What is "normal"?

This week, at counseling we spent a lot of time on normal, and what is normal. Is it normal to get upset when people move my things? Is my definition of love normal? Is my relationship with my family normal? Is it normal to feel this angry with my ex husband? What is normal, exactly?

Dictionary.com defines normal as:
normal nor·mal
- adjective 1. of standard type; usual - noun 2. the standard or average - Related Forms un·nor·mal - adjective un·nor·mal·ly - adverb un·nor·mal·ness - noun nor·mal·ize - verb

[nawr-muhl]

Origin: 1520–30; < L normālis made according to a carpenter's square

A standard type, usual, average. When you are talking about behavior, or thought process, it is hard to define what is standard, usual, or average. Many of us know what normal behavior is for us as individuals. As in "I don't normally do that". But how do you define usual for others? So much of what we view as "normal" or "acceptable" is defined by your experiences and individual beliefs. For example, in my family, we have large family gatherings, many of which you are expected to attend unless you live on the other side of the country, or are on deaths door. My friends from smaller, or less close families do not understand the this dynamic, and do not see the urgency to attend these events. Does that mean either of us is abnormal, or wrong? No. We are simple from different backgrounds, with different life styles, different circumstances. Yet, it seems so easy for so many people to define abnormal, or crazy. Worse yet, we (or at least I) all too often, view ourselves (or myself) through the lens of someone else's "normal".  That person maybe a parent, a spouse, a friend, or just an image that we have created in our minds based on what we read, see on TV, in magazines, or online. Allowing yourself to be defined by other's ideas of what is the norm, can make "normal" seem unobtainable.

I have allowed myself to be defined by other people's definitions of abnormal and crazy for so long, that I fine myself constantly wondering what normal is. For as long as I can remember, I have been striving to be "normal" and accepted. Since the first panic attack, since the first therapy session, since the first med, since the first diagnosis of mental illness, I have seen myself as broken. So much so, that I seem to have lost track of what is just me being me, and what is a symptom of a larger problem. I have lost the line between quirk and illness. Constantly evaluating, often rather harshly, my own behaviors, and thoughts, to try to figure out if they are "normal" or if they are distorted. Trying to define, in my own mind, what "normal" is and desperately wanting to achieve it. The strangest, saddest part is, that reading the definition of normal from above, I have no desire to be average, usual, or standard. Perhaps I need to remind myself that the next time I find myself longing to be seen as "normal". I saw a Facebook status once that said "Normal is just a setting on a washer." Dictionary.com says it originated as from the word normalis, meaning made by a carpenter's square. Maybe we should have left it at that.

What's are your feelings on normal verses abnormal, illness verses quirks? I'd love some input.

What Is Reality?

<p>Sometimes, just the fact that I have been diagnosed with a metal illness, makes me question things I don't think I would have otherwise questioned. For example, when I was younger I had a boyfriend who was mentally and emotionally abusive. There were times when he would do, or say something, that my gut told me was wrong. Like so many abusers, he would of course argue with me that I, myself, had caused this to happen. That I was only causing myself pain, not him. This happened over and over until I began to question my own instincts. I began to feel that, maybe I WAS to blame. Maybe, I was truly not looking at the world wrong. Maybe, I was seeing a totally different picture than what was truly happening. This was a gauge I was never really able to reset, especially once I began therapy and was prescribed medications, both things that only happened to people who had MAJOR issues according to my family.  Those events in combination with being told continuously as a child that I was over reacting, overly sensitive, or overly dramatic, I beginning of my seeing myself as "crazy".

<p>Several times since then I have experienced major depressions, been put on different medications, had panic attacks, been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, and acted out in various self destructive and self defeating ways. All of these things just convinced me more and more that I am, indeed, a "crazy" person.

What I am left with is the inability to judge my own actions and feelings. I am constantly second guessing myself. Assessing, and reassessing my thought, feeling, and reactions. Whenever my interpretation of an event differs from other people's I begin to question my own gasp on reality. Even though I have never been diagnosed with any condition that would involve delusions of any kind, or any loss of a concept of reality, I have such a fear of being seen as "crazy", incapable, or off balance.

Lately, this sensation is getting worse for me. Chuck and I have been fighting viciously over the last week. Both of us stepping beyond the limits of a mature disagreement. Several times my feelings have been hurt so deeply, and I have felt so unloved and unimportant that I have flown off in intolerable rage. Often as things escalate, Chuck will tell me I need help, I am hysterical, or that I need more medication. This, of course translates in my head as, "You are crazy! I am discrediting everything you have just said because clearly you are out of your mind." This instantly makes me intensify out of sheer determination to be heard and important. Of course since this often involves screaming my head off and hurling objects at walls, and yes even at Chuck, it is also entirely self defeating. Afterward, mixed with the shame, hurt, anger, and frustration I feel the need to rehash the whole argument in my head trying, in vain, to figure out how two people could possibly see the same situation in such an extremely different way. Clearly, one of us must be completely out of touch with reality in order to be so far apart on our interpretation of one event. I begin to question my own sanity, my own ability to look at reality.

In addition, I have this horrible pain in my side and after 3 or 4 weeks of doctors visits, tests, and a trip to the ER I still have no answers. I am beginning to fear that people will begin to think there is nothing wrong with me. That this is a cry for attention, prescription medication, not as bad as I claim, or just psychosomatic. Meanwhile, the pain is getting worse and the constantness mixed with narcotic pain meds is beginning to effect my mental state as well as my physical. Then I begin to question if this pain is real.

Does this happen to other people? Do you ever have someone contradict your intuition, or interpretation of an event to the point that you begin to question your sanity, or am I SO trained that I am overly sensitive that I am now overly sensitive to being overly sensitive? I no longer know what's real and what's in my head.

What To Do With A Twitchy Elephant (twitchy as defined below)

Twitchy

AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! TODAY IS A BAD ANXIETY DAY!!!!!  I am literally having trouble sitting still. I went to the Psych doc this morning and she wrote me a script for antianxiety meds (clearly not yet filled) I am twitchy and edgy and about ready to cry at any given moment. I have not been able to concentrate on work for more than about 30 minutes at a time, which makes it hard to complete any given task. I am also beginning to not be able to speak in full and comprehensible sentences. this is a bad thing, a very bad thing for someone who works in the sales field. I am sure my anxiety level is elevated by a lack of sleep, a heightened anxiety level at my house, and some hormones. Today when I returned from taking my daughter to the bus, I found Chuck sitting in the living room while his daughter was in her room screaming "I miss my mommy! I miss my mommy!" My heart breaks for both of them, and Chuck is struggling to make sense of all that has happened in his own head. Making it twice as hard for it to make sense to me. So after only a week, of being a mom of two, I find my stomach in knots, my migraines returning, and my leg bouncing. The heart palpitations have not quite started yet, but I am familiar enough with the anatomy of my panic attacks to know they are not far off. However, taking the prescribed antianxiety medication will mean fatigue, slight loopiness, and the a warning against driving. Some how the constant twitching helps. It makes me feel a little better in some odd way, but it is almost contagious. The more it bounces the more I feel like I NEED to bounce it, and the quick, constant movement seems add to the anxiety.

http://thewvsr.com/index.php/i-live-in-fear-of-catastrophic-filter-failure/

Also the added stress and anxiety seem to have made my filter go all defunct...or maybe that's the lack of sleep. Either way it is not good, and I am pretty sure my co-worker is looking forward to being off tomorrow so as not to have to watch me twitch and listen to me spurt out random thoughts, noises, and humming to myself. It all just seem to slip right out before I am able to stop it. I guess technically I have a small amount of filter because I am not going AH, AH, AH, AH, AH, AH while my head and eye twitch. But hey there is always tomorrow right!?

I hate feeling this way. That crawling out of your own skin feeling. The "if only I could escape from myself". I really hope that the medication takes the edge off because I don't expect to have a whole lot of quiet meditation time this week, and I know I will begin to become a total basket case if I can not get my nerves under control. I begin to do crazy things in order to try to stop that butterfly in my stomach feeling. I can not afford to be crazy this week. I have picture day, dance class, open house at my daughter's school, and a school picnic to attend, on top of the normal everyday functioning. As Dar Williams says:
I don't know how everybody makes it through the daily drill
Paint the nails, walk a dog, pay every bill
Sometimes I feel so overwhelm that just the normal daily "life" stuff makes me feel like I'm going to loose my mind. That's sad isn't it? That is when I feel the craziest. That is when I feel incapable, like "what the hell is wrong with me? Everybody else seems to do it just fine. It's just life chicka suck it up!" At least now I know I will not feel this way forever. Now I know if I can find a way to hold on a little longer things will be better. When I first started to have panic attacks I truly felt like I was just not going to deal with it. Like I was just weak, stupid, lazy, defective some how. Now I know I am only going to feel this way for a time. That helps me keep going a day at a time. But being Momma is in this state is really tough. And now with an additional child who is needing extra attention I am concerned about how I will hold it together. Chuck seems to be in pretty bad shape also and I have doubts that I can hold all of us together. I don't know what to do. How do you take care of 3 other people and two dogs while having panic attacks or while being sedated by medications? It will be ok right? I mean we can do this right? I can do this right, and It won't feel like this forever? (breath in, breath out, breath in, breath out)

 

Don't Pretend My Elephant isn't Real

So I am wondering why no one seems to understand me. Am I not expressing myself well? Do most people not care? Do peopele expect me to be stronger than I am? Do I treat myself with so little self respect that it seems ok to talk down to me? Do people just not get how much anxiety and depression truly affect you? Whatever the reason, I feel like I am constantly trying to get people to understand what's going on with me. Yet they still seem to push, or disregard, or talk down to me for my "weakness" or "moodiness". When you tell someone close to you that you feel as though you are beginning to reach a limit on what you can handle before you reach self district they should take you seriously, right? Maybe I expect to much. Maybe I expect people to SEE I am falling apart and offer support instead of asking for support. It often feels to me like when I do ask for help (not from my counselor, but rather friends or family) that it is either not heard, or is more of a pat on the back and then it is forgotten. My father (who is also my boss) will say "go do some work therapy" meanwhile, I am proud of myself for even getting out of bed that day. My parents are the worst at understanding, and being supportive of my mental health problems. They don't believe in meds. They don't believe in counseling. They believe you suck it up and move on. It is hard to explain to people around you, even friends and relatives at times that you just can't. You can not just snap out of it. You can not explain why you are crying nor can you stop. No it is not "just life" (that's my mom's favorite) it is more than that for people who have issues with depression. And NO it is not acceptable to talk to me like I am incapable, or crazy. I understand the scope of things just fine. I am not weak or overly sensative. I have a real issueand I am really struggling. I will not just feel better tomorrow. And telling me those things only makes me feel worse, and if I say I am reaching my breaking point I mean it. Panick attacks, cutting, the overwhelming desire to hide away from some place so I can be left alone, I mean it! I am not looking for attention or being dramtic. I am very, very real!

Drugging the Elephant

antidepressant use climbs as primary care doctors do the prescribing

It was interesting that I found this article today. Chuck and I were just talking about this last night. I believe that the problem here is two ply. First, we are lazy Americans who want a magic pill to make everything better. That pill has side affects, that's okay there is a pill for that too. We do not want to take a good long look at ourselves or the direction we have gone as a society and make the hard decisions we should be making. Or healing the the wounds we should be healing. We want to skim the surface, of our emotions, and continue taking the pill or eating the food, or buying the products that make us feel good for the moment. It is ALL about instant gratification. Plus, we are egotistical as Americans. We believe we know better than the rest of the world, and that there is no need to look at the way other cultures maintain their health, mental or physical, so holistic and whole person approaches are ignored. We treat the illness or the symptoms, but not the whole person. We place NO emphasis on how the mind affects the body. Reflection, emotional awareness, and depression are all considered weakness (especially among men) in our society. Meditation, mindfulness, yoga... are all more excepted, but mostly considered "new age" and not give much thought as viable options for most people. Proper diet and exercise are not as focused on as being "skinny" is. No one seems to care that ALL of that affects our moods. Don't get me wrong I am FAR from being Tom Cruise on this issue. I have been on antidepressants since I was 19. There is a very real need for them as PART of treatment for metal illness, not as the only treatment.

I think the second reason is that there is still so much of a stigma about metal illness and depression. People don't want to admit they have a problem, to themselves or to others. It makes it incredibly hard to get help and maintain your mental health if you do not have a recovery plan and support team. It is much easier to tell work, family, friends that you are going to you PCP for a check up then to go to a Psychiatrist and separate therapist to be diagnosed and treated properly. That is why it is so, so very important that we continue to make strides on improving the basic understanding and education of metal illness today and depression. You CAN NOT just snap out of it, you are NOT crazy if you need help, and you CAN get treatment and feel better.

misery loves company

let me start this post by saying that i am posting tonight from my phone, so please excuse the spelling errors and such. i feel like a true crazy person today. i have been in such a funk and i have no idea why. i actually have a three day weekend, chuck and i had an excellent couples counseling session yesterday, i even took a nap today. but still i am just miserable. i can not pin point exactly why either. it is driving me crazy. i want to enjoy my life, my time with my friends and family this weekend. it is rare that i get a weekend off. i did get my meds refilled yesterday so i did get some sleep. i want so badly to just snap myself out of it. i find my boiling point to be really low on days like today. i do not feel i have been very loving to chuck or very pateint with my daughter or our ultra needy, must be on your lap at all times dog. i am going to try some self medicating with a drink or too and hope that tomorrow is a brighter day.