To Ben and Jerry's or NOT to Ben and Jerry's

Let's just put it out there, right out in the open. I am having a bit of trouble dealing with my current stress level, and in an attempt to lessen the spinning in my brain I find myself doing things I would have otherwise had more self control over. Like for example, I don't drink much maybe a few drinks every two weeks or so. Though recently I have noticed that when I do drink, it is a few more drinks than usual. A few weekends ago not only did I have a few more drinks than usual, but I also had my first cigarette in like 10 years. Just one, and it took me like 4 days to erase the taste from my mouth, but I had refused to allow myself even one for years out of fear that would start me down a slippery slope. Thankfully it did not, and of course my no, or limited coffee intake....RIGHT out the window! I am averaging 3 or more cups a day. Clearly not helpful in the shaking, panic attack anxiety arena, but I am so exhausted I truly need something to keep from passing out at my desk. The big thing that I am struggling with, the thing that I KNOW is the biggest issue for me personally, is... stress eating!

Body image and eating in general. I seem to be on a continuous pendulum of guilt. I feel fat, unattractive, run down. I start to get down and I stop eating. After a bit of that the low blood sugar, all the caffeine, and stress in general start to kick in and I begin to get light headed, shaky, and I begin to feel like I am STARVING. After going 12 hour stretches with no, or limited food, even the convenience store seems like a festival of edible delights! Candy, cookies, sandwiches, chips, I briefly eye some fresh strawberries, but decide that I have gotten enough food (none with ANY nutritional value) and move on, but not without also getting more coffee. Then I eat EVERYTHING. All the food I bought myself, the cookie I bought Chuck, AND the cookie I bought my new "step" daughter. (She didn't eat well and was told by her daddy that she did not get a cookie. So I ate it for her.) I think at the time that I am eating ENTIRELY too much, but I justify it. In my head I tell myself, well you have been really stressed out lately. Plus, you may have PMS. It's ok. But later, I feel awful about all of it.  I have to get ready for an event with my daughter's school and I find myself hating my hair, my body, my skin, my make-up...pretty much the whole picture. Again I tell myself that I am being hyper sensative, hyper critical of myself because my depression and anxiety levels are on the rise. And so I swing, holding on to the guilt pendulum as for dear life. Stuck between candy bars and my "fat pants". I decide to make today's blog about stress and the other excuses we use to allow ourselves to treat our bodies poorly.

So I Google stress eating and what I get is a pile of images of people looking forlorn about their situation, most of them skinnier than I am, several diet books and about a hundred images of really fatty, rich, greasy food, and I think YIKES, no wonder I feel all mixed up and guilty. So what's a girl to do? Clearly, the good affects of eating the ice cream and chips is short term, not to mention not helping me to stablize my mood by keeping my blood suger and guilt levels bouncing all over the map. But when I am in the middle of dealing with a work crisis, or dealing with a screaming 4 year old who does not stand why she is suddenly living in a whole new area and house with new (or in her case some) rules to follow, that cady bar seems like something abtainable, while 10 minutes of quiet menditation seems completely out of reach. And exercise, which was helping both Chuck and me stay on top of our depression and anxiety, seems like such a luxury at this point. I am hopeful that we will all settle in and that we can begin to funtion in a healthier way once that happens, but what do we do until that? How do I get myself off this horrible ride that I know is not doing much good for my mental OR physical health. Or do I just ride it and deal with the fatness when I am able to? Chuck keeps joking that I did just have a 4 year old, and that should take it easy on myself. Probably I should take it easier on myself, but I just don't know how to get myself to do that right now.



Does this Mood Make Me Look Fat?

Folding Chair-I've got a perfect body, but sometimes I forget
I've got a perfect body, 'cause my eyelashes catch my sweat
yes they do
They do

Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh-ooh
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

Present/Infant-
lately i've been glaring into mirrors
picking myself apart
you'd think at my age
i'd of thought of something better to do
then make insecurity into a full time job
make insecurity into an art
(yea and i) fear my life will be over
(and i) will have never lived it unfeathered
always glaring into mirrors
mad i don't look better
now here's this tiny baby
and they say she looks just like me
and she is smiling at me
with that present infant glee
yes and i would defend to the ends of the earth
her perfect right to be, (be, be, be)
so i'm begining to see some problems
with the ongoing work of my mind
and i've got myself a new mantra
it says "don't forget to have a good time"
don't let the sellers of stuff
have power enough
to rob you of your grace
love is all over the place
there's nothing wrong with your face
love is all over the place
there's nothing wrong with your face
lately i've been glaring into mirrors
picking myself apart

Ahhhhhh Regina, Ani you are wise, wise women! Why is it then that SO many educated, intelligent, modern, BEAUTIFUL women still doubt there physical attractiveness? A loaded question I know, with no simple answer, but as a mother of a beautiful, warm, charismatic little girl I find I am constantly looking for the answer. I am currently reading  Cinderella Ate My Daughter (a recommended read for all moms of girls I must say!) and it is amazing the lengths the world of marketing goes to to enforce the picture perfect, princess image to our girls, but in keeping with the idea of how our metal "defects" affect our families I would like to look at this tissue on a more personal level, a more fundamental level, a level we have a very real amount of control over. That is, what messages do we as moms send our children about weight and appearance? I grew up in an environment that was very focused on appearance, physical appearance and social appearance. What people thought of us as a family and as individuals was considered to be of utmost importance! What people thought of us as children was considered to be a DIRECT reflection of the type of family and parents we had. Embarrassing my parents was considered to be the worst insult a child could bestow on them. My mother made sure we were dressed in clothes that were better than we could afford, our hair was ALWAYS done, and smiles were on our faces. Let me just say, that's a lotta pressure on a kid. Of course, to be fair, she put the same amount of pressure on herself to be equally as perfect looking. Every weight gain (ours or hers) was noted, sometimes subtly, sometimes not. I know this was something that my sister and I carried into our teenage and adult lives. It is still something we talk about. It is evident when ever there is a family crisis, or a big family event, my sister and I will spend hours talking about, debating, and trying on clothes and shoes. We will then talk jewelry, hair, and make-up and totally ignore the emotional part of whatever event we are about to attend. Then we openly, and sometimes harshly criticize each other's clothes, hair, shoes, adding to the pressure to "get it right".

Later in life this has translated for me into some body image distortions. I went through a time where I had some major emotional issues, and I felt out of control. What I could control, however, was what and how much I ate. It felt good to me to have the will power to not eat. People noticed how much weight I was loosing and commented on it. I knew it was unhealthy, but let's face it, the focus in our society is not to be healthy, but to be SKINNY! Perfectly, controllable skinny! 96 pounds skinny in fact. I was able to over come this to a degree with the help of my counselor. However, I still struggle with my body. The anti-depressant I take has made me gain weight recently, and I am miserable about it. Add to that the stretch marks from pregnancy, and scaring from 2 separate laparoscopic surgeries and you have a bad mix for someone who already wasn't happy with their body. Getting dressed is a constant struggle. Pictures are not something I care to deal with EVER, and special occasions make me hyper ventilate. Special occasions mean pictures AND stress about what I am wearing and how it fits! It affects my mood, my sex drive, my self confidence, to say nothing of my desire to be seen in a swim suit. Then I feel anxious and depressed, which makes me wanna eat, which makes me feel bad, which makes me wanna eat...

I try not to dwell on it or talk about it to much in front of my daughter, but it is hard. I am sure she picks up on the 7 outfit changes, and all the fussing when I am getting ready. Which is a whole nother blog in, and of itself.  So there ya have it, tomorrows entry. How do we stop the cycle of hating our appearance when it is so deeply ingrained in our society, our gender, and our families?