Dear Drama

Dear Drama,

It seems that for quite some time now you and I have had this love/hate thing going on. I hated having you around, but used you without even realizing it. That's right, I used you. I used you to test people, to see who cared enough about me to respond, or save me from YOU, from the drama. Sometimes, I even created you so that I could later use you. So many of my relationships have been based on how people responded to you drama. Not to me as a person, but you drama. When others in my life did not see you the way I did, I assume that I meant so little to them that they could not be bothered by my crisis. I wanted to be important enough to someone, anyone, that they would drop everything in order to come to my rescue. If they did not, I would create MORE of you, drama, in an attempt to get them to notice. At times becoming so desperate that I would scream, yell, and throw things. Sometimes I would try to bribe people with whatever I thought I had to offer. Often pitting one relationship in my life against another.  When that failed, I turned on myself. Becoming increasingly self destructive until I finally reached the point of no return.

I did not see you clearly. I did not know much I was held captive by you. I would say over and over, how you had no place in my life. I said how I hated you. How I was tired of you. How I did not want you around, but then time and time again I pulled you back into my life. Whipping you into scenario, after scenario, not understanding how much I needed you, or why I needed you. But now, now I see you more clearly than ever before, and I am making a choice to begin using you less and using myself more. I do not need you to make people see me, help me, love me. I need me. More than anything I need me. I need to worry less about being important to other people, and more about being important to myself. I need to stop hiding behind drama, and crises to get people to notice me. I need to be noticed for me, for my talent, my creativity, my sense of humor, my kindness.

That said, drama, I think we have reached the end of the line you and I. I know our paths will continue to cross from time to time, but I can no longer have you as my main coping mechanism. It's just not working any more, and I have to take control of my life now while I still can. I need to take control of my interactions with the people in my life now. We will meet from time to time, and I will not pretend not to know you. I will acknowledge you. I will appreciate the challenge you are bringing to me, and I will use it as an opportunity for growth, instead of a chance to test those who love me. I will make peace with you, and in doing so I will make peace with myself, and with those who love me. That is all.

Laur

Advice from Ani

 I often use music as something to heal myself, or at least relate to during times of depression. One of my FAVORITE "angry chick" music (as my ex called it) comes from Ani Defranco. Lately, I have been needing some extra strength in dealing with my family, and out of nowhere Joyful Girl popped into my head. So I thought I'd share, via my blog, some Ani songs that are speaking to me right now.

Joyful Girl

"Joyful Girl"

i do it for the joy it brings
because i'm a joyful girl
because the world owes me nothing
and we owe each other the world
i do it because it's the least i can do
i do it because i learned it from you
i do it just because i want to
because I want to

everything i do is judged
and they mostly get it wrong
but oh well
'cuz the bathroom mirror has not budged
and the woman who lives there can tell
the truth from the stuff that they say
and she looks me in the eye
and says would you prefer the easy way?
no, well o.k. then
don't cry

and i wonder if everything i do
i do instead
of something i want to do more
the question fills my head
i know that there's no grand plan here
this is just the way it goes
and when everything else seems unclear
i guess at least i know

i do it for the joy it brings...

Present Infant

"Present/Infant"

Lately I've been glaring into mirrors picking myself apart
You'd think at my age I'd thought of something better to do
Than making insecurity into a full time job
Making insecurity into an art

And I fear my life will be over
And I will have never lived in unfettered
Always glaring into mirrors
Mad, I don't look better

But now here is this tiny baby
And they say she looks just like me
And she is smiling at me with that present infant glee
Yes, and I would defend to the ends of the earth
Her perfect right to be, be, be, be

So I'm beginning to see some problems
With the ongoing work of my mind
And I've got myself a new mantra
It says don't forget to have a good time
Don't let the sellers of stuff power enough to rob you of your grace

Love is all over the place
There's nothing wrong with your face
Love is all over the place
There's nothing wrong with your face

 

Angry Anymore

 

"Angry Anymore"

growing up it was just me and my mom
against the world
and all my sympathies were with her
when i was a little girl
but now i've seen both my parents
play out the hands they were dealt
and as each year goes by
i know more about how my father must have felt

i just want you to understand
that i know what all the fighting was for
and i just want you to understand
that i'm not angry anymore
i'm not angry anymore

she taught me how to wage a cold war
with quiet charm
but i just want to walk
through my life unarmed
to accept and just get by
like my father learned to do
but without all the acceptance and getting by
that got my father through

night falls like people into love
we generate our own light
to compensate
for the lack of light from above
every time we fight
a cold wind blows our way

but we learn like the trees
how to bend
how to sway and say

i, i think i understand
what all this fighting is for
and baby, i just want you to understand
that i'm not angry anymore
no, i'm not angry anymore

Ok Anger Just You & Me

This is the article from my last blog. Lets see how this goes.

 

What Is Anger Trying To Tell You About Your Life?

By Gabrielle Gawne-Kelnar
 (LOVE the Pic)
Anger. It’s got a pretty bad reputation. And we’re often told what to do with it: be careful with it. Suppress it. Vent it. Override it. It’s like anger’s some kind of volatile, toxic force to be harnessed or defused.
But maybe there’s another way of looking at it altogether.
Maybe you can actually learn from anger. Listen to it. See what it has to tell you. Get curious about it.
The sticker in the photo (above), in a cleverly vandalised train carriage I travelled in recently, has another suggestion for how to respond to anger:

“If anger is present
rove to another age”

So let’s take another look at anger for a moment.

When was the last time you felt angry? Well last night Seething. Really hot and bothered. Maybe you were even having those pretend conversations in your mind with the other person (your “enemy” for that moment), setting them straight with devastating wit or eloquence.
Remember that? Very Clearly
And now, instead of being drawn down into the detail of whatever lit your fury at the time, just try sort of stepping back for a second. See what happens if you ask yourself something like:

• What’s this anger trying to tell me? That I am completely overwhelmed and exhausted by this situation? And I am scared.
• Or what’s missing in this picture for me? A sense of feeling important, appreciated. A sense that my needs and feelings are AS important as the rest of my family, and a sense of safety. I think the 2 go hand in hand for me.
• What would resolve this for me – and why? To hear some supportive loving words, because I am working very hard to make sure EVERYONE else is making this transition as smoothly as possible, but no one sees that.
• What do I actually need right now? Love and support. A place to feel safe. No angry words.
• What’s this really about for me? For me it is often about not feeling validated, important, or seen. I really want Chuck to just see how hard I am trying and how much I am struggling right now.

And, as the sticker suggests, maybe another good query to ask is:
How old am I right now? What age do I feel inside?
For maybe your anger isn’t just about this one isolated event. Maybe it relates back to a specific incident, or a whole string of them, that you previously experienced. Or a pattern of some kind that started decades ago. Or maybe it’s simply exposing or tapping-into the vulnerability or hurt or lack of control you may have felt when you were young.
So what age are you in the heat of the moment? Hummmm...Last night I would have to say I did well and stayed in my 30's. Walking away and or tell Chuck to leave me alone rather than throwing a fit. Earlier this week I was clearly a 5 year old throwing a temper tantrum.
And what psychological or emotional age might put you in the best position to start resolving this problem? Would you be older? Younger? Younger Maybe it’s possible to consciously “rove to another age” and draw on things like your adult negotiating skills, your experience of self-soothing, and your fully-grown sense of agency and personal power. Or maybe you want to invite a younger sense of play. I need to have an inter sense of self importance and self love to draw from in moments when I feel others are paying me lip service. I will never be heard if I am screaming at the top of my lungs the way I will be heard if I am calm and patient. I need to feel like I am safe from angry, hurtful words, but I must also then stop using them myself. (easier said then done)
Of course, it can be a big ask to do any of this stuff in the heat of the moment. So it can also be worth coming back to that moment again later. To do some investigating after the fact. To practice.
So that next time anger’s upon you, you’ll have a better chance of really choosing your response – a response that brings you closer to resolving what hurt you in the first place – rather than just being captive to a knee-jerk reaction that often just keeps the damage going.
And maybe that’s another vital lesson which anger can remind us of – that we have choice. Right there, when all your buttons are being pushed, is exactly the time that something you really value is usually centre stage. So, in a way, anger is like a signpost, pointing directly to the moments, the values, that matter most to you. A signpost reminding you of your choices.
And, if you can learn to really see anger like that, with all its invitations and lessons, it’s actually a pretty amazing thing – at any age Pretty amazing way to look at it. In order to view anger in this way, I think you must first have a greater amount of mindfulness of emotion over all then what most people have. You must be able to KNOW your buttons are being pushed and begin to separate yourself from the emotion of the moment. Perhaps that is more possible the farther away from the angry moment you get, but i think most people automatically switch in to "old brain" or "fight or flight mode" when their values or safety is threatened. So how does one cope with that? How does one fight through that old brain thought pattern in order to start a new pattern? THAT is what I need to find now. Plus, everyone feels anger. Like I said I feel it is more what you DO with that anger that makes a difference in your life. So what is my release? How do I not let that angry build inside me?

Ok below are the texts I later sent to Chuck explaining the way I was truly feeling without the hurt and anger:
 I am not trying to fight here honestly
That is the last thing I want, but there is stuff going on with u that u can't see clearly right now
I am worried
U r not urself and maybe its the meds I don't know but
Remind me of an injured animal who is scared and lashing out trying to protect itself
I don't know how to keep myself together
It reminds me of the last time I ask u to go to your sister's and I am really scared
Really scared

So that was the truth. The truth is Chuck and I have been through A LOT and we have not always handled it well. Some times the Adderall makes him more aggressive, and some times my feelings get hurt by his straight forward nature. Sometimes his feelings get hurt by my sarcasm, and this has lead to some pretty explosive fights. And because I have been emotionally abused in the past, that is always where my mind goes. I am always fighting to make my importance known, and so is he, which makes us less visible to each other. Each of us willing to push just a little harder to get the other to notice, eventually someone pushes too hard. Each time that happens we ware away a little more trust, making the breaking point that much closer with each fight, and making it that much harder to back down, back up, and repair with each fight. So I guess the "sign" my anger was pointing to was self value and how I need to find some before I can expect to have value to others. I'm sorry Chuck. I hear you Honey.