Anatomy of a Breakdown

I have been delicately balancing sanity verses insanity, busy verses overwhelmed, and emotional verses hysterical for several weeks now. Then I collapse on the bed, sobbing and gasping for air, then sobbing some more. I am scared and desperate to get myself under control. Finally, I become numb and am able to move again. The panic comes in waves now, and without warning. My mind is spinning and I am overwhelmed by it all. I try to reach out for help, but the worlds I have fail me, and new words can not be pulled from memory as my every thought becomes jumbled. I feel like the weight of the world is upon me, and I am crumbling beneath all the things that used to bring me happiness. I am angry. I am scared. I am frustrated. I begin to lash out. My temper becomes short and I am not able to tolerate noises, and my skin feels like it is crawling. "Why does no one see me? Why does no one help, offer me comfort, offer me safety?" I am angry with them all, and I am yelling more loudly now, then I am SCREAMING. It is as though I am sitting helplessly as I watch reason and ration escape me. And all at once, I am screaming as loud as I can and I am hitting someone I love. The rage fills me to a degree I can not explain. My words are full of hate and venom. I am full rage. "SHUT UP! I HATE YOU! YOU ONLY CARE ABOUT YOURSELF!...." The words escape my lips almost before my head comprehends them. In my head there are screams of frustration. Screams of pain, and the overwhelming need to feel loved and important. Yet, yet I can not stop the rage that is pushes people away. I go to the only coping mechanism I have left, and I turn my anger on myself. I begin to cut myself as a form of release. As the flames begin to die, the anger turns to shame, and pain, and fear. I begin to sob, and just like the rage, the sorrow overwhelms me quickly. In no time at all, I am hysterical. The following day, I feel the physical affects. My arms are cut and stinging, There are bruises I don't remember getting, and all of my muscles ache. My head pounds from the tension and strain of all the emotion. I replay scenes in my mind and fill with guilt over the things I have done and said. I wonder what is wrong with me? Why can I not control this? I feel weak and crazy. I am embarrassed, and I don't want anyone to know how out of control I am. This is not me. This is not who I am. I am better than this. I am stronger than this. Why can't I do this? Why can't I control this? I am terrified now. I desperate as I am to control these emotions, I am terrified of my own darkness. I have been done this path before and it made me feel pathetic and sad. People took pity on me, or saw me as someone who needed to be handled with kid gloves or someone who needed to be fixed. I am NONE OF THOSE THINGS and I refuse, I REFUSE to allow myself to be seen that way. Now, what I ask myself. I know I can need help. I know I will continue to spin out of control until something interrupt my momentum, but asking for help will let other people know I am weak. So I continue to walk that line of sane verses insane, busy verses overwhelmed, and emotional verses hysterical, knowing that any little shift will throw me off balance once again.

What To Do With A Twitchy Elephant (twitchy as defined below)

Twitchy

AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! TODAY IS A BAD ANXIETY DAY!!!!!  I am literally having trouble sitting still. I went to the Psych doc this morning and she wrote me a script for antianxiety meds (clearly not yet filled) I am twitchy and edgy and about ready to cry at any given moment. I have not been able to concentrate on work for more than about 30 minutes at a time, which makes it hard to complete any given task. I am also beginning to not be able to speak in full and comprehensible sentences. this is a bad thing, a very bad thing for someone who works in the sales field. I am sure my anxiety level is elevated by a lack of sleep, a heightened anxiety level at my house, and some hormones. Today when I returned from taking my daughter to the bus, I found Chuck sitting in the living room while his daughter was in her room screaming "I miss my mommy! I miss my mommy!" My heart breaks for both of them, and Chuck is struggling to make sense of all that has happened in his own head. Making it twice as hard for it to make sense to me. So after only a week, of being a mom of two, I find my stomach in knots, my migraines returning, and my leg bouncing. The heart palpitations have not quite started yet, but I am familiar enough with the anatomy of my panic attacks to know they are not far off. However, taking the prescribed antianxiety medication will mean fatigue, slight loopiness, and the a warning against driving. Some how the constant twitching helps. It makes me feel a little better in some odd way, but it is almost contagious. The more it bounces the more I feel like I NEED to bounce it, and the quick, constant movement seems add to the anxiety.

http://thewvsr.com/index.php/i-live-in-fear-of-catastrophic-filter-failure/

Also the added stress and anxiety seem to have made my filter go all defunct...or maybe that's the lack of sleep. Either way it is not good, and I am pretty sure my co-worker is looking forward to being off tomorrow so as not to have to watch me twitch and listen to me spurt out random thoughts, noises, and humming to myself. It all just seem to slip right out before I am able to stop it. I guess technically I have a small amount of filter because I am not going AH, AH, AH, AH, AH, AH while my head and eye twitch. But hey there is always tomorrow right!?

I hate feeling this way. That crawling out of your own skin feeling. The "if only I could escape from myself". I really hope that the medication takes the edge off because I don't expect to have a whole lot of quiet meditation time this week, and I know I will begin to become a total basket case if I can not get my nerves under control. I begin to do crazy things in order to try to stop that butterfly in my stomach feeling. I can not afford to be crazy this week. I have picture day, dance class, open house at my daughter's school, and a school picnic to attend, on top of the normal everyday functioning. As Dar Williams says:
I don't know how everybody makes it through the daily drill
Paint the nails, walk a dog, pay every bill
Sometimes I feel so overwhelm that just the normal daily "life" stuff makes me feel like I'm going to loose my mind. That's sad isn't it? That is when I feel the craziest. That is when I feel incapable, like "what the hell is wrong with me? Everybody else seems to do it just fine. It's just life chicka suck it up!" At least now I know I will not feel this way forever. Now I know if I can find a way to hold on a little longer things will be better. When I first started to have panic attacks I truly felt like I was just not going to deal with it. Like I was just weak, stupid, lazy, defective some how. Now I know I am only going to feel this way for a time. That helps me keep going a day at a time. But being Momma is in this state is really tough. And now with an additional child who is needing extra attention I am concerned about how I will hold it together. Chuck seems to be in pretty bad shape also and I have doubts that I can hold all of us together. I don't know what to do. How do you take care of 3 other people and two dogs while having panic attacks or while being sedated by medications? It will be ok right? I mean we can do this right? I can do this right, and It won't feel like this forever? (breath in, breath out, breath in, breath out)