Dear Drama

Dear Drama,

It seems that for quite some time now you and I have had this love/hate thing going on. I hated having you around, but used you without even realizing it. That's right, I used you. I used you to test people, to see who cared enough about me to respond, or save me from YOU, from the drama. Sometimes, I even created you so that I could later use you. So many of my relationships have been based on how people responded to you drama. Not to me as a person, but you drama. When others in my life did not see you the way I did, I assume that I meant so little to them that they could not be bothered by my crisis. I wanted to be important enough to someone, anyone, that they would drop everything in order to come to my rescue. If they did not, I would create MORE of you, drama, in an attempt to get them to notice. At times becoming so desperate that I would scream, yell, and throw things. Sometimes I would try to bribe people with whatever I thought I had to offer. Often pitting one relationship in my life against another.  When that failed, I turned on myself. Becoming increasingly self destructive until I finally reached the point of no return.

I did not see you clearly. I did not know much I was held captive by you. I would say over and over, how you had no place in my life. I said how I hated you. How I was tired of you. How I did not want you around, but then time and time again I pulled you back into my life. Whipping you into scenario, after scenario, not understanding how much I needed you, or why I needed you. But now, now I see you more clearly than ever before, and I am making a choice to begin using you less and using myself more. I do not need you to make people see me, help me, love me. I need me. More than anything I need me. I need to worry less about being important to other people, and more about being important to myself. I need to stop hiding behind drama, and crises to get people to notice me. I need to be noticed for me, for my talent, my creativity, my sense of humor, my kindness.

That said, drama, I think we have reached the end of the line you and I. I know our paths will continue to cross from time to time, but I can no longer have you as my main coping mechanism. It's just not working any more, and I have to take control of my life now while I still can. I need to take control of my interactions with the people in my life now. We will meet from time to time, and I will not pretend not to know you. I will acknowledge you. I will appreciate the challenge you are bringing to me, and I will use it as an opportunity for growth, instead of a chance to test those who love me. I will make peace with you, and in doing so I will make peace with myself, and with those who love me. That is all.

Laur

Perspective

And my sister said, "I can believe you're going to just let this girl walk all over you..." I have played it over and over in my head for several weeks now. Each time I feel the lump in my throat, as I think to myself, "What? Why would your sister think that? Why would you think that? How could I be walking all over you? Don't you see everything I've done for you, for us? How many times I tried to support you, help you, take care of you? Couldn't you see the pressure I was under, how much fell in my shoulders? Couldn't you tell I was crumbling under the weight of it all? And you, don't you see how badly you hurt me? How I would have done anything you needed? All I wanted was to be able to count on you when I needed you? To feel like you would also do anything for me? Why don't you see that? I am not perfect. I am not without blame, but walking all over you? Treated you badly? Is that truly how you see me? Is that how you view us? How can that be?"

"I can't believe you're going to let this girl walk all over you."
"What?"

Everyone has their own perspective, their own opinions, and their own feelings. But what do you do when your perspective and feels so far away from the other persons that it feels as if you are not even talking about the same event? It sometimes makes me question my own judgment and sanity. How could I have perceived things so in accurately? I don't understand. Are there other events in my life that are not what I thought they were? Is my perspective screwed on other people who feel have hurt me? Am I just getting what I deserve? I don't know any more.

"I can't believe you're going to let this girl walk all over you."
"What?"
"Well you did treat me pretty bad."

The pain, the guilt, and the anger clinging to me like the sticky strings if a spider web. Freeing myself of one feeling, just means I get caught up in another, and once free of that, I find that some little piece of that original web is still stuck to me. Sometime I can't even see the web anymore, but I feel it. I know that it is still there. I am not quite able to free myself of the past without unraveling the entire web of mistakes. I don't know how to do that. I thought that I had knocked this web clean and was free of it, but now I see that it was just so finely spun that I didn't see it until I walked right into it again.

"I can't believe you're going to let this girl walk all over you."
"What?"
"Well, you did treat me pretty bad"
"I did everything I could to help you..."

Couple acticles I found interesting

mental illness or personality traits

never good enough

I thought both these articles were good to share both for the mentally ill partner and for those in love with someone ill.

Just Hug Me

Do you ever just wish you could lay your head on some one's shoulder and have the weight taken off of your shoulders for just a moment? I am really feeling lately and I am wishing someone could lighten the load for me just for an hour or so. In my estimation, that is one of the main problems that Chuck and I seem to have. We are both struggling right now, both depressed, and both stressed, both anxious. I mean who wouldn't be? All of the stress with Chuck's daughter, him not having a job, my job not being stable, both of already having a history of anxiety and depression. Chuck spoke to Child Services today, and it sounded as though some of his concerns about his daughter's mother had not been looked into, which means more waiting, more stress. It is hard to support someone when you are feeling so down yourself. It all makes our home feel very tense, not like the safe haven we would like it to be. Is there a way to shut out the world when the world seems to be continually banging on your door? What happens if the world doesn't even knock, just barges right in and makes themselves at home? Or what if one of you is inviting the world in, but the other wants to keep them out? We have that issue often too. The whole situation with Chuck's daughter is feeling more, and more serious and urgent to me now, yet there is nothing I can do about any of it. I feel helpless, nervous, and like I am just weighting for a cat to pounce. I do not trust his ex. She does not see the world as others do, and she often blames Chuck for situations, she herself has created. And I do not mean in the traditional my ex is such a jerk sense, but more a I know I am unable to function and care for my child so I am going to accuse her father of something even more disturbing and scary so I look good sense. I am so confused, and scared, and angry with this woman. Wait...wait...wait...today's blog is about support right? Sorry like I said before. THIS is what seems to have CONSUMED our life for the last week. I just need some love, and some support and a HUGE hug, and I know Chuck does too. I just don't know why we seem unable to give that too each other when we are in the same house.

Who Made This Mess!?

Alright, one more post for tonight. (This one slightly more light hearted than the last) I pose a question to you. Yes, you anyone who maybe ready. I just saw an article on pets and anxiety level, and this is somewhat of an on going debate in my house. Do pets increase or decrease your level of happiness and anxiety? I am an animal lover! I have never NOT had a pet. At most points in my life I have had more than one for legged friend. I have an especially soft spot for dogs. They are loyal, they accept you for just who you are, and they are ALWAYS happy to see you. And over all, they are pretty simplistic in that if you love them and treat them well, they return that energy too you. Each dog has its own unique personality and issues, just like humans. So in our house we have pets, and I adore them. They make me laugh. They snuggle with me. They show me affection when I am lonely, and they watch over us as a family. Protect us from the evil thunder storm, or the dreaded neighborhood bunny. (We live in a pretty mellow little town) That being said our pets are what I call "special needs" animals. In other words they are rescue animals who have some issues. They both have some degree of separation anxiety making them ESPECIALLY needy all the time and constantly under foot. One suffers so severely that she become panicked and distructive when left alone (less so now that she is ederly and not as mobile) They other is super sweet but really not the sharpest knife in the drawer, so to speak. Also, needs constant supervision because he likes to mark things as being his. Once even went as far as to make me as his territory. Needless to say, there is often quite a lot of cleaning up after them to do. In combination with the added financial burden, you can understand there is some level of stress that goes along with this. Now Chuck never really had pets growing up, so this whole experience is new to him. He enjoys them and is attached to them, but let's be honest, he would probably not have a pet if it were not for me. They are definitely NOT his four legged babies like they are mine. His argument is that with kids and all we have had going on for the last year, that they are just one more thing to worry about, and they are. Some days I feel like he is right and it is too much for us, but the next minute one of them makes me laugh so hard, or feel so loved that I can't imagine not having them. It is hard to find that balance though, between work and enjoyment, and between pet lover and pet liker. So do they add to our happiness as a family, or our anxiety?

oh lord please don't let me be misunderstood

first, let me say i am again writing from my cell phone, so bare with me. anyway, i have found that having been diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety disorsers are some times a blessing and a curse. for myself i feel like...ohhhhh so thatms the problem. however, foro those around me i often feel it is used as just another excuse to ignore my feelings/need. a kind of a, ohhhh do not mind her, she is crazy kind of a thing. how can something that help me understand myself better make me so much less understood by those who care about me

Don't Rain On My Parade

Today's elephant is self-esteem. Not just our own, but other people's and how it affects us and our daily lives. I am not one of those people who is able to tune out other people's negativity out. I wish I were, but I find more often it cuts right through me. Take yesterday as an example, I was in a pretty good mood. Having an ok kind of a day. Then near the end of the day, one person, who was apparently have a worse day, decided to share with me. I did react with "that was just rude" which was met with more nasty comments, and in a mater of 2 minutes time my whole mood and outlook had changed. My fiance has read about Highly Sensitive People http://www.hsperson.com/ and wonders if I may be in that camp. Either way, yesterdays encounter though only about 5 minutes in total length left me in a bad mood and feeling bad about myself for hours after. I know logically that everyone has their own issues, and while it is not right to take them out on others, it is not anything personal toward me. Yet when it comes from someone you are close to, and is about your appearance, inelegance, or life it is hard NOT to take it personally. So how do you not let it ruin your day? How do you not let someone who's personal self-esteem or mental state is unstable take you down when they lash out at you in a personal or abusive way? Is it simply a mater of having enough self-esteem stored up to withstand the blow?

Currently, my fiance (who we will call Chuck) has been laid off. His job is something he has struggled with since we met. It is also, as with most men, a major source of his self-esteem. I know he often worries that he has let me down, that he is not contributing enough to our family. He feels badly that he did not finish his degree, and he is angry with himself sometimes for not "living up to his potential". He feels depressed being home all day long while I am at work. As a couple we struggle with all these things, in addition to the stress that a dip in his income has caused. About a month ago we started couple's counseling to help us communicate about and deal with these issues. Feeling "not good enough" is a constant struggle for us both. It makes us defensive, depressed, and extra sensitive, making it harder to communicate. It often seems to cause us to pull away from each other at a time when we need to be supporting each other. One of my former counselors once told me that each person has an emotional bank account. When yours is empty it makes it impossible for you to make withdraws from it in order to make deposits in someone else's account. A new twist on the old you can't love someone else, until you love yourself. But what if the person you are dealing with is unaware that their bank account is low, or even that they are making you feel bad? On the flip side, sometimes overdrawing your account slightly can have big returns. This morning, knowing I had felt especially bad last night, and that I have been struggling with the fact that I recently gained weight, Chuck gave me a hug and told me how pretty I look today. It improved my mood and made me feel ok with myself. In return, I am now able to be more loving and supportive toward him through out the day. Instead of being introverted and depressed all day.

Introducing the Elephant

That is unless you are at one of my family gatherings, and then it is reversed. One in four of us is "normal" and the rest are insane! Actually, according to Mental Health America 54 million Americans suffer from some type of mental illness every year. That means millions of American families are affected by these mental disorders. How do we cope? How do you help a loved one who is having problems? THAT is the elephant in the room. It has been an elephant in my room since I was about 19. Often the elephant was dressed up, covered up, disguised as something else, and occasionally talked about but it was always there. So I am starting this blog. Part therapy session, part advice column, part comic relief, and hopefully something I will get some input from readers to help us all talk about the elephant. 

Let me start with what my elephant looks like. I have been diagnosed, and treated for clinical depression, anxiety, and self mutilation (ie cutting) and I threw in some standard "girl" stuff like an abusive ex and some body image issues, just to round it out. Writing it down is scary, putting it out there is scary, but over all I don't think I am all that "abnormal". However, what I have learned is that the people in my life who love me, can get pretty freaked out by all of this, especially if they don't understand all of it. And I am often concerned about the messages I am sending to my daughter. Will she hate her body because mommy hated to try on clothes or worried about looking fat all the time? Will she be able to be happy if she sees mommy on a constant mood roller coaster? I read books on child development, and raising strong girls all the time, but how much is nature and how much is nurture? At 6 there is already concern about her anxiety level. What does a middle class 6 year old who is healthy and has a somewhat charmed life have to be anxious about? Heredity, that's what! When you mix two parents with their own issues what does that mean for the child? My father is fond of joking that with my genetic cocktail I had no chance. While it makes people laugh I do wonder how true that is. And further more, how does the not always stable mood or actions of a parent affect a child? And what if BOTH parents are that way? 

I think that all too often families don't talk about these things. All too often mental illness, even mild cases IS the elephant in the room. So this is my attempt to call attention to it, find some support, help others, and explore family and relationship development when metal illness is present.

Here is the link to Mental Health America and their article about mental illness and families:

http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/go/information/get-info/mi-and-the-family/recognizing-warning-signs-and-how-to-cope