Don't Rain On My Parade

Today's elephant is self-esteem. Not just our own, but other people's and how it affects us and our daily lives. I am not one of those people who is able to tune out other people's negativity out. I wish I were, but I find more often it cuts right through me. Take yesterday as an example, I was in a pretty good mood. Having an ok kind of a day. Then near the end of the day, one person, who was apparently have a worse day, decided to share with me. I did react with "that was just rude" which was met with more nasty comments, and in a mater of 2 minutes time my whole mood and outlook had changed. My fiance has read about Highly Sensitive People http://www.hsperson.com/ and wonders if I may be in that camp. Either way, yesterdays encounter though only about 5 minutes in total length left me in a bad mood and feeling bad about myself for hours after. I know logically that everyone has their own issues, and while it is not right to take them out on others, it is not anything personal toward me. Yet when it comes from someone you are close to, and is about your appearance, inelegance, or life it is hard NOT to take it personally. So how do you not let it ruin your day? How do you not let someone who's personal self-esteem or mental state is unstable take you down when they lash out at you in a personal or abusive way? Is it simply a mater of having enough self-esteem stored up to withstand the blow?

Currently, my fiance (who we will call Chuck) has been laid off. His job is something he has struggled with since we met. It is also, as with most men, a major source of his self-esteem. I know he often worries that he has let me down, that he is not contributing enough to our family. He feels badly that he did not finish his degree, and he is angry with himself sometimes for not "living up to his potential". He feels depressed being home all day long while I am at work. As a couple we struggle with all these things, in addition to the stress that a dip in his income has caused. About a month ago we started couple's counseling to help us communicate about and deal with these issues. Feeling "not good enough" is a constant struggle for us both. It makes us defensive, depressed, and extra sensitive, making it harder to communicate. It often seems to cause us to pull away from each other at a time when we need to be supporting each other. One of my former counselors once told me that each person has an emotional bank account. When yours is empty it makes it impossible for you to make withdraws from it in order to make deposits in someone else's account. A new twist on the old you can't love someone else, until you love yourself. But what if the person you are dealing with is unaware that their bank account is low, or even that they are making you feel bad? On the flip side, sometimes overdrawing your account slightly can have big returns. This morning, knowing I had felt especially bad last night, and that I have been struggling with the fact that I recently gained weight, Chuck gave me a hug and told me how pretty I look today. It improved my mood and made me feel ok with myself. In return, I am now able to be more loving and supportive toward him through out the day. Instead of being introverted and depressed all day.