Perception

I have not been writing much lately, and I have been missing it. So tonight I am posting two entries, AND recommitting myself to writing this blog more often. Now, on to entry number two!

I have written before about how, as someone who suffers from clinical depression and an anxiety disorder, I don't process stress the same way other people might. But I think beyond that, people with mental illnesses, live in a different reality than those who do not have a disorder. Which is not to imply we are delusional, but in fact, much of everyone's reality is based in perception. Just as three people can experience the same event at the same time, but recall it in three different ways. They all experienced it based on their own perspective. Each perspective is formed by your unique personality, past experiences, fears, and believes. For people with depression or anxiety, the world is often a darker, scarier place. Therefore, we often perceive events in our lives with more negativity or scepticism than others might. Because of this I have been called a drama queen or a negative person. I am sorry to say, I can not help it and having my bleak outlook on life pointed out to me as a weakness, often just makes me feel worse. My reality is that some days there is no light at the end of the tunnel, because...Well, mostly because my brain chemicals are off, and even though the light is still there, my brain is only allowing me to see the dark tunnel at that point.

I was recently told a story about a teenage boy with bipolar disorder. He was going through what most would see as normal adolescent insecurities and issues. But in his minds eye, it was so much more. He committed suicide. His pain was real, regardless of what other people's reaction to the same experiences were. He was unable to see his experiences as normal, or temporary because the were clouded by his mental illness.

Through the help of my counselor, and my medications, I am learning two things. First, that even if I can not see the light at the end of the tunnel, it is still there. Sometime I can just hold on long enough and it reappears on its own.  Other times, I have to push myself a little, keep putting one foot in front of the other, until I see light again. The other lesson I have learned (just recently) is that challenging your perception can change your reality.  I believed very strongly that many people from the small town I grew up in thought of me as crazy, because at 19 I went through a very dark depression, and began having panic attacks. However, with in the last few years, through the power of the internet, I began reconnecting with several people I grew up with. As people began opening up, I found that many of them understood what I had gone through, or had been through similar things. Nearly 20 years after leaving that town, I am finding my perception was wrong, and I am getting closer to that dark part of my life.

What Is Reality?

<p>Sometimes, just the fact that I have been diagnosed with a metal illness, makes me question things I don't think I would have otherwise questioned. For example, when I was younger I had a boyfriend who was mentally and emotionally abusive. There were times when he would do, or say something, that my gut told me was wrong. Like so many abusers, he would of course argue with me that I, myself, had caused this to happen. That I was only causing myself pain, not him. This happened over and over until I began to question my own instincts. I began to feel that, maybe I WAS to blame. Maybe, I was truly not looking at the world wrong. Maybe, I was seeing a totally different picture than what was truly happening. This was a gauge I was never really able to reset, especially once I began therapy and was prescribed medications, both things that only happened to people who had MAJOR issues according to my family.  Those events in combination with being told continuously as a child that I was over reacting, overly sensitive, or overly dramatic, I beginning of my seeing myself as "crazy".

<p>Several times since then I have experienced major depressions, been put on different medications, had panic attacks, been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, and acted out in various self destructive and self defeating ways. All of these things just convinced me more and more that I am, indeed, a "crazy" person.

What I am left with is the inability to judge my own actions and feelings. I am constantly second guessing myself. Assessing, and reassessing my thought, feeling, and reactions. Whenever my interpretation of an event differs from other people's I begin to question my own gasp on reality. Even though I have never been diagnosed with any condition that would involve delusions of any kind, or any loss of a concept of reality, I have such a fear of being seen as "crazy", incapable, or off balance.

Lately, this sensation is getting worse for me. Chuck and I have been fighting viciously over the last week. Both of us stepping beyond the limits of a mature disagreement. Several times my feelings have been hurt so deeply, and I have felt so unloved and unimportant that I have flown off in intolerable rage. Often as things escalate, Chuck will tell me I need help, I am hysterical, or that I need more medication. This, of course translates in my head as, "You are crazy! I am discrediting everything you have just said because clearly you are out of your mind." This instantly makes me intensify out of sheer determination to be heard and important. Of course since this often involves screaming my head off and hurling objects at walls, and yes even at Chuck, it is also entirely self defeating. Afterward, mixed with the shame, hurt, anger, and frustration I feel the need to rehash the whole argument in my head trying, in vain, to figure out how two people could possibly see the same situation in such an extremely different way. Clearly, one of us must be completely out of touch with reality in order to be so far apart on our interpretation of one event. I begin to question my own sanity, my own ability to look at reality.

In addition, I have this horrible pain in my side and after 3 or 4 weeks of doctors visits, tests, and a trip to the ER I still have no answers. I am beginning to fear that people will begin to think there is nothing wrong with me. That this is a cry for attention, prescription medication, not as bad as I claim, or just psychosomatic. Meanwhile, the pain is getting worse and the constantness mixed with narcotic pain meds is beginning to effect my mental state as well as my physical. Then I begin to question if this pain is real.

Does this happen to other people? Do you ever have someone contradict your intuition, or interpretation of an event to the point that you begin to question your sanity, or am I SO trained that I am overly sensitive that I am now overly sensitive to being overly sensitive? I no longer know what's real and what's in my head.