When Super Mom Looses Her Secret Identity

Image by Ron Barrett via NYTimes.com

Anyone who has had a new born knows how it feels. You go from working girls, party girl, sexy, fun, funny, hair done, nice clothes, to maternity pants when the new born is 4 months old, exhausted, with some level of postpartum, and none of that really seems to matter because ALL people see any more is the new baby. You seem to have to no longer exist, other than at 4AM when there are dirty diapers to change, or hungry bellies to fill. After....about....4 years, I FINALLY got my groove back! I got all my meds adjusted down, I had lost the baby weight, I was now a single mom, but I was doing my own thing and feeling good about it. I started dating, met the love of my life, don't get me wrong it was not all a bed of roses. I had quite a number of dark days, but over all I was ME again. I had an identity outside of my daughter and my house, but I was still being recognized as a DAMN good mom. (YAY! Go me! Right?) Then about two weeks ago we get handed a 4 year old. Hold on a sec, what just happened? Of course she is Chuck's daughter, and she was in really bad place so there was no hesitation on our part as to if she would come to live with us or not. She was coming-period. Since then there have been a TON of ups and downs getting all of us adjusted, but over all, it has gone exceptionally well. In part, I believe, because I am through and through a kid person. I love children. I relate to children. I am GOOD with children. Chuck knew and saw this fact almost immediately after we met, and both of us being very family focused our kids and our family became the foundation for our relationship. This was what made us happy. So once his daughter moved in I of course put on my super mom uniform right away! We started making sure my daughter had everything she needed. I started looking for support from friends and family. Getting information on case workers, children's therapy, anything to help Chuck's (and now my) little girl. With in weeks we had services researched, we had clothes for her, toys, a new bed, and she and I have a strong bond. Sounds awesome, right? Well, it is, and Chuck tells me daily that I am a wonderful mother, that he is so grateful to me for all I do for our family, and that is above all, my biggest priority. Laaaaately, though....I have been kinda missing me. I remember feeling strong, and sexy, and funny, and deep (at least deeper than "Well, what should Elmo have told Zoe instead of No that's my toy and you can't have it"?) I miss me. I miss Chuck seeing me as more than a "great mom". I know he does, but as anyone with a new child in the house knows, for awhile life becomes engulfed by that new child's needs. But you must not let their needs replace yours. You can not take care of others if you are not taking care of yourself, and as parents you can not build a strong family, if you are not a strong couple. Right before all of this I had begun to draw again, and I was LOVING it. Now I have not had the time, nor have I wanted to take the chance of the kids getting into my art supplies and getting charcoal all over the house. Chuck and I were walking. It was some nice time for us to be together and release some stress. Time has made that harder. I used to get my hair colored and cut every few months and occasionally splurge on a pedicure. Now there seems like so many more important things to do with that money. We talked about being in love, getting married finally, even the possibility of another baby, recently all we talk about is the kids, the ex, custody, services...I am very sarcastic and funny. Lately, the subject matter is always so serious that my normal coping through joking seems inappropriate. I remember going through these same feelings when my daughter was born, so I know it will even out eventually. For now, however....ahhhhhh I am excellent with kids and a super mom if ever there was one....oh and I USED TO BE funny, artsy, sexy, sassy, smart, and cute.