AHHHHHHHHHHH I AM ANGRY

I realized yesterday that much of my life, and mood lately has been based on anger. As has much of Chucks. Not even angry with each other, though there has been some of that, but anger at his ex, anger at the situation, and anger at the "unfairness" of life. Yesterday I sent 16 text messages in a 10 minute time spand to my BFF. All of them in tirade form. Here are a few snippits (please keep in mind, especially if you are Chuck that I was venting to a friend)

My comments About Chuck:

 Omg! Omg! Omg! They took chuck off his meds and I am ready to kill him! My dog 
hit her head and there is blood on it

We ran out of gas this morning on the way to work. Then he was late picking me 
up and I am STILL not sure y he had to drive me in the 1st place

 I walk in the house all 3 of them talking at once and I ask chuck why the front 
door is unlocked and he says "here honey come in here"

So I go in the kitchen and he says " let me help u out. Here ya go" and hands me a frying pan

 I think he was joking but I nearly kicked his ass

My comments about Chuck's ex:

I am so fucking sick of thinking about this woman

So fucking sick of hearing about her

So fucking sick of debating what's wrong w/ her

Where is she? What is she doing? Is she high?

What did she do to the kids?
 
Since chuck and I met off and on over and over
 
Well now girly is safe so who fucking cares what she does? Where she is? Y does 
this still effect MY day to day?
 
 
While I am not the kinda girl who is afraid to throw the occasional f bomb,
I would not consider myself the kinda gal who curses like a sailor. Yet
 I am finding that word entering my vocabulary more and more. No other 
word seems to allow me to express exactly HOW agitated I am, truly.
Between the Adderall, the actual 
stress of the situation, and his PTSD Chuck is...well...last night I 
compared him to an injured animal that has been backed into a corner. He
 is defensive, and scared all the time. It makes it hard to talk to him 
reason with him, and knowing he is already feeling upset, I don't want 
to then dump all my angry feelings on top of his. He is switching to 
Ritalin today, and we are hoping that helps lessen the aggression and 
agitation he is experiencing, as well as, bring down his overall anxiety level. We have seen a difference as he has tapered hid dose down.

Now I believe that there is more 
than one type of anger. There is the type that pushes you, moves you to 
do more, make changes, move forward, grow. It is warranted, it is 
legitimate. It motivates you make the world, your world better. It 
empowers you. Then there is the type of anger that holds you down, 
weighs on you, and keeps you stuck in a continuing downward spiral. This may start as legitimate, but then take on a life of its own. This anger is locked inside you burning, eating away at you. So the question becomes what will you do with your anger? This
 is what I struggle with the most. I am so convinced from my past 
experiences that I have no voice, that no one care, and that my feelings
 don't matter that I don't know what to do with intense feelings when I 
have them. That in and of itself makes me angry and I begin to fester, 
until my mind and body can no longer subdue it and I explode, but then I
 just feel ashamed, out of control, and crazy. And on top of that 
whomever I am angry with, will never hear me when I am screaming and out
 of control, making whatever legitimate hurt they may have caused 
secondary to my current actions, which in turn (at least in my slightly 
maladjusted thought process) re-enforces to me that my feelings are 
unheard, illegitimate. Now I am stuck. While, in the beginning I may 
have been trying to use the anger to move myself forward, I have now 
made it into a my own downfall. 
Today I found this blog/ article on
 PsychCentral, complete with a link to a page of questions to help 
change the way you look at anger in your life.

Therapist-within learning from anger