Heartbreak

I am angry, and I know I should be, hell I have every right to be. But sometimes when its quiet, and late at night, I remember what brought me there in the first place, and I cry. I cry for what was. I cry for what might have been. I cry for what will never be. It makes it harder, but out allows my heart not to harden, so maybe some day i will be brave enough to share it again.

I Am

HURT

      Broken

                                                                                                   empty

                                               sad
               

              lost

USED

`````````````````unappreciated

UNLOVED

unattractive


unhappy
                                                   BROKEN HEARTED
ANGRY
ashamed

         HYSTERICAL

overwhelmed

                           STUPID

lonely
             

ripped apart

crazy

raw

weak
Forgotten

losingthestars

“She cried a little, but only inside, because long ago she had decided she didn’t like crying because if you ever started to cry it seemed as if there was so much to cry about you almost couldn’t stop, and she didn’t like that at all.” 

  Lost in My Mind>

36 years of pain

Wed is my birthday. I will be 36 years old and I will have spent the majority of those 36 years trying to make people like me, love me, or at least respect me. Hell in some cases I'd settle for just seeing me, me as I really am, without changes, or conditions. Lately, it has all come to a head. I got married to someone my family disapproves of. This new act of disloyalty, as it has been seen, has brought on a fresh bout of rejection, and pain. See, I have know for some time that my parents and sister love me out of family duty, but, for the most part don't like me, or see me as very capable, or strong. While I am sure I have played that roll at times, I am not the girl they think I am. All of my life, I have tried in vain, to find that unconditionalness I want so badly. Romanticly, always choosing the guy that keeps me at arms length. I have battled depression and anxiety for a long time because of this constant feeling of rejection. Lately, it feels as though it is breaking me though, like I am turning into that unstable, easily wounded little girl that my family has always seen me as. I lash out in rage at anyone who reminds me how "unimportant" I am. How unworthy of love, respect, and acceptance I am. Friends, my new husband, even my daughter and step daughter are feeling the after shocks. Afterward, I am ashamed. I hate the way I act, the way I drive people away when I need them the most. I hate myself for giving in, for losing control of my actions and emotions. I hear the voices from the past echo in my head
"you are over reacting"
"you are too sensitive"
"What is wrong with you?"
"it was a joke, knock it off"
"I never know how you are going to interpret what I say to you."
All of it implying I am the problem. I am the one to blame. I have begun to believe it now. I have begun to believe I am out of control, emotionally disturbed, unstable, and at fault. It has eaten away at me for 36 years, and now I am unstable, and I do hate myself. I blame myself, and I am convinced I am not deserving, or able to get the type of love and compassion I crave. I am in an endless cycle of hating myself for becoming the person they told me I should not be....I am weak. I scream and cry like a child throwing a temper tantrum, but in the end, no one comes to comfort me, and I feel less and less important or ok with each tear, and I have begun to fall apart.

Anatomy of a Breakdown

I have been delicately balancing sanity verses insanity, busy verses overwhelmed, and emotional verses hysterical for several weeks now. Then I collapse on the bed, sobbing and gasping for air, then sobbing some more. I am scared and desperate to get myself under control. Finally, I become numb and am able to move again. The panic comes in waves now, and without warning. My mind is spinning and I am overwhelmed by it all. I try to reach out for help, but the worlds I have fail me, and new words can not be pulled from memory as my every thought becomes jumbled. I feel like the weight of the world is upon me, and I am crumbling beneath all the things that used to bring me happiness. I am angry. I am scared. I am frustrated. I begin to lash out. My temper becomes short and I am not able to tolerate noises, and my skin feels like it is crawling. "Why does no one see me? Why does no one help, offer me comfort, offer me safety?" I am angry with them all, and I am yelling more loudly now, then I am SCREAMING. It is as though I am sitting helplessly as I watch reason and ration escape me. And all at once, I am screaming as loud as I can and I am hitting someone I love. The rage fills me to a degree I can not explain. My words are full of hate and venom. I am full rage. "SHUT UP! I HATE YOU! YOU ONLY CARE ABOUT YOURSELF!...." The words escape my lips almost before my head comprehends them. In my head there are screams of frustration. Screams of pain, and the overwhelming need to feel loved and important. Yet, yet I can not stop the rage that is pushes people away. I go to the only coping mechanism I have left, and I turn my anger on myself. I begin to cut myself as a form of release. As the flames begin to die, the anger turns to shame, and pain, and fear. I begin to sob, and just like the rage, the sorrow overwhelms me quickly. In no time at all, I am hysterical. The following day, I feel the physical affects. My arms are cut and stinging, There are bruises I don't remember getting, and all of my muscles ache. My head pounds from the tension and strain of all the emotion. I replay scenes in my mind and fill with guilt over the things I have done and said. I wonder what is wrong with me? Why can I not control this? I feel weak and crazy. I am embarrassed, and I don't want anyone to know how out of control I am. This is not me. This is not who I am. I am better than this. I am stronger than this. Why can't I do this? Why can't I control this? I am terrified now. I desperate as I am to control these emotions, I am terrified of my own darkness. I have been done this path before and it made me feel pathetic and sad. People took pity on me, or saw me as someone who needed to be handled with kid gloves or someone who needed to be fixed. I am NONE OF THOSE THINGS and I refuse, I REFUSE to allow myself to be seen that way. Now, what I ask myself. I know I can need help. I know I will continue to spin out of control until something interrupt my momentum, but asking for help will let other people know I am weak. So I continue to walk that line of sane verses insane, busy verses overwhelmed, and emotional verses hysterical, knowing that any little shift will throw me off balance once again.

Perspective

And my sister said, "I can believe you're going to just let this girl walk all over you..." I have played it over and over in my head for several weeks now. Each time I feel the lump in my throat, as I think to myself, "What? Why would your sister think that? Why would you think that? How could I be walking all over you? Don't you see everything I've done for you, for us? How many times I tried to support you, help you, take care of you? Couldn't you see the pressure I was under, how much fell in my shoulders? Couldn't you tell I was crumbling under the weight of it all? And you, don't you see how badly you hurt me? How I would have done anything you needed? All I wanted was to be able to count on you when I needed you? To feel like you would also do anything for me? Why don't you see that? I am not perfect. I am not without blame, but walking all over you? Treated you badly? Is that truly how you see me? Is that how you view us? How can that be?"

"I can't believe you're going to let this girl walk all over you."
"What?"

Everyone has their own perspective, their own opinions, and their own feelings. But what do you do when your perspective and feels so far away from the other persons that it feels as if you are not even talking about the same event? It sometimes makes me question my own judgment and sanity. How could I have perceived things so in accurately? I don't understand. Are there other events in my life that are not what I thought they were? Is my perspective screwed on other people who feel have hurt me? Am I just getting what I deserve? I don't know any more.

"I can't believe you're going to let this girl walk all over you."
"What?"
"Well you did treat me pretty bad."

The pain, the guilt, and the anger clinging to me like the sticky strings if a spider web. Freeing myself of one feeling, just means I get caught up in another, and once free of that, I find that some little piece of that original web is still stuck to me. Sometime I can't even see the web anymore, but I feel it. I know that it is still there. I am not quite able to free myself of the past without unraveling the entire web of mistakes. I don't know how to do that. I thought that I had knocked this web clean and was free of it, but now I see that it was just so finely spun that I didn't see it until I walked right into it again.

"I can't believe you're going to let this girl walk all over you."
"What?"
"Well, you did treat me pretty bad"
"I did everything I could to help you..."

Predator and Prey

Sometimes my depression is like a relentless stalker. Lurking somewhere just out of sight, blending in with a blur of faces I pass at the grocery store. I can't see it, but I sense it there, just waiting to pounce. The same way a zebra senses the lioness watching it from behind the tall grass. There is an uneasiliness about me, a constant anxiety about what lies around each corner. I have a greater awareness of every sound, every movement, every person around me. I have a constant need to move, distract myself. It all begins to ware away at me. The tension in me builds until I become so overwhelmed and angry that I begin to show physical signs of anxiety. My hands visibly shake, and I appear tired. I have been trying to out run my own misery for so long that I begin to stumble. I become disorganized, my memory becomes spotty, and my energy level drops. I don't immediately see the changes in myself. I have no sense that I am beginning to make myself more and more vunerible. I am so wrapped up in the fear of the depression coming that I do not realize it is beginning to close in on me. Eventually, worn down by my own efforts to distract myself, the constant worrying about being ok, and the stress of life as a single mom with a crappy job, I am forced by my body to stop and breath. This is the moment, the moment I become the sick zebra who has strayed from the herd. And wham, like a sudden strike to the head it hits me. All at once the anger, the sadness, the anxiety, they become too much, and I go down. Feeling like I have been rendered helpless, I have nothing left to fight back with. Mundane, everyday tasks become more than I am able to muster up the energy or desire to do. Taking care of my child and sleep become my only goals for the day. I feel angry and weak for letting myself get overrun in such a way. That is when the the real damage starts. The recordings begin to play in my head, and with them comes all the memories. The memories of every time in my life that I didn't measure up or every time that I let my depression stalker overtake me. I fill with sadness, embarrassment, and fear. What if this is my whole life? What if I am not as capable as I thought I was? What if I need help? Who will help me? I don't want to be a burden to anyone, nor do I want to admit that I am not capable of keeping a home clean, working full-time, or being the best mom I can be to my little girl. Those are things I should be able to do. Those are things "normal" people do everyday. Why can't I? Why couldn't I just keep running? Why did I let myself get caught by this illness again?

And so it's been for the last few weeks. Constant need to run, distract myself, pretend not to feel the presence of my stalker behind me. Until two very bad days in a row knocked my feet out from under me, and down I came like an injured zebra, and the predator did not hesitate to snap me up in my moment of weakness. Looking back I can see so clearly all the little signs that I was in danger. I wonder if I could have stopped it some how. Cut it off at the pass. For now I sit here, wondering how I am going to get through the week, and even if I do what will happen next. How long will it long will it take to escape my captor? Once freed, how long will I be able to run before it catches up with me again?

Emmett Kelly (the sad clown)

I love Emmett Kelly.

I had a great, great, great aunt (my grandmother's aunt) who loved Emmett Kelly, and I, well, I adored my aunt. She was kind, and strong, and still living on her own in the city well into her 70's or 80's. When I graduated high school, my grandmother gave me the Emmett Kelly collectors doll I had loved to look at in my aunt's room. I later got an Emmett Kelly snow globe (I collect snow globs...weird I know) and wall art. My love of Emmett now seems some what foreboding to me. Maybe, I was drawn to him for more reasons than my affection to my aunt. Maybe, even back at the age of 7 or 8, I knew I would someday live as a sad clown too. These days it seems to be raining more often than not. I really don't want to be "one of those" people. You know, the kind my mother said "no on likes to be around negative people" about. When my depression and anxiety sets in, it usually plays out something like this:
I buck it, try to through it off. Keep myself too busy to think. I look for quick fixes, a new hair style/color, new tattoo, purse, clothes...distractions. That inevitably fails. So I move into stage 2. Generally, this is the discontented stage. I begin saying "I think I am depressed."  I begin to HATE everything in my life, my job, my house, my bills, my appearance, my over all life path. I look for something to change about my life. Again, FAIL. So I move into stage 3. This is the PISSED OFF STAGE. I now HATE my life and am ready to tell anyone who will listen. I am also ready to argue with, yell at, cry about anyone who I see as making me MORE miserable, even if it is just for that moment. Some times this stage begins to move in to rages, sometimes not. After this stage though I am generally at least a month into the deeper end of my depressive state, and between the bucking and the anger I am tired. Bringing on Stage 4, the exhausted crying. After that, it is usually a short trip into stage 5, where I become so warn out and warn down that I just give up and give in. I begin saying things like "I am having a really hard time right now." and a lot of "I don't care" "It doesn't matter." Oh and if you get and "I'm fine" that is a SURE sign I have just given up. This is where I am now, although just for fun this time I seem to be repeating stages 3-5 over and over. There is a certain peace that comes with stage 5. I have given in. I will readily admit there is a problem that I can not control. I am no longer beating my head off a brick wall trying to make myself be something I am not. The anger has simmered down, and I am no longer hysterical. I also am no longer seeing life with and excitement, joy, or optimism. Now, normally there is a step 6. In step 6 I pull myself together enough to engage again. work through things through therapy, and the support of friends. Or some life change happens and I begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Once there is a ray of light, I can bounce back pretty quickly, especially with the support of Chuck and time with the kids. This time is different though. While I am continuing to keep pluggin' along, the light doesn't seem to be coming. Maybe it is because, Chuck is also struggling and is going through a med change so we have had a hard time connecting. Maybe it's because there is just SO much going on that I can't keep up. Maybe this is just a really bad...I don't know what you call it depressive episode? Maybe the emotions are just THAT deep this time that it is taking longer for me to resurface. But I am beginning to worry. I wonder how long I can keep going this way.

Ok Anger Just You & Me

This is the article from my last blog. Lets see how this goes.

 

What Is Anger Trying To Tell You About Your Life?

By Gabrielle Gawne-Kelnar
 (LOVE the Pic)
Anger. It’s got a pretty bad reputation. And we’re often told what to do with it: be careful with it. Suppress it. Vent it. Override it. It’s like anger’s some kind of volatile, toxic force to be harnessed or defused.
But maybe there’s another way of looking at it altogether.
Maybe you can actually learn from anger. Listen to it. See what it has to tell you. Get curious about it.
The sticker in the photo (above), in a cleverly vandalised train carriage I travelled in recently, has another suggestion for how to respond to anger:

“If anger is present
rove to another age”

So let’s take another look at anger for a moment.

When was the last time you felt angry? Well last night Seething. Really hot and bothered. Maybe you were even having those pretend conversations in your mind with the other person (your “enemy” for that moment), setting them straight with devastating wit or eloquence.
Remember that? Very Clearly
And now, instead of being drawn down into the detail of whatever lit your fury at the time, just try sort of stepping back for a second. See what happens if you ask yourself something like:

• What’s this anger trying to tell me? That I am completely overwhelmed and exhausted by this situation? And I am scared.
• Or what’s missing in this picture for me? A sense of feeling important, appreciated. A sense that my needs and feelings are AS important as the rest of my family, and a sense of safety. I think the 2 go hand in hand for me.
• What would resolve this for me – and why? To hear some supportive loving words, because I am working very hard to make sure EVERYONE else is making this transition as smoothly as possible, but no one sees that.
• What do I actually need right now? Love and support. A place to feel safe. No angry words.
• What’s this really about for me? For me it is often about not feeling validated, important, or seen. I really want Chuck to just see how hard I am trying and how much I am struggling right now.

And, as the sticker suggests, maybe another good query to ask is:
How old am I right now? What age do I feel inside?
For maybe your anger isn’t just about this one isolated event. Maybe it relates back to a specific incident, or a whole string of them, that you previously experienced. Or a pattern of some kind that started decades ago. Or maybe it’s simply exposing or tapping-into the vulnerability or hurt or lack of control you may have felt when you were young.
So what age are you in the heat of the moment? Hummmm...Last night I would have to say I did well and stayed in my 30's. Walking away and or tell Chuck to leave me alone rather than throwing a fit. Earlier this week I was clearly a 5 year old throwing a temper tantrum.
And what psychological or emotional age might put you in the best position to start resolving this problem? Would you be older? Younger? Younger Maybe it’s possible to consciously “rove to another age” and draw on things like your adult negotiating skills, your experience of self-soothing, and your fully-grown sense of agency and personal power. Or maybe you want to invite a younger sense of play. I need to have an inter sense of self importance and self love to draw from in moments when I feel others are paying me lip service. I will never be heard if I am screaming at the top of my lungs the way I will be heard if I am calm and patient. I need to feel like I am safe from angry, hurtful words, but I must also then stop using them myself. (easier said then done)
Of course, it can be a big ask to do any of this stuff in the heat of the moment. So it can also be worth coming back to that moment again later. To do some investigating after the fact. To practice.
So that next time anger’s upon you, you’ll have a better chance of really choosing your response – a response that brings you closer to resolving what hurt you in the first place – rather than just being captive to a knee-jerk reaction that often just keeps the damage going.
And maybe that’s another vital lesson which anger can remind us of – that we have choice. Right there, when all your buttons are being pushed, is exactly the time that something you really value is usually centre stage. So, in a way, anger is like a signpost, pointing directly to the moments, the values, that matter most to you. A signpost reminding you of your choices.
And, if you can learn to really see anger like that, with all its invitations and lessons, it’s actually a pretty amazing thing – at any age Pretty amazing way to look at it. In order to view anger in this way, I think you must first have a greater amount of mindfulness of emotion over all then what most people have. You must be able to KNOW your buttons are being pushed and begin to separate yourself from the emotion of the moment. Perhaps that is more possible the farther away from the angry moment you get, but i think most people automatically switch in to "old brain" or "fight or flight mode" when their values or safety is threatened. So how does one cope with that? How does one fight through that old brain thought pattern in order to start a new pattern? THAT is what I need to find now. Plus, everyone feels anger. Like I said I feel it is more what you DO with that anger that makes a difference in your life. So what is my release? How do I not let that angry build inside me?

Ok below are the texts I later sent to Chuck explaining the way I was truly feeling without the hurt and anger:
 I am not trying to fight here honestly
That is the last thing I want, but there is stuff going on with u that u can't see clearly right now
I am worried
U r not urself and maybe its the meds I don't know but
Remind me of an injured animal who is scared and lashing out trying to protect itself
I don't know how to keep myself together
It reminds me of the last time I ask u to go to your sister's and I am really scared
Really scared

So that was the truth. The truth is Chuck and I have been through A LOT and we have not always handled it well. Some times the Adderall makes him more aggressive, and some times my feelings get hurt by his straight forward nature. Sometimes his feelings get hurt by my sarcasm, and this has lead to some pretty explosive fights. And because I have been emotionally abused in the past, that is always where my mind goes. I am always fighting to make my importance known, and so is he, which makes us less visible to each other. Each of us willing to push just a little harder to get the other to notice, eventually someone pushes too hard. Each time that happens we ware away a little more trust, making the breaking point that much closer with each fight, and making it that much harder to back down, back up, and repair with each fight. So I guess the "sign" my anger was pointing to was self value and how I need to find some before I can expect to have value to others. I'm sorry Chuck. I hear you Honey.

AHHHHHHHHHHH I AM ANGRY

I realized yesterday that much of my life, and mood lately has been based on anger. As has much of Chucks. Not even angry with each other, though there has been some of that, but anger at his ex, anger at the situation, and anger at the "unfairness" of life. Yesterday I sent 16 text messages in a 10 minute time spand to my BFF. All of them in tirade form. Here are a few snippits (please keep in mind, especially if you are Chuck that I was venting to a friend)

My comments About Chuck:

 Omg! Omg! Omg! They took chuck off his meds and I am ready to kill him! My dog 
hit her head and there is blood on it

We ran out of gas this morning on the way to work. Then he was late picking me 
up and I am STILL not sure y he had to drive me in the 1st place

 I walk in the house all 3 of them talking at once and I ask chuck why the front 
door is unlocked and he says "here honey come in here"

So I go in the kitchen and he says " let me help u out. Here ya go" and hands me a frying pan

 I think he was joking but I nearly kicked his ass

My comments about Chuck's ex:

I am so fucking sick of thinking about this woman

So fucking sick of hearing about her

So fucking sick of debating what's wrong w/ her

Where is she? What is she doing? Is she high?

What did she do to the kids?
 
Since chuck and I met off and on over and over
 
Well now girly is safe so who fucking cares what she does? Where she is? Y does 
this still effect MY day to day?
 
 
While I am not the kinda girl who is afraid to throw the occasional f bomb,
I would not consider myself the kinda gal who curses like a sailor. Yet
 I am finding that word entering my vocabulary more and more. No other 
word seems to allow me to express exactly HOW agitated I am, truly.
Between the Adderall, the actual 
stress of the situation, and his PTSD Chuck is...well...last night I 
compared him to an injured animal that has been backed into a corner. He
 is defensive, and scared all the time. It makes it hard to talk to him 
reason with him, and knowing he is already feeling upset, I don't want 
to then dump all my angry feelings on top of his. He is switching to 
Ritalin today, and we are hoping that helps lessen the aggression and 
agitation he is experiencing, as well as, bring down his overall anxiety level. We have seen a difference as he has tapered hid dose down.

Now I believe that there is more 
than one type of anger. There is the type that pushes you, moves you to 
do more, make changes, move forward, grow. It is warranted, it is 
legitimate. It motivates you make the world, your world better. It 
empowers you. Then there is the type of anger that holds you down, 
weighs on you, and keeps you stuck in a continuing downward spiral. This may start as legitimate, but then take on a life of its own. This anger is locked inside you burning, eating away at you. So the question becomes what will you do with your anger? This
 is what I struggle with the most. I am so convinced from my past 
experiences that I have no voice, that no one care, and that my feelings
 don't matter that I don't know what to do with intense feelings when I 
have them. That in and of itself makes me angry and I begin to fester, 
until my mind and body can no longer subdue it and I explode, but then I
 just feel ashamed, out of control, and crazy. And on top of that 
whomever I am angry with, will never hear me when I am screaming and out
 of control, making whatever legitimate hurt they may have caused 
secondary to my current actions, which in turn (at least in my slightly 
maladjusted thought process) re-enforces to me that my feelings are 
unheard, illegitimate. Now I am stuck. While, in the beginning I may 
have been trying to use the anger to move myself forward, I have now 
made it into a my own downfall. 
Today I found this blog/ article on
 PsychCentral, complete with a link to a page of questions to help 
change the way you look at anger in your life.

Therapist-within learning from anger

Am I Angry...or am I Growing?

Once you become a grown up, you kinda get that life isn't always fair...or at least you should. Also, as an adult you can of except that, right? I mean most days I am ok with it. My life is not perfect, but I have a lot to be thankful for too. Lately, though...not so much. I have been having a rough week...errr month...ummm...let's say year, and frankly I am start to reach my limit. I am really, really angry, and frankly I know there is not a damn thing I can do about it, but vent. In the last year Chuck and I have both lost jobs, we have both had loved ones die, I have been hospitalized and had to have surgery. We have had battles with each other, exes, with my family, and several emergencies/ major dramas involving his daughter. WTH? What have I done to deserve all of this? I am a good person. I try to be goood to others. I work hard. I would move mountains for my family, and espcially my child. I am honest, and kind, socially minded, compassionate. Yet it just continues to build. I believe strongly that everything happens for a reason, and that the greatest amount of growth comes out of the biggest challenges, but yow! How much did I need to learn/ grow? I once heard a person on the radio talking about his belief in God. He explained that we all assume God put us here to find happiness and fulfillment, but what if that's not true? What if God put us here to learn from each other, to grow as individuals, and as a species? And when do we grow the most? Is it when you are happy and fulfilled? No. It is often when you are facing adversity. I often remember that when I am feeling especially angry, tired, overwhelmed, or hopeless. It helps me to look at the bigger picture instead of that moment of pain. Lately, I think I have been forgetting that. The moment of pain is becoming one day of crisis after another and it is hard to see beyond that. Then it becomes easy to begin to loose hope, easy to start to point fingers at those around me, and even easier to beat myself up. Angry is a legitimate feeling. Something we all experience, but it is also something that can distroy you slowly, if you allow it too. I am bigger than that! I am better than that! I am alright with the fact that I get angry. It can help motivate change, but I can not let it consume who I am. I will focus on finding real,proactive ways to deal with it. I am going to choose to believe that this" string of bad luck" shall we say, is just a path to something bigger than I am able to see right now. I will continue to have faith in what is meant to be.