The Apple Doesn't Fall Far From the Tree

I watch my daughter fidgeting in her seat as we go over her spelling words. I see her cover her ears and shake whenever there is a loud noise. I recognized her panicked expressions, her need for distraction, and her heighten sensitivity to what's around her. We do not celebrate Halloween, we DO NOT use auto flush toilets, we avoid masks of all kinds, and until this year tall slides or play tubes were completely out! Every teacher, and several of her doctors have said what I already know. My daughter has an anxiety problem. Since she is only 7 I will not call it a disorder. However, seeing as her father and I having both been diagnosed with, and are being treated for, general anxiety disorder, I feel certain this is not a phase. I see her suffering, feeling genuine fear and anxiety and I want to make it better. I want to fix it for her.

I know all to well how she feels. The crawling out of your own skin feeling anxiety gives you. The butterflies in your stomach over the littlest things. I experience it too, while I have tried to hide my anxiety from her since she was a baby, I know that she sees my reactions, and she feels my tension. The worst part, and the hardest part for me to control, is my heighten sensitivity. The littlest noises, or motions will make me literally feel jittery, nervous, or tense. Oh and crowds, large crowds of people will make me feel like my head is going to explode. So, amusement parks, malls, festivals, concerts, all anxiety ridden for me, and in turn, for her. Once I feel like crawling out of my skin, my sensativity to being touched also increases. I feel so much guilt when my child wants a hug or a snuggle and I pull away. I seats try to explain that mommy is having a hard time right now, or mommy needs some space, but I see her expression drop each time and it breaks my heart. And it breaks my heart to know that some day she will understand EXACTLY how I am feeling.

I Need to Cry, But I Can't

Illustration by James Collins

Today is a crying for no reason day, or more accurately a crying for EVERY reason day. I realized today that while I have teared up several times recently. It has been awhile since I have had "a good cry". Which means what I have been doing is burying my emotions, and/or keeping myself distracted enough to keep myself numb. Either way, it is not good. I am defiantly depressed. I seem to be finding very little happiness these days. My anxiety is up to the highest it has been in a long while. My concentration level is GONE! I sometimes find myself talking and honestly have NO idea what I am saying. No recollection of what is coming out of my mouth, or what the thought process was that got me there. I am increasingly disappearing into my own head at home and at work. Tuning out Chuck and the girls as though they are not even talking to me. Forgetting to do basic things like walk the dog before bed, feed myself. Today Chuck ask if it was foggy this morning on the way to the bus stop, and I remembered fog, but could not answer for sure if that was today's drive to the bus, or Monday's. I am mostly going through the motions now, and one day blurs into the next.

Yesterday I woke up hurting. Sore from my throat to my back. Head pounding, feeling like I hadn't had a good night sleep in a week. I thought uh oh, fall allergy season has begun. I spent the majority of the day asleep. When I wasn't asleep I was sipping coffee, yet by 9PM I was yawning again, and I slept the night through as though I had had a full day.  So then I began to wonder, am I not feeling well physically, or is this depression? Then I thought, "Great Patty that's what you need, to have anxiety over whether you are letting your anxiety depress you! Just add that to the list of things you are worried about." Kind of a chicken and the egg type thing, do I feel worse because I am getting sick, or do I feel sick because I am feeling worse. (sigh) So if I go home and cry until I run out of tears will I feel better? Will it give me the release I need? Or will it just lead to opening up a Pandora's box of emotion that I clearly am not able to deal with right now? And whatta you do with that? It is not like I have the time, space, or energy to do my drawings, meditate, or even cry to a friend. I pretty much distract myself with my book to keep from having to deal with my overwhelming emotional state, and just keep on keepin on because I don't really feel like I have any other option. I am not am to reach Chuck right now. He is also in an altered state. I can not quit or give up, I have 2 little girls who count on me every day. So each day becomes a blure of things I "have to do" for work, for my family, for my pets, and nothing more. I am sad, I am angry, I NEED to cry.

I have moments of feeling SO glad to have gotten Chuck's daughter out of such a crazy, sad life style. Or of feeling bonded to her, or her feeling attached to me. Or the joy I feel when I am rocking her and she falls asleep with her little head on my chest snuggled up to the stuff animal we got her as a welcome "home" gift. I have moments of pride in my child as she aces her spelling list. Or a moment of hearing her Or a moment of happiness when she giggles about some game we are playing. A moment of contentment with one girl snuggled next to me and one on my lap, story in my hand. And I cling to those mements. They ARE memories that are crystal clear to me. Staying with me and helping me remember what it is like to not be angry or numb. I cling to them. People keep asking me how I am doing? Am I ok? How are we all adjusting? Without a second thought I automatically blut out "we are fine" "I'm ok" "It's ok" The truth is I don't know how much longer I can be this OK, and that scares me. I CAN NOT be depressed. I CAN NOT stop being mom. I CAN NOT stop bringing in an income. I CAN NOT stop supporting Chuck while he does what he has to in order to help his child. I CAN NOT disappear. I know this and it weighs on me. What if I am not ok? Nope, not going to even let my head go there. I MUST be ok. I can't let my emotions get ahold of me.

It's Not Fair

The on going situation with Chuck's child has me thinking more, and more about parenting, and what is best for a child. Chuck and I really want another baby, but we know life is just too hectic right now. Then all this started with his daughter, and we started talking about the very real possibility of her coming to live with us, depending on what Child Services turned up. So that meant two kids in our house, one who was going to need quite a bit of extra attention, therapy, and some additional developmental help due to the environment she had been in, and one who has been an only child for 6 years, and is VERY used to being the center of everyone's attention. Could we handle more than that? And would it be fair to the kids? Then I start to think about the situation Chuck's daughter is in currently, and I think "OMG that poor little girl. Anything would be better." Again, I begin to revisit where that line is between, sick, and too sick to parent. If she didn't have clean close, didn't have new toys, didn't have her own bed, but was loved, cherished, and cared for, would that matter? Well, she's not. She has never had her own bed. She has never had a toy that her brother didn't destroy. She is on so many behavior meds that she physically appears drugged much of the time. She is receiving more help from the state than most children her age, and is still behind. It is SO unfair to me. I try to understand that her mother is sick, and doesn't understand what she is doing to her child, but I also think of that child and how she has no choice here. I am a firm believer that our children do not ask to be brought into the world, that is a choice WE make, and as such, we owe them everything, and they owe us nothing. We are responsible for their ENTIRE well being. We need to teach them, mold them, educate them so that they can be responsible adults. If there is something we can not do for them, to fulfill their basic. human. needs. WE are responsible for getting help. This mother is not getting help. In fact she is using the systems put in place to help her to her advantage. Using her children's issues (issues I feel she helped creat) to get extra money, extra help watching the kids. Then turning around and getting herself new tattoos and a $500 dog. Yet there is nothing, NOTHING I can do about any of it. I am NOT this poor little girl's mother. I am NOT technically Chuck's wife. I am nothing in this situation. I have no influence, no control. All I can do is sit by and wait. It makes me angry and frustrated. The whole situation seems unfair to me, unfair for Chuck, unfair, for me, unfair for the mom, and especially unfair for Chuck's little girl.

Then on the flip side, I have a friend who is great with kids. She and her husband love being around children. They have been together for about 14 years, and make a good living. Still they don't have their own child. They have chosen not to have a child of their own. My friend has a major genetic physical disability. Her husband has a major mental health diagnosis. So they decided that it would not be right to have a child who could easily be in a large amount of physical and mental pain, aside from the the logistics of how does one who is unable to care for themselves, care for a baby. I know this is heart breaking to them. She often jokes that if her sister were ever to get pregnant by mistake, that she would gladly raise the child. She wants so badly to be a mother, and is loving enough, and has a strong enough maternal instinct to know that it wouldn't be right to put a child through that type of a life. I think the fact that she would even consider that makes her more suited to motherhood than other women who have children might ever be.

The more Chuck and I talk about having our own child the more I begin to examine what is fair, really? I feel like I am a good mother, Chuck is a great dad, but would our mental problems multiply into one hugely disturbed child? Ok I know that is probably an exaggeration, but I do worry. Every parent wants their child to have a better life than what they have, even if your life isn't so bad. We all want the best for our child. So if you know you have a chronic condition, of any type, that could cause your child to suffer, is it fair to have a child. Looking at Chuck and I, our offspring would be almost guaranteed to have depression and anxiety issues. Also, possibly ADD. What if we produce a child that is too scared to leave the house, or is depressive and suicidal? No one wants to think of their child living that type of life. Am I worrying too much? Again where is that line? And why is it so unfair? Why can I not go get that little girl and take care of her? It makes me question or world, God, fate all the big stuff. What is the point of a suffering child? How is that ok in anyone's eyes? The world feels off balance to me right now, and I want to set it right, tip the scales, but I don't know how.