Buffering

While it's always nice to be needed, it occasionally becomes overwhelming. Sometimes it feels as though I am talked AT ALL DAY LONG instead of talking TO me. From, work, to the bus stop to home, from the boss (aka father) to the kids, to the man, to the dogs somebody needs/ wants something, even if that something is really nothing except their own entertainment. It is hard to find a place of your own, or the space for your own thoughts some days. I find, increasingly, that if I have quiet time, I am able to maintain a quiet mind. If there is constant commotion around me then there is commotion in my mind. The higher my stress level climbs the more I become flustered, anxious, confused, and forgetful. I think the same is true of most people, but I find it exceedingly true for those of us with mental disorders. The need for schedule, lists, consistency and patterns also increase for me to function. Without them even my speach becomes broken. I used to wonder if I was "flighty" or "dumb" because I would forget obvious things and overlook details that seemed plain to others, but it was more often that I was rushed, my regular routine was interrupted, I was overly tired, or especially stressed. More and more I need time, time for me, time to decompress, collect my thoughts. Not because I am unintelligent, but because I am thoughtful, creative, and processed. Without time and quiet I can not complete a thought. Things get spotty and I begin to be creative where I should not be. I begin to magnify things, think illogically, from there it snowballs. The less time I have to think things through clearly, the more irrational I become, until I reach my breaking point (which usually entails crying, screaming, throwing things...you get the picture I think) However, I find taking even 15 minutes to clear my mind makes able to deal with even the big things, like for example being handed a 4 year old without warning. Writing this blog also allows me to collect my thoughts, purge. Them to a degree and look at life again in a new light. Knowing and practicing these simple acts is allowing me to keep myself stable during a very unstable point in my life. I only wish I had learned some of this sooner and been able to save myself some stuggles, and lessened my need for medications, self distruction, and negative self esteem. But with every experience, with every challenge comes a new chance for knowledge, a new chance for growth. A new chance to know yourself a little better, to become a little stronger