My Life with an OCD Man

After talking to a close friend about her current relationship, and my past marriage I decided to back up today and take a look at my former life.

Ok so basically there were 3 events that lead to the end of my marriage, though as you know it was not a terribly stable marriage to start with. I don't know if you knew my ex, David, had some OCD behaviors. Door locking, turning the alarm off and on a certain number of times, and obsessive worrying. In September that year we had just moved to a new house in July, our daughter was about 18 months old, and a former co-work of his called about an opening at the company he had moved to, but it was in TX. I had some high school friends in TX, cost of living was slightly lower than where we were. Seemed like a possibility. But then they decided NOT to fill the TX spot, but to open a spot in FL. I do some internet research. FL was MORE expensive than where we lived, we know NO one there, and the new company is not willing to help us go down and check out the city or houses unless David signs a contract. I am saying....all not good signs. But David, at this point has it locked in his head that we are moving, and it is our shot at a better life. So we pay for everything, flights, rental car, food, they do kick in for a hotel but that's it, and we go to FL to look around. We spend about 6 hours a day for 3 days in a rented minivan with a 18 month old looking at houses we can not afford. FINALLY David gives in and we go home. About a week later he comes to me all upset and apologetic. He explains that due to the trip we are now overdrawn by over $300, there is only $20 space left on the credit card and we are out of milk and diapers. Like ooops I screwed up, here it is fix it!

This was not an unusual thing in our house. He had become obsessed with cars, computers, trips whatever seemed like it would make him happy, right then. He would work me, talk to me, show me how it would work, why it was so good, how we could make it fit into our budget, until I would give up and give in. I would wear down bit, by bit. (I should have been stronger)

That was Sept. In November we were booked to fly to his mother's (also in Florida, a state I have never really liked BTW) for Thanksgiving. Like 2 days before we are supposed to leave our daughter (again like under 2 years old) spikes a high fever. Of course, David doesn't want to take time off work to help because he is taking time off for us to go away. I take her to the doctor. They prick her finger and test her and say her white blood cell count is 2X the normal level. She has an infection. So, the next day I have to take her and hold her for blood tests, a cath for a urine test, AND ex-rays. Anyone, who knows me knows 1- that child is my everything and 2- I don't do well with blood and medical tests.The day of the trip is also our follow up at her doctor. We pack up as a just in case, and wait to see what the doctors say. The doctors tell us that her xrays show she has viral pneumonia, that they can not tell us if it is safe to take her on a plane or not, but that they would strongly advise that we put her on antibiotics first. David locked onto getting on that plane, decides we don't have time. As we getting the car and he begins to drive we are supposed to be talking about if we should even still go. I of course, feel like why take the chance, he again has it locked in his head that we ARE going. Instead of discussing it with me, once we are all buckled in he drives to long-term parking at the airport and parks. It is a holiday weekend so there are attendants there to help people and they begin to unload our car. Hide sight being 20/20, I should have left him at that airport and taken my daughter to get her medicines. But I didn't I was stunned by what was happening and while I was furious I got on the plane. I am not sure I will ever really forgive him for that. That is when it became obvious to me that his OCD was no longer affecting just him, or just us as a couple.

The last straw was over Christmas and New Year. David's family being Jewish, my family had always gotten to do Christmas with us. Well this year, his mother decided that wasn't fair and since she had time off work anyway, that she AND her friend from Florida were coming up for Christmas too. I was NOT happy about this arrangement, especially since it had been such a trying Thanksgiving, but we decide that after the holiday our daughter and I will go back home with my family for the week between Christmas and New Year, giving us some time with just my family. Then David will meet us near the half way point New Years Eve and we can all have New Years together. The next day David, our daughter and I would go back to our house and my parents back to theirs. All planned, hotel booked, New Years Eve day David called me. He is in a panic because he has forgotten to make arrangements for the dogs. Of course all the kennels are full, it's New Years after all. I talk to my family we decide we are not going to pay for a hotel for the 4 of us, if David isn't meeting us we will cancel the trip. I give David an earful about how I was counting on this and it was MY family holiday. So he says no, no I'll figure it out. He calls an hour later. He has decided to lock the dogs in a bathroom and clean up their mess later. I, of course, say no way to this and that this is cruel to even do to them. He invites our friend over to have her let them out. The Chow mix bites her. David freaks out, becomes convinced our dog will eat our friends and this won't work. He is also convinced that she is never going to speak to us again. We have an outdoor run. I suggest putting them in it over night with a tarp for shelter on one side. Meanwhile, I say "we are getting ready to leave are you SURE you are coming?" He says he is. An 1 1/2 hours into our trip he calls again. It is storming and David has always had an irrational fear of storms. Of course this storm means that our wooded lot (containing trees that are AT LEAST 30-50 years old) is going to come crashing down on our dogs or the house killing them all. He is not coming. Later that night he decides there is no use sitting home alone on New Years and goes drinking at his bosses. My daughter, my parents and I spend the night in a hotel room for no good reason. We are all in bed by 10. David and I split up by the end of February.

That was 4 years ago now, and it has been a long time since I have told those stories, but even after all this time, after he and I have both moved on, I feel all the anxiety that working around his fears and locked on to ideas caused me. I feel how hurt and angry I was holding my sick little girl on the plane ride to his mothers. I feel how guilty I felt for not being stronger, for not saying "no this isn't right" and sticking by that. I guess those wounds heeled over, but the scars are still evident.

As a side note, David was under going treatment during part of our marriage and was doing really well. After the birth of our daughter, he decided he was doing SO well that he no longer needed meds OR therapy. He hung in there for awhile, but has since begun back sliding and having such high level anxiety attacks that he passed out at work, had to have his heart tested, and was unable to function normal. He is back on the meds, exercising, has lost 35 pounds, and is healthy mentally and physically again. I am proud of him. Proving once again, that mental illness is not something that can be controled by simply ignoring it or trying to will it away.