Emmett Kelly (the sad clown)

I love Emmett Kelly.

I had a great, great, great aunt (my grandmother's aunt) who loved Emmett Kelly, and I, well, I adored my aunt. She was kind, and strong, and still living on her own in the city well into her 70's or 80's. When I graduated high school, my grandmother gave me the Emmett Kelly collectors doll I had loved to look at in my aunt's room. I later got an Emmett Kelly snow globe (I collect snow globs...weird I know) and wall art. My love of Emmett now seems some what foreboding to me. Maybe, I was drawn to him for more reasons than my affection to my aunt. Maybe, even back at the age of 7 or 8, I knew I would someday live as a sad clown too. These days it seems to be raining more often than not. I really don't want to be "one of those" people. You know, the kind my mother said "no on likes to be around negative people" about. When my depression and anxiety sets in, it usually plays out something like this:
I buck it, try to through it off. Keep myself too busy to think. I look for quick fixes, a new hair style/color, new tattoo, purse, clothes...distractions. That inevitably fails. So I move into stage 2. Generally, this is the discontented stage. I begin saying "I think I am depressed."  I begin to HATE everything in my life, my job, my house, my bills, my appearance, my over all life path. I look for something to change about my life. Again, FAIL. So I move into stage 3. This is the PISSED OFF STAGE. I now HATE my life and am ready to tell anyone who will listen. I am also ready to argue with, yell at, cry about anyone who I see as making me MORE miserable, even if it is just for that moment. Some times this stage begins to move in to rages, sometimes not. After this stage though I am generally at least a month into the deeper end of my depressive state, and between the bucking and the anger I am tired. Bringing on Stage 4, the exhausted crying. After that, it is usually a short trip into stage 5, where I become so warn out and warn down that I just give up and give in. I begin saying things like "I am having a really hard time right now." and a lot of "I don't care" "It doesn't matter." Oh and if you get and "I'm fine" that is a SURE sign I have just given up. This is where I am now, although just for fun this time I seem to be repeating stages 3-5 over and over. There is a certain peace that comes with stage 5. I have given in. I will readily admit there is a problem that I can not control. I am no longer beating my head off a brick wall trying to make myself be something I am not. The anger has simmered down, and I am no longer hysterical. I also am no longer seeing life with and excitement, joy, or optimism. Now, normally there is a step 6. In step 6 I pull myself together enough to engage again. work through things through therapy, and the support of friends. Or some life change happens and I begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Once there is a ray of light, I can bounce back pretty quickly, especially with the support of Chuck and time with the kids. This time is different though. While I am continuing to keep pluggin' along, the light doesn't seem to be coming. Maybe it is because, Chuck is also struggling and is going through a med change so we have had a hard time connecting. Maybe it's because there is just SO much going on that I can't keep up. Maybe this is just a really bad...I don't know what you call it depressive episode? Maybe the emotions are just THAT deep this time that it is taking longer for me to resurface. But I am beginning to worry. I wonder how long I can keep going this way.