I Am Not Adrift, I Am Floating

I have been thrown around like a small boat a drift on the ocean lately. It is hard to live a stable life without a stable foundation. It seems, just as I fight my way up to the surface, and take a deep breath of fresh air, then the next wave crashes down and pushes me under again. At first it was very overwhelming. I was frantically trying to regain control, gasping for each breath. Trying to break the force of the wave, at least slightly, before it hit. But after awhile, I became tired, defeated by the endlessness of the waving ocean. Feeling like it was pointless to fight, pointless to try. Like the ocean was just to vast for me make it to shore. My emotions, depression and anxiety were at a peak, heightened even more by a falling out with a close friend, and then an incredibly emotional encounter with my mother. As I made my way into deeper waters, and the waves were more like wakes, I began to look around search for a direction. My tendency, at times like this, is to grasp at straws trying to find any, and every, way out of the situation. I go into panic mode and try whatever might make me feel less nervous, less afraid, less depressed. This time, though, I am not sure why (maybe because it has never worked before) I didn't do that. I began to look inside myself for the answer. I meditate on words of strength and faith. I have begun to float, calmly, just allowing myself to rise and fall with the waves. It was horrifying. I tend to be a person likes to have a direction, a destination, even if I fall short of reaching it. "Patience" a close friend preached to me. "Patience" he says, over and over, and amazingly I listen. The water seems to level out, and my world seems filled with signs to trust in God, trust in the universe, trust in myself. I am struggling to make peace with that trust. I struggle to not try and grab the ores and row my little boat in any direction just to feel movement. Amazing, suddenly, I realize I am not adrift, but in actually, I am able to row in any direction I choose. I am no longer held captive by the whim of the weather, or a chartered course. I can just float, until I figure out where I want to go, and that will be alright. Patience, and I just might be surprised at the direction that my little boat heads in, but whatever path I choose I will have faith that it is the path I was meant to be on.

Modest Mouse-Float (My new theme song.)

Am I Angry...or am I Growing?

Once you become a grown up, you kinda get that life isn't always fair...or at least you should. Also, as an adult you can of except that, right? I mean most days I am ok with it. My life is not perfect, but I have a lot to be thankful for too. Lately, though...not so much. I have been having a rough week...errr month...ummm...let's say year, and frankly I am start to reach my limit. I am really, really angry, and frankly I know there is not a damn thing I can do about it, but vent. In the last year Chuck and I have both lost jobs, we have both had loved ones die, I have been hospitalized and had to have surgery. We have had battles with each other, exes, with my family, and several emergencies/ major dramas involving his daughter. WTH? What have I done to deserve all of this? I am a good person. I try to be goood to others. I work hard. I would move mountains for my family, and espcially my child. I am honest, and kind, socially minded, compassionate. Yet it just continues to build. I believe strongly that everything happens for a reason, and that the greatest amount of growth comes out of the biggest challenges, but yow! How much did I need to learn/ grow? I once heard a person on the radio talking about his belief in God. He explained that we all assume God put us here to find happiness and fulfillment, but what if that's not true? What if God put us here to learn from each other, to grow as individuals, and as a species? And when do we grow the most? Is it when you are happy and fulfilled? No. It is often when you are facing adversity. I often remember that when I am feeling especially angry, tired, overwhelmed, or hopeless. It helps me to look at the bigger picture instead of that moment of pain. Lately, I think I have been forgetting that. The moment of pain is becoming one day of crisis after another and it is hard to see beyond that. Then it becomes easy to begin to loose hope, easy to start to point fingers at those around me, and even easier to beat myself up. Angry is a legitimate feeling. Something we all experience, but it is also something that can distroy you slowly, if you allow it too. I am bigger than that! I am better than that! I am alright with the fact that I get angry. It can help motivate change, but I can not let it consume who I am. I will focus on finding real,proactive ways to deal with it. I am going to choose to believe that this" string of bad luck" shall we say, is just a path to something bigger than I am able to see right now. I will continue to have faith in what is meant to be.