finding my perception was wrong, and I am getting closer to that dark part of my life.