Anatomy of a Breakdown

I have been delicately balancing sanity verses insanity, busy verses overwhelmed, and emotional verses hysterical for several weeks now. Then I collapse on the bed, sobbing and gasping for air, then sobbing some more. I am scared and desperate to get myself under control. Finally, I become numb and am able to move again. The panic comes in waves now, and without warning. My mind is spinning and I am overwhelmed by it all. I try to reach out for help, but the worlds I have fail me, and new words can not be pulled from memory as my every thought becomes jumbled. I feel like the weight of the world is upon me, and I am crumbling beneath all the things that used to bring me happiness. I am angry. I am scared. I am frustrated. I begin to lash out. My temper becomes short and I am not able to tolerate noises, and my skin feels like it is crawling. "Why does no one see me? Why does no one help, offer me comfort, offer me safety?" I am angry with them all, and I am yelling more loudly now, then I am SCREAMING. It is as though I am sitting helplessly as I watch reason and ration escape me. And all at once, I am screaming as loud as I can and I am hitting someone I love. The rage fills me to a degree I can not explain. My words are full of hate and venom. I am full rage. "SHUT UP! I HATE YOU! YOU ONLY CARE ABOUT YOURSELF!...." The words escape my lips almost before my head comprehends them. In my head there are screams of frustration. Screams of pain, and the overwhelming need to feel loved and important. Yet, yet I can not stop the rage that is pushes people away. I go to the only coping mechanism I have left, and I turn my anger on myself. I begin to cut myself as a form of release. As the flames begin to die, the anger turns to shame, and pain, and fear. I begin to sob, and just like the rage, the sorrow overwhelms me quickly. In no time at all, I am hysterical. The following day, I feel the physical affects. My arms are cut and stinging, There are bruises I don't remember getting, and all of my muscles ache. My head pounds from the tension and strain of all the emotion. I replay scenes in my mind and fill with guilt over the things I have done and said. I wonder what is wrong with me? Why can I not control this? I feel weak and crazy. I am embarrassed, and I don't want anyone to know how out of control I am. This is not me. This is not who I am. I am better than this. I am stronger than this. Why can't I do this? Why can't I control this? I am terrified now. I desperate as I am to control these emotions, I am terrified of my own darkness. I have been done this path before and it made me feel pathetic and sad. People took pity on me, or saw me as someone who needed to be handled with kid gloves or someone who needed to be fixed. I am NONE OF THOSE THINGS and I refuse, I REFUSE to allow myself to be seen that way. Now, what I ask myself. I know I can need help. I know I will continue to spin out of control until something interrupt my momentum, but asking for help will let other people know I am weak. So I continue to walk that line of sane verses insane, busy verses overwhelmed, and emotional verses hysterical, knowing that any little shift will throw me off balance once again.

Mishmash of Sad

It has been said that God never gives you more than what you can handle. I wish He had less faith in me. I look around, and I know I have many blessings. Things that other don't have, a beautiful healthy child, a safe warm home, plenty of food, clean water, medical care, an education, and those are just the basics. I see all those things, and I am grateful. Yet I am not happy. I still feel not good enough, not loved, not cared about. I still carry this deep sadness, and I can't seem to lift it.

I am working on my connection to God and my spirituality. I am reciting meditation prayers daily. Sometimes several times a day, if I find enough quiet. Maybe I will have a spirital awakening and my whole life will change. I don't know, that would be great.

But failing that, I am pretty much a wreck recently, and I can't help but wonder, what I could have possibly done to deserve to feel THIS bad. I hate to say it, but it feels a little unfair to me.

I realize life is unfair some times. That's just the way it goes, but every time I feel like things are starting to look up I get hit with another wave of stress, depression, or just plain bad luck. I am not sure how much more I can take before I go under. I try so hard. I take my meds, I go to work, I take care of my daughter, I blog, I go to therapy, I am even taking vitamins, and yet, I continue to get beat down by life. It seems to happen over and over, and each time it gets harder to get back up. I suppose, eventually, I won't even care, and I'll just stop picking myself up. But thankfully I am not there yet.

I am horrified of being labled as miserable person, a bad person, a crazy person, or a weak person. So every day I force myself out of bed and I put on my "pretend its all ok" face. Apparently, it is pretty convincing because no one around me (ok, not true, most people) don't seem to have a clue that, on the inside, I am completely falling apart. That I come home and cry (or hide in the bathroom or my car.) They don't seem to notice that I am fighting back tears, that my hands shake, or that I am taking more anxiety medication. Why do I care? Why do I let other people's oppinions impact me so much? Who are they? Well, often times, they are people who I believed loved (love) me. The fact that they don't notice my struggle sometimes hurts me more.

I sometimes wonder what would happen if I just gave up. What if I stopped going to work, just didn't show up. What if I stopped being people's friend. Stopped helping others, supporting them. What if I just disappeared for a week, or a weekend? Sent my daughter with her dad, and decided the hell with everyone else, I am going to draw, read, meditate, and not worry about a damn thing for awhile. What would happen then? How would my life change? What keeps me from doing that, taking care of me?

All Four Seasons

How will I know?
How can I tell?
Which side of the bed she takes when the day begins
She can be kind
She can be cruel
She's got me guessing like a game show fool

If it's a sunny day I take my umbrella Just in case the raindrops start to fall You could say that I'm just a cautious fellow
I don't want to be caught in a sudden squall
That's my baby
She can be all four seasons in one day
That's my baby
She can be all four seasons in one day

My ex husband used to swear that All Four Seasons by Sting was written about me. If it wasn't, well I can at least relate, and so could he. I am the "artsy" type, a Gemini, a woman, with a mood and anxiety disorder. Yeah, it in short I am moody, and my whole life functions around those moods. I am very emotion based. I don't see it as a bad thing, but it also has not always proven to be an asset either. Let me clarify here by saying that, while it does occasionally make me seem a little flighty, I am not unintelligent. I am just more inclined, than some, to give someone the benefit of the doubt, or consider what they might have been feeling before making my final judgement. I have always been this way.

At any rate, I, and others, have several thought on why I am this way. There is the idea that some people just come hardwired this way. The idea that I am a Gemini, and there for my disposition was written in the stars. I could have a hormone imbalance. It could be part of my depression and anxiety disorders. Maybe it is all of the above. I may never know. Here's what I do know. It is exhausting! Especially during times of high stress, I often feel like I am an emotional pin ball. Getting bounced around, lights and noises, smacked and zapped until I finally fall through a hole at the bottom of the day. I don't know what to do about it any more. I had a boyfriend who used to fight with me. He believed you had to be "in control of your emotions". Believe me when I tell you that I wish I were! Do you have any idea what it feels like to go through a whole rang of emotion in a few hours time? Each new emotion brings on a new view of the world. Sometimes, I even feel the swing coming, but I can't stop it, and I am not saying this as an excuse for my bad behavior or lack of self control. People who know me well have watched me ride the waves of emotion, lash out in rages, begin to cry for no reason, get so nervous and anxious that I have a hard time letting my own daughter touch me, then be fine a few hours later. It often makes me feel out of control and crazy.  It makes it difficult to make decisions. Especially, big decisions. I become very confused, and overwhelmed, very quickly, and my head begins to spin. It mixes together logic and emotion until I loose track of which is which. It's dizzying. I will literally make a decision, and hours later FEEL differently, and begin to second guess myself. I wish that I was more able to detach from the emotion of my life and the emotion of those around me. All of the back and forth, up and down it wears on me, increases my anxiety, makes me lack self confidence.

Does anyone else have this problem? Is this something common with depression and anxiety? What techniques work to help you disconnect and begin to de-emotionalize an experience or decision? Can you detach some, or is it just a part of who you are and you have to learn a work around? How do you keep you constant mood changes from wearing you out?

I Don't Know

One of the things I find the most frustrating about my depression is constantly have to answer the questions "What's wrong with you?" "Why are you so upset?" "Are you ok?" "Why are you crying?" Let me see. What IS wrong with me? Why AM I so upset? There is a lot of stress in my life right now, but the plain and simple truth is that I DON'T KNOW what is wrong with me. I DON'T KNOW why I am so upset. I am ok, but I am not good, but I do know there is no amount of advice you can give me to change that. Yes, I understand it sounds strange, but no I DO NOT know why I am crying. It reminds me of when my cousin was little and would get in trouble. When my aunt would be upset he would ask "Mommy happy?" "She would reply, "Nooooo mommy is sad." And he would say, "No mommy happy. Mommy happy" as though if he believed hard enough he could will her to being happy again. Even Chuck, who understands what depression the illness and not the mood is about, after seeing me down for so long, begins to say things like "Why aren't you happy, Honey?" Or "What's wrong baby? Cheer up. I love you. Doesn't that make you happy?" Well, of course I feel happy to be loved, but that doesn't mean I feel happy at that moment. I know he means well, and I know my friends are concerned about me. BELIEVE me if I knew why I was so sad, or what would make me happy I would be all over it. Just like my cousin with my upset aunt, no amount of someone else wishing happiness upon me will help me either. I am depressed clinically depressed. I mean I guess technically I DO know what's wrong with me. What's wrong is the chemicals in my brain are different than those of a "normal" person's brain; therefore, I have to take a medication to alter the chemicals in my brain in order to feel better. Because of this deficiency I am not able process stress and anxiety the way other people do. That does not make it easier to live with, nor does it make it easier for other people to watch me go through. But it is a road I have traveled before, and a road I am sure I will travel again. It is a road with a lot of peaks and valleys, and THAT is all I know.

To Ben and Jerry's or NOT to Ben and Jerry's

Let's just put it out there, right out in the open. I am having a bit of trouble dealing with my current stress level, and in an attempt to lessen the spinning in my brain I find myself doing things I would have otherwise had more self control over. Like for example, I don't drink much maybe a few drinks every two weeks or so. Though recently I have noticed that when I do drink, it is a few more drinks than usual. A few weekends ago not only did I have a few more drinks than usual, but I also had my first cigarette in like 10 years. Just one, and it took me like 4 days to erase the taste from my mouth, but I had refused to allow myself even one for years out of fear that would start me down a slippery slope. Thankfully it did not, and of course my no, or limited coffee intake....RIGHT out the window! I am averaging 3 or more cups a day. Clearly not helpful in the shaking, panic attack anxiety arena, but I am so exhausted I truly need something to keep from passing out at my desk. The big thing that I am struggling with, the thing that I KNOW is the biggest issue for me personally, is... stress eating!

Body image and eating in general. I seem to be on a continuous pendulum of guilt. I feel fat, unattractive, run down. I start to get down and I stop eating. After a bit of that the low blood sugar, all the caffeine, and stress in general start to kick in and I begin to get light headed, shaky, and I begin to feel like I am STARVING. After going 12 hour stretches with no, or limited food, even the convenience store seems like a festival of edible delights! Candy, cookies, sandwiches, chips, I briefly eye some fresh strawberries, but decide that I have gotten enough food (none with ANY nutritional value) and move on, but not without also getting more coffee. Then I eat EVERYTHING. All the food I bought myself, the cookie I bought Chuck, AND the cookie I bought my new "step" daughter. (She didn't eat well and was told by her daddy that she did not get a cookie. So I ate it for her.) I think at the time that I am eating ENTIRELY too much, but I justify it. In my head I tell myself, well you have been really stressed out lately. Plus, you may have PMS. It's ok. But later, I feel awful about all of it.  I have to get ready for an event with my daughter's school and I find myself hating my hair, my body, my skin, my make-up...pretty much the whole picture. Again I tell myself that I am being hyper sensative, hyper critical of myself because my depression and anxiety levels are on the rise. And so I swing, holding on to the guilt pendulum as for dear life. Stuck between candy bars and my "fat pants". I decide to make today's blog about stress and the other excuses we use to allow ourselves to treat our bodies poorly.

So I Google stress eating and what I get is a pile of images of people looking forlorn about their situation, most of them skinnier than I am, several diet books and about a hundred images of really fatty, rich, greasy food, and I think YIKES, no wonder I feel all mixed up and guilty. So what's a girl to do? Clearly, the good affects of eating the ice cream and chips is short term, not to mention not helping me to stablize my mood by keeping my blood suger and guilt levels bouncing all over the map. But when I am in the middle of dealing with a work crisis, or dealing with a screaming 4 year old who does not stand why she is suddenly living in a whole new area and house with new (or in her case some) rules to follow, that cady bar seems like something abtainable, while 10 minutes of quiet menditation seems completely out of reach. And exercise, which was helping both Chuck and me stay on top of our depression and anxiety, seems like such a luxury at this point. I am hopeful that we will all settle in and that we can begin to funtion in a healthier way once that happens, but what do we do until that? How do I get myself off this horrible ride that I know is not doing much good for my mental OR physical health. Or do I just ride it and deal with the fatness when I am able to? Chuck keeps joking that I did just have a 4 year old, and that should take it easy on myself. Probably I should take it easier on myself, but I just don't know how to get myself to do that right now.



Too Much Coffee????

Perhaps it is the 12 cups of coffee I drank today, the looming visit from Child Services, the total lack of money, work stress, raising a child, or hormones, whatever the cause I seem to be increasingly on edge lately. I have been trying to meditate, draw, blog, breath, anything that might help me keep it together. Yet today, when the tension rod thingy (yes that IS the technical term) from the toilet paper holder popped out shooting across the room and making a loud pop when I reached for it earlier, I jumped and shrieked loudly enough that my co-worker heard me at the front of the store. Oh yeah, did I mention this was at work? I go back to the Psych Doc in about a week. Last time I was there we changed my antidepressant from Cymbalta to Paxil in an attempt to help with anxiety. I really don't like meds like Xanex, but I am beginning to feel that if I do not do something my head might explode! Are there coping strategies I am missing, or do I break down and use meds temporarily just for my own metal stability? Chuck is a meds person. He has no fear of taking anxiety or depression meds, but I am more hesitant. In my early 20's I had a REALLY bad doctor who had me one a REALLY large amount of drugs and I did not do well with it. No I try to do everything I can to avoid taking anything beyond the minimal amount of medication I can. The problem with this is, that as anyone who has experienced anxiety or depression knows, when you are in the midst of it you don't always see yourself as clearly as you otherwise might. That means that occasionally I do not ask for help until I am literally loosing sleep, weight, and my already questionable sanity. So when do you say when? I know I am being short with my family. I know I am crying and awful lot, and I know I am incredibly jumpy, but I am scared that more drugs= more side affects + more money. How do you know what is best? How do you balance the side affects with the symptoms if it is something that is not black and white, not life altering? I do not want to feel like this all the time, but I do not want to feel "drugged" either. I have been drugged to the point where I felt like the drugs made me feel less sane rather than more sane. It is a scary feeling. I have a much better doc now, but what if the idea of anti-anxiety meds makes you anxious? How do you handle that?