Out of the Mouths of Babes

This week I learned something so important to me. All this time I have thought of myself a weak. Because of the depression. Because of my failed marriage. Because my current marriage is not very stable. Because of my anxiety. Because I am not always as assertive as I should be. Because I just don't think of myself as the Joan of Arc type, though I wish I were.

Well, this week that changed a little. This week had been really beating me up emotionally, as well as, physically.in the midst of that was my baby girl. My wise beyond her years, little wonder. She spotted me crying and immediately wanted to run to my side. Her grandmother said "your Momma is ok. Sometimes even grown-ups need to cry, but she's ok" and my daughter responded with "but you don't understand, Momma only cries when she is really hurt". At that moment I realized that, not only do I have the sweetest child on the planet, but that in her eyes I am strong. I am strong until I can no longer be strong, and even then I'm strong for a little longer. In her eyes, her Momma was not weak, not clinically depressed, but a strong woman. And if he Momma was crying, it was not for no reason, someone had hurt her.

Wow, what a wonderful feeling to not only feel how much your child loves you, but that she thinks you are strong enough to stand alone most of the time. To feel that to see me cry meant someone or something bad must have happened, because her strong Momma would not cry unless she was really hurt. Made me proud of myself, and proud of her. Out of the mouths of babes, as they say.

Love Thyself, Honor Thyself

I used to look in the mirror and see shapes, colors, good hair days, bad hair days, flaw, flaw, flaw. Now, I am 36, and I see myself more clearly than before. Not in a book smart way, or a scientifically accurate way, but in the sense that I have come to know ME.Some people claim that we are born with basic personality traits. Others, believe we become who we are based on experiences we have in our lives.Still others, believe we are born with traits that are switched on or off based on our personal experiences. No matter how you get there,shouldn't we KNOW what makes us, us? I think we do, but we allow ourselves to be lead astray by self-doubt,and the words of others. At what point did this happen? At what point did my voice become confused, mixed, over powered by the voices of others? At what point did I become what others thought of me, instead of who I wanted to be? When was that moment. Maybe it wasn't a moment at all. Maybe, I was worn away over time, like stone worn down by wind and rain. Reworked, and reshaped, by the elements around it until it only partly resembled its original appearance. Maybe, I too was reshaped by the voices and the elements around me until slowly, without realizing it I lost me. Now, years later, I am found. I no longer see what the mirror reflects back to me, but I see value in the uniqueness of then shapes. I see shades in the colors. I see good hair days, bad hair days, fun hair days, and days when what my hair is doing just doesn't matter. The flaws are still there. I still see them, but I also see good. I see strength, resilience, and power. Lines formed from years of laughter and tears. The voices, the elements, they are still all around me. They still creep into my head. Echo in the canyons of my mind. Trying to change my shape, challenge my shape. At times, I feel them beginning to alter me, and I must look deep within myself. If I close my eyes, quiet my mind, and repeat to myself "Love thyself, honor thyself”. Then, then the voices become whispers on a much gentler breeze, and I remember me.

Am I Angry...or am I Growing?

Once you become a grown up, you kinda get that life isn't always fair...or at least you should. Also, as an adult you can of except that, right? I mean most days I am ok with it. My life is not perfect, but I have a lot to be thankful for too. Lately, though...not so much. I have been having a rough week...errr month...ummm...let's say year, and frankly I am start to reach my limit. I am really, really angry, and frankly I know there is not a damn thing I can do about it, but vent. In the last year Chuck and I have both lost jobs, we have both had loved ones die, I have been hospitalized and had to have surgery. We have had battles with each other, exes, with my family, and several emergencies/ major dramas involving his daughter. WTH? What have I done to deserve all of this? I am a good person. I try to be goood to others. I work hard. I would move mountains for my family, and espcially my child. I am honest, and kind, socially minded, compassionate. Yet it just continues to build. I believe strongly that everything happens for a reason, and that the greatest amount of growth comes out of the biggest challenges, but yow! How much did I need to learn/ grow? I once heard a person on the radio talking about his belief in God. He explained that we all assume God put us here to find happiness and fulfillment, but what if that's not true? What if God put us here to learn from each other, to grow as individuals, and as a species? And when do we grow the most? Is it when you are happy and fulfilled? No. It is often when you are facing adversity. I often remember that when I am feeling especially angry, tired, overwhelmed, or hopeless. It helps me to look at the bigger picture instead of that moment of pain. Lately, I think I have been forgetting that. The moment of pain is becoming one day of crisis after another and it is hard to see beyond that. Then it becomes easy to begin to loose hope, easy to start to point fingers at those around me, and even easier to beat myself up. Angry is a legitimate feeling. Something we all experience, but it is also something that can distroy you slowly, if you allow it too. I am bigger than that! I am better than that! I am alright with the fact that I get angry. It can help motivate change, but I can not let it consume who I am. I will focus on finding real,proactive ways to deal with it. I am going to choose to believe that this" string of bad luck" shall we say, is just a path to something bigger than I am able to see right now. I will continue to have faith in what is meant to be.