Out of the Mouths of Babes

This week I learned something so important to me. All this time I have thought of myself a weak. Because of the depression. Because of my failed marriage. Because my current marriage is not very stable. Because of my anxiety. Because I am not always as assertive as I should be. Because I just don't think of myself as the Joan of Arc type, though I wish I were.

Well, this week that changed a little. This week had been really beating me up emotionally, as well as, physically.in the midst of that was my baby girl. My wise beyond her years, little wonder. She spotted me crying and immediately wanted to run to my side. Her grandmother said "your Momma is ok. Sometimes even grown-ups need to cry, but she's ok" and my daughter responded with "but you don't understand, Momma only cries when she is really hurt". At that moment I realized that, not only do I have the sweetest child on the planet, but that in her eyes I am strong. I am strong until I can no longer be strong, and even then I'm strong for a little longer. In her eyes, her Momma was not weak, not clinically depressed, but a strong woman. And if he Momma was crying, it was not for no reason, someone had hurt her.

Wow, what a wonderful feeling to not only feel how much your child loves you, but that she thinks you are strong enough to stand alone most of the time. To feel that to see me cry meant someone or something bad must have happened, because her strong Momma would not cry unless she was really hurt. Made me proud of myself, and proud of her. Out of the mouths of babes, as they say.

Advice from Ani

 I often use music as something to heal myself, or at least relate to during times of depression. One of my FAVORITE "angry chick" music (as my ex called it) comes from Ani Defranco. Lately, I have been needing some extra strength in dealing with my family, and out of nowhere Joyful Girl popped into my head. So I thought I'd share, via my blog, some Ani songs that are speaking to me right now.

Joyful Girl

"Joyful Girl"

i do it for the joy it brings
because i'm a joyful girl
because the world owes me nothing
and we owe each other the world
i do it because it's the least i can do
i do it because i learned it from you
i do it just because i want to
because I want to

everything i do is judged
and they mostly get it wrong
but oh well
'cuz the bathroom mirror has not budged
and the woman who lives there can tell
the truth from the stuff that they say
and she looks me in the eye
and says would you prefer the easy way?
no, well o.k. then
don't cry

and i wonder if everything i do
i do instead
of something i want to do more
the question fills my head
i know that there's no grand plan here
this is just the way it goes
and when everything else seems unclear
i guess at least i know

i do it for the joy it brings...

Present Infant

"Present/Infant"

Lately I've been glaring into mirrors picking myself apart
You'd think at my age I'd thought of something better to do
Than making insecurity into a full time job
Making insecurity into an art

And I fear my life will be over
And I will have never lived in unfettered
Always glaring into mirrors
Mad, I don't look better

But now here is this tiny baby
And they say she looks just like me
And she is smiling at me with that present infant glee
Yes, and I would defend to the ends of the earth
Her perfect right to be, be, be, be

So I'm beginning to see some problems
With the ongoing work of my mind
And I've got myself a new mantra
It says don't forget to have a good time
Don't let the sellers of stuff power enough to rob you of your grace

Love is all over the place
There's nothing wrong with your face
Love is all over the place
There's nothing wrong with your face

 

Angry Anymore

 

"Angry Anymore"

growing up it was just me and my mom
against the world
and all my sympathies were with her
when i was a little girl
but now i've seen both my parents
play out the hands they were dealt
and as each year goes by
i know more about how my father must have felt

i just want you to understand
that i know what all the fighting was for
and i just want you to understand
that i'm not angry anymore
i'm not angry anymore

she taught me how to wage a cold war
with quiet charm
but i just want to walk
through my life unarmed
to accept and just get by
like my father learned to do
but without all the acceptance and getting by
that got my father through

night falls like people into love
we generate our own light
to compensate
for the lack of light from above
every time we fight
a cold wind blows our way

but we learn like the trees
how to bend
how to sway and say

i, i think i understand
what all this fighting is for
and baby, i just want you to understand
that i'm not angry anymore
no, i'm not angry anymore

What is "normal"?

This week, at counseling we spent a lot of time on normal, and what is normal. Is it normal to get upset when people move my things? Is my definition of love normal? Is my relationship with my family normal? Is it normal to feel this angry with my ex husband? What is normal, exactly?

Dictionary.com defines normal as:
normal nor·mal
- adjective 1. of standard type; usual - noun 2. the standard or average - Related Forms un·nor·mal - adjective un·nor·mal·ly - adverb un·nor·mal·ness - noun nor·mal·ize - verb

[nawr-muhl]

Origin: 1520–30; < L normālis made according to a carpenter's square

A standard type, usual, average. When you are talking about behavior, or thought process, it is hard to define what is standard, usual, or average. Many of us know what normal behavior is for us as individuals. As in "I don't normally do that". But how do you define usual for others? So much of what we view as "normal" or "acceptable" is defined by your experiences and individual beliefs. For example, in my family, we have large family gatherings, many of which you are expected to attend unless you live on the other side of the country, or are on deaths door. My friends from smaller, or less close families do not understand the this dynamic, and do not see the urgency to attend these events. Does that mean either of us is abnormal, or wrong? No. We are simple from different backgrounds, with different life styles, different circumstances. Yet, it seems so easy for so many people to define abnormal, or crazy. Worse yet, we (or at least I) all too often, view ourselves (or myself) through the lens of someone else's "normal".  That person maybe a parent, a spouse, a friend, or just an image that we have created in our minds based on what we read, see on TV, in magazines, or online. Allowing yourself to be defined by other's ideas of what is the norm, can make "normal" seem unobtainable.

I have allowed myself to be defined by other people's definitions of abnormal and crazy for so long, that I fine myself constantly wondering what normal is. For as long as I can remember, I have been striving to be "normal" and accepted. Since the first panic attack, since the first therapy session, since the first med, since the first diagnosis of mental illness, I have seen myself as broken. So much so, that I seem to have lost track of what is just me being me, and what is a symptom of a larger problem. I have lost the line between quirk and illness. Constantly evaluating, often rather harshly, my own behaviors, and thoughts, to try to figure out if they are "normal" or if they are distorted. Trying to define, in my own mind, what "normal" is and desperately wanting to achieve it. The strangest, saddest part is, that reading the definition of normal from above, I have no desire to be average, usual, or standard. Perhaps I need to remind myself that the next time I find myself longing to be seen as "normal". I saw a Facebook status once that said "Normal is just a setting on a washer." Dictionary.com says it originated as from the word normalis, meaning made by a carpenter's square. Maybe we should have left it at that.

What's are your feelings on normal verses abnormal, illness verses quirks? I'd love some input.