I Am Not Adrift, I Am Floating

I have been thrown around like a small boat a drift on the ocean lately. It is hard to live a stable life without a stable foundation. It seems, just as I fight my way up to the surface, and take a deep breath of fresh air, then the next wave crashes down and pushes me under again. At first it was very overwhelming. I was frantically trying to regain control, gasping for each breath. Trying to break the force of the wave, at least slightly, before it hit. But after awhile, I became tired, defeated by the endlessness of the waving ocean. Feeling like it was pointless to fight, pointless to try. Like the ocean was just to vast for me make it to shore. My emotions, depression and anxiety were at a peak, heightened even more by a falling out with a close friend, and then an incredibly emotional encounter with my mother. As I made my way into deeper waters, and the waves were more like wakes, I began to look around search for a direction. My tendency, at times like this, is to grasp at straws trying to find any, and every, way out of the situation. I go into panic mode and try whatever might make me feel less nervous, less afraid, less depressed. This time, though, I am not sure why (maybe because it has never worked before) I didn't do that. I began to look inside myself for the answer. I meditate on words of strength and faith. I have begun to float, calmly, just allowing myself to rise and fall with the waves. It was horrifying. I tend to be a person likes to have a direction, a destination, even if I fall short of reaching it. "Patience" a close friend preached to me. "Patience" he says, over and over, and amazingly I listen. The water seems to level out, and my world seems filled with signs to trust in God, trust in the universe, trust in myself. I am struggling to make peace with that trust. I struggle to not try and grab the ores and row my little boat in any direction just to feel movement. Amazing, suddenly, I realize I am not adrift, but in actually, I am able to row in any direction I choose. I am no longer held captive by the whim of the weather, or a chartered course. I can just float, until I figure out where I want to go, and that will be alright. Patience, and I just might be surprised at the direction that my little boat heads in, but whatever path I choose I will have faith that it is the path I was meant to be on.

Modest Mouse-Float (My new theme song.)

All Four Seasons

How will I know?
How can I tell?
Which side of the bed she takes when the day begins
She can be kind
She can be cruel
She's got me guessing like a game show fool

If it's a sunny day I take my umbrella Just in case the raindrops start to fall You could say that I'm just a cautious fellow
I don't want to be caught in a sudden squall
That's my baby
She can be all four seasons in one day
That's my baby
She can be all four seasons in one day

My ex husband used to swear that All Four Seasons by Sting was written about me. If it wasn't, well I can at least relate, and so could he. I am the "artsy" type, a Gemini, a woman, with a mood and anxiety disorder. Yeah, it in short I am moody, and my whole life functions around those moods. I am very emotion based. I don't see it as a bad thing, but it also has not always proven to be an asset either. Let me clarify here by saying that, while it does occasionally make me seem a little flighty, I am not unintelligent. I am just more inclined, than some, to give someone the benefit of the doubt, or consider what they might have been feeling before making my final judgement. I have always been this way.

At any rate, I, and others, have several thought on why I am this way. There is the idea that some people just come hardwired this way. The idea that I am a Gemini, and there for my disposition was written in the stars. I could have a hormone imbalance. It could be part of my depression and anxiety disorders. Maybe it is all of the above. I may never know. Here's what I do know. It is exhausting! Especially during times of high stress, I often feel like I am an emotional pin ball. Getting bounced around, lights and noises, smacked and zapped until I finally fall through a hole at the bottom of the day. I don't know what to do about it any more. I had a boyfriend who used to fight with me. He believed you had to be "in control of your emotions". Believe me when I tell you that I wish I were! Do you have any idea what it feels like to go through a whole rang of emotion in a few hours time? Each new emotion brings on a new view of the world. Sometimes, I even feel the swing coming, but I can't stop it, and I am not saying this as an excuse for my bad behavior or lack of self control. People who know me well have watched me ride the waves of emotion, lash out in rages, begin to cry for no reason, get so nervous and anxious that I have a hard time letting my own daughter touch me, then be fine a few hours later. It often makes me feel out of control and crazy.  It makes it difficult to make decisions. Especially, big decisions. I become very confused, and overwhelmed, very quickly, and my head begins to spin. It mixes together logic and emotion until I loose track of which is which. It's dizzying. I will literally make a decision, and hours later FEEL differently, and begin to second guess myself. I wish that I was more able to detach from the emotion of my life and the emotion of those around me. All of the back and forth, up and down it wears on me, increases my anxiety, makes me lack self confidence.

Does anyone else have this problem? Is this something common with depression and anxiety? What techniques work to help you disconnect and begin to de-emotionalize an experience or decision? Can you detach some, or is it just a part of who you are and you have to learn a work around? How do you keep you constant mood changes from wearing you out?