My Top 5 Gripes (This Week)

Madam Bipolar has started Grumble Sunday, and being the glass half empty kinda gal that I am, I have decided to jump right on board. Since life has been...well...complicated recently, instead of going into a big explanation of my life's crappiness I will do a top five list of this weeks gripes.

#5 Chuck (the fiance) not only seems unable to put the lid back on the toothpaste, the milk, the aspirin, and so on, but he also then LOOSES the lids so that NO ONE can close them. I find lids and bottle caps in all his pockets and laying all over the house. How can you put milk away and NOT realize the lid is off and how hard is it to twist a small piece of plastic 3x with your fingers? (Yeesh!)

#4 Chuck wants to get rid of our pug mix. Yes, yes, I know he snorts, and wheezes and whines. And we call him the piddler since his previous owners left him with his "manhood" so he now pees on everything he deems as "his". And he is quite obviously dumb as a rock. I am aware we also have 2 kids and an increasing issues with our geriatric mess of an other dog. All that considered, I am still super attached to him. He is, after all, freakin hysterical (see attached pictures), and the best damn puggler in the house (he will puggle on my lap for hours. The fact that he is a pug mix gives us (ok me) hour of entertainment making up words to mix with pug, like pugtastic, pugtacular, puggle, pugly...Also, he is great with the kids, and frankly, I just like him, a lot and he makes me happy!

#3 I am currently wasting hours, and hours of my life waiting for doctors and test results, only to still have no diagnosis. Hours in waiting rooms, one whole flipping day at the ER, hours in exam rooms, hours waiting on techs to look at my test results, oh and about 15-20 with actual doctors. Yes, I know you are saving lives, bu for the love of Godzilla, my 2 kids and 2 dogs are not going to feed themselves. Then I get home and Chuck says "What the hell took you so long? It's been 2 hours." I want to tell him "The appointment itself only took like 1/2 an hour, but I have gotten behind on my daytime tv so I stayed on the waiting room another hour and 1/2 to catch up on All My Children and Judy Judy." I don' know why it took 2 hours it's the doctor's office that's just how it works.

#2 is another grumlbe related to my recent health issues. One word: referrals! Each new doctor, each new test the insurance company has to pre-approve and give a referral number for. REALLY? I mean REALLY? He same doctor can't run more than 1 test without a new number? Needless to say, I am in the beginning of week 3 of tests and week 4 of pain, waiting on referral # I don't know I lost track, for doctor #2 of 3 (4 if you count the ER doc) for test number 7 (ish) annnnnddddd n answers. Last test said maybe I have a "lazy stomach". WTF, a lazy stomach? Perhaps if I weren't taking so many medications to control the damn pain, my stomach would be so slow. Lord knows the rest of me has been walking around in drug induced haze for the last few weeks! I'm just sayin'.

#1 And my #1 grumble is my kids! Holy case of the cranky pants Batman!!!! It was fuss after fuss, whine after whine, tear filled moment after tear filled moment! My step-daughter is having the worsted week. To the point where Chuck is ready to snap, and my daughter has a cold so she is cranky and clingy. Chuck's daughter is always clingy, and with him just over it and me sick you can imagine patients is wearing thin. Hope we are all healthy again soon or people in China may hear my head explode over here in the US of A!

Oh and a bonus gripe. I have spent a week or 2 trying to figure out why my phone had stopped typing. I have DROID2 with the keyboard or touch screen option. Neither would let me type more than 1 word at a time before closing a screen. One day in the middle of a blog it just stopped. Turns out if I turn off the auto fill option, it works fine. Who needs a phone who tries to complete your sentences anyway? I mean I get enough of that from Chuck. ;o)

Just Us

<p>As much as I want to be educated about my mental health, Chuck's mental health, the girl's mental health, and how all of it effects our family, some days I just want to forget any of us have an issues. Not that I want to ignore problems, more that I want to just be us, in whatever form that takes. We are constantly talking about it in our house. There are regular counseling, psych doc appointments, article reading...It wears on me. Right now I am having issues with my physical health also, which makes me even more worn down. I feel frustrated, and like it would be nice to just be a "normal" family. Just for a night, or a day. To not have to talk about meds, behavior, moods, and just be us. I think it would be nice for us all. No reading, no analyzing, no talking about what's "wrong" with us. Just spending time together, enjoying each other, and having fun.

Unexpected

So yesterday the call came, The call we have been both dreading and hoping for. Child services was at Chuck's ex's apartment and called to say that he needed to come get his daughter or she would go to into foster care. Her mother was going to "take care of some of her problems." and her half brother has enough psychological issues at less than 10 years of age, that he has been hospitalized three times now. So with as little as 1 hours warning, I have a new 4 year old (almost) step-daughter living with me. I have been joking that we are a Maxwell House family (instant) but inside I am scared to death. My new daughter is on Seriquil and receives in home therapy from the state. It has been speculated that she is on the autism spectrum. Though her father and I suspect that the issues were more environmental than developmental. We are currently making arrangements to get her re-evaluated. I really want to change her life for the better, but I am worried that we won't be able to. We are in the process of turning the play room into her first room, and getting her first bed. For 2 years now she has slept, with her mother, on a mattress on the living room floor, or on a couch. Her whole little world has been flipped on its head, and yet she is amazingly happy, and calm about it. My daughter too has been amazingly accepting and resilient in this situation, granted it is only day 2, but still. Chuck and I have been freaking out! Of course, that is our jobs as parents. Which, I guess, is why MY mother is freaking out. She is being less than supportive about the whole situation. She is scared about how Chuck's daughter, and her unstable mother, may affect my daughter. Of course I am too, but I have thought all of that through already. As I stated in my I Am OK With My Elephant post, I AM capable of taking care of myself and my daughter. I am able to deal with difficult situations. I am strong, I am smart, and I have depression. I am treated and I am not afraid to ask for help. In fact, both Chuck and I have been overwhelmed by the out pouring of support and help that my friends have offered since journey started a few weeks ago. My counselor has been instrumental in helping me keep my head together and even helped Chuck look for a new counselor for himself. My friends have called and messaged me to make sure we are ok. One friend gave me a whole pep-talk about how this was my chance to change this little girl's life and make a real difference. He told me how he thought I was a great mom and how this little girl REALLY needs people to love her right now. My cousin has been helping me negotiate the world of kids on the spectrum, and all the agencies that can help us. Another friend gave us a bed, and is lending us some clothes. My co-worker's mother wants to make both girls a quilt for their rooms. It is truly touching, and it gives me hope that we will be truly be able to make lemonade, for us and for this little girl. After all it is not her fault that all of this has happened. She deserves someone to do right by her. She deserves to be some one's priority. She deserves some stability, and some unconditional love. I hope we can do that for her. 

Does this Mood Make Me Look Fat?

Folding Chair-I've got a perfect body, but sometimes I forget
I've got a perfect body, 'cause my eyelashes catch my sweat
yes they do
They do

Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh-ooh
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

Present/Infant-
lately i've been glaring into mirrors
picking myself apart
you'd think at my age
i'd of thought of something better to do
then make insecurity into a full time job
make insecurity into an art
(yea and i) fear my life will be over
(and i) will have never lived it unfeathered
always glaring into mirrors
mad i don't look better
now here's this tiny baby
and they say she looks just like me
and she is smiling at me
with that present infant glee
yes and i would defend to the ends of the earth
her perfect right to be, (be, be, be)
so i'm begining to see some problems
with the ongoing work of my mind
and i've got myself a new mantra
it says "don't forget to have a good time"
don't let the sellers of stuff
have power enough
to rob you of your grace
love is all over the place
there's nothing wrong with your face
love is all over the place
there's nothing wrong with your face
lately i've been glaring into mirrors
picking myself apart

Ahhhhhh Regina, Ani you are wise, wise women! Why is it then that SO many educated, intelligent, modern, BEAUTIFUL women still doubt there physical attractiveness? A loaded question I know, with no simple answer, but as a mother of a beautiful, warm, charismatic little girl I find I am constantly looking for the answer. I am currently reading  Cinderella Ate My Daughter (a recommended read for all moms of girls I must say!) and it is amazing the lengths the world of marketing goes to to enforce the picture perfect, princess image to our girls, but in keeping with the idea of how our metal "defects" affect our families I would like to look at this tissue on a more personal level, a more fundamental level, a level we have a very real amount of control over. That is, what messages do we as moms send our children about weight and appearance? I grew up in an environment that was very focused on appearance, physical appearance and social appearance. What people thought of us as a family and as individuals was considered to be of utmost importance! What people thought of us as children was considered to be a DIRECT reflection of the type of family and parents we had. Embarrassing my parents was considered to be the worst insult a child could bestow on them. My mother made sure we were dressed in clothes that were better than we could afford, our hair was ALWAYS done, and smiles were on our faces. Let me just say, that's a lotta pressure on a kid. Of course, to be fair, she put the same amount of pressure on herself to be equally as perfect looking. Every weight gain (ours or hers) was noted, sometimes subtly, sometimes not. I know this was something that my sister and I carried into our teenage and adult lives. It is still something we talk about. It is evident when ever there is a family crisis, or a big family event, my sister and I will spend hours talking about, debating, and trying on clothes and shoes. We will then talk jewelry, hair, and make-up and totally ignore the emotional part of whatever event we are about to attend. Then we openly, and sometimes harshly criticize each other's clothes, hair, shoes, adding to the pressure to "get it right".

Later in life this has translated for me into some body image distortions. I went through a time where I had some major emotional issues, and I felt out of control. What I could control, however, was what and how much I ate. It felt good to me to have the will power to not eat. People noticed how much weight I was loosing and commented on it. I knew it was unhealthy, but let's face it, the focus in our society is not to be healthy, but to be SKINNY! Perfectly, controllable skinny! 96 pounds skinny in fact. I was able to over come this to a degree with the help of my counselor. However, I still struggle with my body. The anti-depressant I take has made me gain weight recently, and I am miserable about it. Add to that the stretch marks from pregnancy, and scaring from 2 separate laparoscopic surgeries and you have a bad mix for someone who already wasn't happy with their body. Getting dressed is a constant struggle. Pictures are not something I care to deal with EVER, and special occasions make me hyper ventilate. Special occasions mean pictures AND stress about what I am wearing and how it fits! It affects my mood, my sex drive, my self confidence, to say nothing of my desire to be seen in a swim suit. Then I feel anxious and depressed, which makes me wanna eat, which makes me feel bad, which makes me wanna eat...

I try not to dwell on it or talk about it to much in front of my daughter, but it is hard. I am sure she picks up on the 7 outfit changes, and all the fussing when I am getting ready. Which is a whole nother blog in, and of itself.  So there ya have it, tomorrows entry. How do we stop the cycle of hating our appearance when it is so deeply ingrained in our society, our gender, and our families?