Dear Drama

Dear Drama,

It seems that for quite some time now you and I have had this love/hate thing going on. I hated having you around, but used you without even realizing it. That's right, I used you. I used you to test people, to see who cared enough about me to respond, or save me from YOU, from the drama. Sometimes, I even created you so that I could later use you. So many of my relationships have been based on how people responded to you drama. Not to me as a person, but you drama. When others in my life did not see you the way I did, I assume that I meant so little to them that they could not be bothered by my crisis. I wanted to be important enough to someone, anyone, that they would drop everything in order to come to my rescue. If they did not, I would create MORE of you, drama, in an attempt to get them to notice. At times becoming so desperate that I would scream, yell, and throw things. Sometimes I would try to bribe people with whatever I thought I had to offer. Often pitting one relationship in my life against another.  When that failed, I turned on myself. Becoming increasingly self destructive until I finally reached the point of no return.

I did not see you clearly. I did not know much I was held captive by you. I would say over and over, how you had no place in my life. I said how I hated you. How I was tired of you. How I did not want you around, but then time and time again I pulled you back into my life. Whipping you into scenario, after scenario, not understanding how much I needed you, or why I needed you. But now, now I see you more clearly than ever before, and I am making a choice to begin using you less and using myself more. I do not need you to make people see me, help me, love me. I need me. More than anything I need me. I need to worry less about being important to other people, and more about being important to myself. I need to stop hiding behind drama, and crises to get people to notice me. I need to be noticed for me, for my talent, my creativity, my sense of humor, my kindness.

That said, drama, I think we have reached the end of the line you and I. I know our paths will continue to cross from time to time, but I can no longer have you as my main coping mechanism. It's just not working any more, and I have to take control of my life now while I still can. I need to take control of my interactions with the people in my life now. We will meet from time to time, and I will not pretend not to know you. I will acknowledge you. I will appreciate the challenge you are bringing to me, and I will use it as an opportunity for growth, instead of a chance to test those who love me. I will make peace with you, and in doing so I will make peace with myself, and with those who love me. That is all.

Laur