To Ben and Jerry's or NOT to Ben and Jerry's

Let's just put it out there, right out in the open. I am having a bit of trouble dealing with my current stress level, and in an attempt to lessen the spinning in my brain I find myself doing things I would have otherwise had more self control over. Like for example, I don't drink much maybe a few drinks every two weeks or so. Though recently I have noticed that when I do drink, it is a few more drinks than usual. A few weekends ago not only did I have a few more drinks than usual, but I also had my first cigarette in like 10 years. Just one, and it took me like 4 days to erase the taste from my mouth, but I had refused to allow myself even one for years out of fear that would start me down a slippery slope. Thankfully it did not, and of course my no, or limited coffee intake....RIGHT out the window! I am averaging 3 or more cups a day. Clearly not helpful in the shaking, panic attack anxiety arena, but I am so exhausted I truly need something to keep from passing out at my desk. The big thing that I am struggling with, the thing that I KNOW is the biggest issue for me personally, is... stress eating!

Body image and eating in general. I seem to be on a continuous pendulum of guilt. I feel fat, unattractive, run down. I start to get down and I stop eating. After a bit of that the low blood sugar, all the caffeine, and stress in general start to kick in and I begin to get light headed, shaky, and I begin to feel like I am STARVING. After going 12 hour stretches with no, or limited food, even the convenience store seems like a festival of edible delights! Candy, cookies, sandwiches, chips, I briefly eye some fresh strawberries, but decide that I have gotten enough food (none with ANY nutritional value) and move on, but not without also getting more coffee. Then I eat EVERYTHING. All the food I bought myself, the cookie I bought Chuck, AND the cookie I bought my new "step" daughter. (She didn't eat well and was told by her daddy that she did not get a cookie. So I ate it for her.) I think at the time that I am eating ENTIRELY too much, but I justify it. In my head I tell myself, well you have been really stressed out lately. Plus, you may have PMS. It's ok. But later, I feel awful about all of it.  I have to get ready for an event with my daughter's school and I find myself hating my hair, my body, my skin, my make-up...pretty much the whole picture. Again I tell myself that I am being hyper sensative, hyper critical of myself because my depression and anxiety levels are on the rise. And so I swing, holding on to the guilt pendulum as for dear life. Stuck between candy bars and my "fat pants". I decide to make today's blog about stress and the other excuses we use to allow ourselves to treat our bodies poorly.

So I Google stress eating and what I get is a pile of images of people looking forlorn about their situation, most of them skinnier than I am, several diet books and about a hundred images of really fatty, rich, greasy food, and I think YIKES, no wonder I feel all mixed up and guilty. So what's a girl to do? Clearly, the good affects of eating the ice cream and chips is short term, not to mention not helping me to stablize my mood by keeping my blood suger and guilt levels bouncing all over the map. But when I am in the middle of dealing with a work crisis, or dealing with a screaming 4 year old who does not stand why she is suddenly living in a whole new area and house with new (or in her case some) rules to follow, that cady bar seems like something abtainable, while 10 minutes of quiet menditation seems completely out of reach. And exercise, which was helping both Chuck and me stay on top of our depression and anxiety, seems like such a luxury at this point. I am hopeful that we will all settle in and that we can begin to funtion in a healthier way once that happens, but what do we do until that? How do I get myself off this horrible ride that I know is not doing much good for my mental OR physical health. Or do I just ride it and deal with the fatness when I am able to? Chuck keeps joking that I did just have a 4 year old, and that should take it easy on myself. Probably I should take it easier on myself, but I just don't know how to get myself to do that right now.