It's Not Fair

The on going situation with Chuck's child has me thinking more, and more about parenting, and what is best for a child. Chuck and I really want another baby, but we know life is just too hectic right now. Then all this started with his daughter, and we started talking about the very real possibility of her coming to live with us, depending on what Child Services turned up. So that meant two kids in our house, one who was going to need quite a bit of extra attention, therapy, and some additional developmental help due to the environment she had been in, and one who has been an only child for 6 years, and is VERY used to being the center of everyone's attention. Could we handle more than that? And would it be fair to the kids? Then I start to think about the situation Chuck's daughter is in currently, and I think "OMG that poor little girl. Anything would be better." Again, I begin to revisit where that line is between, sick, and too sick to parent. If she didn't have clean close, didn't have new toys, didn't have her own bed, but was loved, cherished, and cared for, would that matter? Well, she's not. She has never had her own bed. She has never had a toy that her brother didn't destroy. She is on so many behavior meds that she physically appears drugged much of the time. She is receiving more help from the state than most children her age, and is still behind. It is SO unfair to me. I try to understand that her mother is sick, and doesn't understand what she is doing to her child, but I also think of that child and how she has no choice here. I am a firm believer that our children do not ask to be brought into the world, that is a choice WE make, and as such, we owe them everything, and they owe us nothing. We are responsible for their ENTIRE well being. We need to teach them, mold them, educate them so that they can be responsible adults. If there is something we can not do for them, to fulfill their basic. human. needs. WE are responsible for getting help. This mother is not getting help. In fact she is using the systems put in place to help her to her advantage. Using her children's issues (issues I feel she helped creat) to get extra money, extra help watching the kids. Then turning around and getting herself new tattoos and a $500 dog. Yet there is nothing, NOTHING I can do about any of it. I am NOT this poor little girl's mother. I am NOT technically Chuck's wife. I am nothing in this situation. I have no influence, no control. All I can do is sit by and wait. It makes me angry and frustrated. The whole situation seems unfair to me, unfair for Chuck, unfair, for me, unfair for the mom, and especially unfair for Chuck's little girl.

Then on the flip side, I have a friend who is great with kids. She and her husband love being around children. They have been together for about 14 years, and make a good living. Still they don't have their own child. They have chosen not to have a child of their own. My friend has a major genetic physical disability. Her husband has a major mental health diagnosis. So they decided that it would not be right to have a child who could easily be in a large amount of physical and mental pain, aside from the the logistics of how does one who is unable to care for themselves, care for a baby. I know this is heart breaking to them. She often jokes that if her sister were ever to get pregnant by mistake, that she would gladly raise the child. She wants so badly to be a mother, and is loving enough, and has a strong enough maternal instinct to know that it wouldn't be right to put a child through that type of a life. I think the fact that she would even consider that makes her more suited to motherhood than other women who have children might ever be.

The more Chuck and I talk about having our own child the more I begin to examine what is fair, really? I feel like I am a good mother, Chuck is a great dad, but would our mental problems multiply into one hugely disturbed child? Ok I know that is probably an exaggeration, but I do worry. Every parent wants their child to have a better life than what they have, even if your life isn't so bad. We all want the best for our child. So if you know you have a chronic condition, of any type, that could cause your child to suffer, is it fair to have a child. Looking at Chuck and I, our offspring would be almost guaranteed to have depression and anxiety issues. Also, possibly ADD. What if we produce a child that is too scared to leave the house, or is depressive and suicidal? No one wants to think of their child living that type of life. Am I worrying too much? Again where is that line? And why is it so unfair? Why can I not go get that little girl and take care of her? It makes me question or world, God, fate all the big stuff. What is the point of a suffering child? How is that ok in anyone's eyes? The world feels off balance to me right now, and I want to set it right, tip the scales, but I don't know how.

Just Hug Me

Do you ever just wish you could lay your head on some one's shoulder and have the weight taken off of your shoulders for just a moment? I am really feeling lately and I am wishing someone could lighten the load for me just for an hour or so. In my estimation, that is one of the main problems that Chuck and I seem to have. We are both struggling right now, both depressed, and both stressed, both anxious. I mean who wouldn't be? All of the stress with Chuck's daughter, him not having a job, my job not being stable, both of already having a history of anxiety and depression. Chuck spoke to Child Services today, and it sounded as though some of his concerns about his daughter's mother had not been looked into, which means more waiting, more stress. It is hard to support someone when you are feeling so down yourself. It all makes our home feel very tense, not like the safe haven we would like it to be. Is there a way to shut out the world when the world seems to be continually banging on your door? What happens if the world doesn't even knock, just barges right in and makes themselves at home? Or what if one of you is inviting the world in, but the other wants to keep them out? We have that issue often too. The whole situation with Chuck's daughter is feeling more, and more serious and urgent to me now, yet there is nothing I can do about any of it. I feel helpless, nervous, and like I am just weighting for a cat to pounce. I do not trust his ex. She does not see the world as others do, and she often blames Chuck for situations, she herself has created. And I do not mean in the traditional my ex is such a jerk sense, but more a I know I am unable to function and care for my child so I am going to accuse her father of something even more disturbing and scary so I look good sense. I am so confused, and scared, and angry with this woman. Wait...wait...wait...today's blog is about support right? Sorry like I said before. THIS is what seems to have CONSUMED our life for the last week. I just need some love, and some support and a HUGE hug, and I know Chuck does too. I just don't know why we seem unable to give that too each other when we are in the same house.

What to do Once the Elephant is Seen

Dealing with your own metal illness is a challenge, but dealing with someone else is even harder, especially when it is severe and it affects your child. What if to make things even MORE complicated you are no longer involved with the metally ill person? Where do the rights of the sick person end and the rights of the child begin? This is a question mental rights and family advocates, child services, and Chuck and I try to negotiate regularly. Over the last week it is a question that seems to have taken over or lives. We have know that Chuck's ex has several major mental health diagnosises, and we have had increasing concern for his daughter and the way they live. However, we believed his ex was being treated and getting help fr om the state in dealiing with their daughter. So we felt there was a safety net in place for them both. This week learned things have taken a major turn for the worse. We wonder what is best for everyone involved. Is someone with as severe a mental illness able to take care of a child? How much damage has been done already and how do you help a young child overcome something so dramatic as dealing with a sick parent? Can you explain to a mother who has little concept of the world outside her own deeply confused mind what danger she might be putting her child in? What is the affect of introducing a child who has been in such an unstable enviornment have on an already established family that has other children in the home? How do you coparent with someone who seems to be so removed from reality, possibly pathological? How do you keep you family safe from the toxic affects of the other person's illness? Living a considerable distance from the child and her mother how do we determine how much danger she is in? How sick her mother truly is? Or do we trust an overloaded child services case manager to determine that? I can't answer ANY of these questions, but I know they have been spinning in a continual loop in my head for the last week. I suspect they will continue to spin for weeks to come.