Tonight is an especially hard night. I had a bad day at work, also a busy and exhausting day. All I wanted to do was come home to my happy little family, or at least what I thought was my happy little family. When I got home Chuck had cleaned up and had dinner made. My daughter ran out to meet me in the driveway with a hug. It seemed like just the retreat from my crazy day that I was needed. But then the tide turned and my daughter started acting crazy and testing my nerves. As soon as I got her to bed and came downstairs to finally spend some time with Chuck, the thing I was looking forward to all day, he starts in on me about the house and the dogs. Seemed as though he had been storing it up all evening...of course I get pissed and throw a loose my temper, because frankly that is what I do best. all said and done, I feel horrible and I am alone. crying.
I am thinking about my old habits of cutting, but knowing that is not an option I just crying and hoping the sleeping meds kick in soon.
The truth is I kinda saw this coming. Chuck is home a lot now that he is not working, our house is less than organized and the animals are a handful. It is hard to take care of a house, pets, dinner, and help raise a child. Lots of stay at home moms and dads will tell you that. It is normal to feel burnt out or just flat out get tired of taking care of everyone. I try to tell him over and over how grateful I am, but I know from experience, some times even that doesn't help. Likewise, it is hard to work all day then come home to all the needs of the house and family. There is a lot of pressure to make the small family company I work for...well, work. Since it is our only income currently.
Meanwhile, I have felt myself feeling less and less stable as of late. I have rages. They generally happen when I have tried all my coping mechanisms without results, and/or I am totally overwhelmed and tired (ie- my tool bag is empty). Currently, I feel all of the above. I feel myself ready to fly off the handle at any given moment. I am also finding myself feeling increasingly depressed. It is like I see the tailspin coming, but I can't seem to pull out of it. The fighting is increasing with Chuck, and my normal calm mothering style is more erratic. There is more yelling over all and it makes me feel like a horrible partner and mom. How can I expect to raise a happy healthy kid if I can't deal with my own emotions? It breaks my heart, and makes me feel more helpless and weak. What do I do? How do I regain control of my own emotional well being? I have counseling on Friday. I hope to be able to get a plan together. So far it seems all she has been able to do is help me through one crisis after another. I am tired of crisi and constant drama! Where is my little slice of happy? My mental illness makes me feel weak and cazy in the most negative sense of the word. I hope that someone is ready this blog, and I hope it is someone like me. Someone, who will suddenly feel less alone, less weak, less crazy. And even if not, I am thankful to have this blog as an outlet tonight. I way to deal with my pain that makes me feel braver & stronger.
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