I Need to Cry, But I Can't

Illustration by James Collins

Today is a crying for no reason day, or more accurately a crying for EVERY reason day. I realized today that while I have teared up several times recently. It has been awhile since I have had "a good cry". Which means what I have been doing is burying my emotions, and/or keeping myself distracted enough to keep myself numb. Either way, it is not good. I am defiantly depressed. I seem to be finding very little happiness these days. My anxiety is up to the highest it has been in a long while. My concentration level is GONE! I sometimes find myself talking and honestly have NO idea what I am saying. No recollection of what is coming out of my mouth, or what the thought process was that got me there. I am increasingly disappearing into my own head at home and at work. Tuning out Chuck and the girls as though they are not even talking to me. Forgetting to do basic things like walk the dog before bed, feed myself. Today Chuck ask if it was foggy this morning on the way to the bus stop, and I remembered fog, but could not answer for sure if that was today's drive to the bus, or Monday's. I am mostly going through the motions now, and one day blurs into the next.

Yesterday I woke up hurting. Sore from my throat to my back. Head pounding, feeling like I hadn't had a good night sleep in a week. I thought uh oh, fall allergy season has begun. I spent the majority of the day asleep. When I wasn't asleep I was sipping coffee, yet by 9PM I was yawning again, and I slept the night through as though I had had a full day.  So then I began to wonder, am I not feeling well physically, or is this depression? Then I thought, "Great Patty that's what you need, to have anxiety over whether you are letting your anxiety depress you! Just add that to the list of things you are worried about." Kind of a chicken and the egg type thing, do I feel worse because I am getting sick, or do I feel sick because I am feeling worse. (sigh) So if I go home and cry until I run out of tears will I feel better? Will it give me the release I need? Or will it just lead to opening up a Pandora's box of emotion that I clearly am not able to deal with right now? And whatta you do with that? It is not like I have the time, space, or energy to do my drawings, meditate, or even cry to a friend. I pretty much distract myself with my book to keep from having to deal with my overwhelming emotional state, and just keep on keepin on because I don't really feel like I have any other option. I am not am to reach Chuck right now. He is also in an altered state. I can not quit or give up, I have 2 little girls who count on me every day. So each day becomes a blure of things I "have to do" for work, for my family, for my pets, and nothing more. I am sad, I am angry, I NEED to cry.

I have moments of feeling SO glad to have gotten Chuck's daughter out of such a crazy, sad life style. Or of feeling bonded to her, or her feeling attached to me. Or the joy I feel when I am rocking her and she falls asleep with her little head on my chest snuggled up to the stuff animal we got her as a welcome "home" gift. I have moments of pride in my child as she aces her spelling list. Or a moment of hearing her Or a moment of happiness when she giggles about some game we are playing. A moment of contentment with one girl snuggled next to me and one on my lap, story in my hand. And I cling to those mements. They ARE memories that are crystal clear to me. Staying with me and helping me remember what it is like to not be angry or numb. I cling to them. People keep asking me how I am doing? Am I ok? How are we all adjusting? Without a second thought I automatically blut out "we are fine" "I'm ok" "It's ok" The truth is I don't know how much longer I can be this OK, and that scares me. I CAN NOT be depressed. I CAN NOT stop being mom. I CAN NOT stop bringing in an income. I CAN NOT stop supporting Chuck while he does what he has to in order to help his child. I CAN NOT disappear. I know this and it weighs on me. What if I am not ok? Nope, not going to even let my head go there. I MUST be ok. I can't let my emotions get ahold of me.