I would say this pretty accurately sums up how I have been feeling lately. Apparently it is how Chuck has been feeling to because I heard him yell for the first time in over 2 years this morning. So here is a brief little synopsis of our morning. (beginning last night)
8:00PM-Both girls in bed (yeah go me)
8:35PM- I realize I was supposed to drop my car off at the garage to be worked on at 6AM
8:36PM- Chuck and I argue about how to handle this. I suggest he go ask the neighbors if they mind running him to the garage then. He disagrees and says we should ALL get up at 5:30AM to get the car to the garage.
8:45PM- Yelling (mostly by me) about how Chuck is all wrapped up in all this stuff with his ex and his daughter and how he is creating problems where there are not problems (and there are PLENTY of problems already) He gets angry with me tells me that is not true. How he made dinner and took care of the kids while I had a migraine... You can guess how the rest plays out. Finally I just tell him to go upstairs and leave me alone, and he does.
9:30PM- I sit on the couch trying to decide what to do next. I feel the heart palpitations start and I am fighting the impulse to grab the car keys and run off, just for the sake of running off. (fight or flight I guess)
9:45PM- I decide more anxiety meds, muscle relaxant for the migraine, my Paxil and some quality time with my book are in order
9:47PM- I enter our room to get my meds. I feel my heart race as I walk past Chuck
11:00PM- I fall asleep on the couch reading The Help
11:00-3:00AM- Off and on sleeping on the couch
5:30AM- My alarm goes off
5:35AM- Snooze goes off
5:40AM- Snooze goes off I roll of couch and walk upstairs to wake everyone else
5:45AM- I push open the bedroom door to find our geriatric dog has pooped in the middle of the night, and in the middle of the bedroom floor.
5:46AM- Wake my daughter. Through on shoes, sweatshirt, pants
5:50AM- Chuck wakes his daughter
5:55AM- we load everyone (now awake and chatty) into cars head for the garage
6:04AM- Keys in drop box, we head back home.
6:16AM- I instruct my daughter to head straight upstairs and begin getting ready for school. I begin to look for her clothes.
6:20AM- I give up on looking for matching socks in the clean laundry and head upstairs to search her room.
6:25AM- Still looking for socks, slightly more panicked now (I remember having 2 clean pair in my hand this weekend. WHERE THE HELL DID THEY GO?)
6:30AM- Start yelling to Chuck to help look for said socks as I do my daughter's hair. She screams that I am pulling too much.
6:32AM-Psyco mom makes and appearance and begins freaking out about the missing socks (We have like 5 pair of school socks, how have we lost ALL 5 pair in 2 weeks?) As I look I knock my daughters 20 little "swishies" on the floor and begin yelling about the state of her room.
6:35AM-Both girl put on shoes to drive to bus stop (one to get on the bus, the other because she likes to do whatever the older one does) There is MUCh talking and question asking. "Patty is this the right foot? Patty do I have the right foot? Well is this the right foot?" "Where is my breakfast?" "Mom are we taking the dog to the bus stop"
6:40AM- Chuck and his daughter begin to argue over whether she needs a toy to keep her from getting bored on this 5 minute car ride. (this is where Chuck yells) "I SAID NO!"
6:41AM- She returns to the kitchen and is quickly distracted by the dog, who knows its time to go and is in his create whining and spinning hoping to come also.
6:45AM- Jackets on, leash on dog, we head out
6:47AM- Attach dog harness to seat so he stays put. Buckle in the two girls.
6:48AM- Head to the bus stop. Girls constant chatter the whole way.
6:55AM- We are there (damn it! the bus doesn't come until 7:05-7:10 we are too early)
6:56AM-7:07AM- The girls bicker about sitting with the dog, and then take VERY timed out turns sitting with the dog.
7:08AM- Load kid on bus. Head home with other kid.
7:20AM- Walk dog
7:28AM- Tell Chuck I am going back to bed until I need to get ready for work.
7:32AM- Oh yeah, the dog poop.
When I first became a single mom 4 years ago. Psycho Momma made regular appearances. I mean after all, I was suddenly live 5 minutes from parents I had spent 7 years being 8 hours from. I was a stay-at-home mom and was suddenly a working full-time AND taking care of a 2 year old. She was suddenly in a new house, in daycare, and...well...2. Now that she is 6, and I am well medicated...I mean more together, psycho mom only creeps out at times of extreme anxiety or stress. She now knows psycho mom though, and when she is told that momma is about to loose her temper and we don't wanna deal with crazy momma. She will say uh oh momma, ok. (I don't know if that is good or bad.) This is often followed by her quoting the movie Madagascar and saying "momma is psychotic" "the penguins are psychotic". Let me clarify that I DO NOT believe in yelling. I DO NOT believe in yelling at my child. I DO NOT believe yelling is an affective means of disciple OR communication. I do, however, believe that even the best parents do it in times of frustration or fear. As proof by Chuck's "stern daddy" voice this morning.
Now anyone who has children, and even most people who don't, knows that parenting is hard. It sucks to have to be the bad guy, kids find new and creative ways to test your limits, they are natural curious, naturally messy, they develop little I know everything attitudes. You gotta learn to go with the flow, choose your battles, and be ready for constant change. It's challenging, but what do you do when you have an anxiety disorder? How do you deal with all the punches and battles, especially at times of stress. Our family dynamic has changed so much since the arrival of Chuck's daughter it is hard to describe. There is the additional needs of another child to take care of, there is her constant need for attention, movement, or talking. (We assume because she had to fight for attention from her brother and not noticed by her mother who was self medicated and manic.) Also, she seems to have had little to no rules or guidance. So there are constant battles of will between her and Chuck. All of that coupled with the fact that she does not sleep through the night, has made the anxiety level in the whole house rise. Of course, that is expected with the unexpected arrival of a 4 year old into an already established home. The question now becomes what DO we do with that anxiety. I know, I personally, am beginning to question how good of a step-mom I am going to be. I am tired, I am frustrated, I miss time with Chuck where he could concentrate on what I was saying. He and I are having trouble getting on the same page about how to handle his daughter and her special needs. I am getting scared that maybe, despite me best intentions, I can not handle all of this, Chuck's mental health issues (PTSD, anxiety, depression, and ADD) and my metal health issues.
My migraines are more regular, my sleep is less regular, my temper is high, and my tolerance low. I don't want the girls to feel like it is them. Nor do I want to turn into screaming, yelling, fit throwing psycho mom/ fiance. No one really likes her, most of all me. I have a temper that beyond what is normal. It embarrasses me. Of course I leave whatever room the kids are in to throw my little fit, but I have a hard-time when I am in that fight or flight state of mind to not doing one or the other. If I resist the urge to "fight" then I instantly, desperately want to run. Anywhere. The more I try to control it, the more it bubbles up later. I am not sure how to parent with all of this going on in the back ground.
So I pray. I don't even know if I believe in God. I KNOW I don't think there is a "heavenly" place above me where HE looks down on me and judges all I do, but yet I pray. In fact the other night Chuck's daughter fell asleep on my chest as I rocked her. As I swayed with the rocker I repeated in my head "God bless this child. God bless this family. God bless this child. God bless this family." Lord knows that little girl has been through enough, and we all need some peace in our heads/ home tonight.
8:00PM-Both girls in bed (yeah go me)
8:35PM- I realize I was supposed to drop my car off at the garage to be worked on at 6AM
8:36PM- Chuck and I argue about how to handle this. I suggest he go ask the neighbors if they mind running him to the garage then. He disagrees and says we should ALL get up at 5:30AM to get the car to the garage.
8:45PM- Yelling (mostly by me) about how Chuck is all wrapped up in all this stuff with his ex and his daughter and how he is creating problems where there are not problems (and there are PLENTY of problems already) He gets angry with me tells me that is not true. How he made dinner and took care of the kids while I had a migraine... You can guess how the rest plays out. Finally I just tell him to go upstairs and leave me alone, and he does.
9:30PM- I sit on the couch trying to decide what to do next. I feel the heart palpitations start and I am fighting the impulse to grab the car keys and run off, just for the sake of running off. (fight or flight I guess)
9:45PM- I decide more anxiety meds, muscle relaxant for the migraine, my Paxil and some quality time with my book are in order
9:47PM- I enter our room to get my meds. I feel my heart race as I walk past Chuck
11:00PM- I fall asleep on the couch reading The Help
11:00-3:00AM- Off and on sleeping on the couch
5:30AM- My alarm goes off
5:35AM- Snooze goes off
5:40AM- Snooze goes off I roll of couch and walk upstairs to wake everyone else
5:45AM- I push open the bedroom door to find our geriatric dog has pooped in the middle of the night, and in the middle of the bedroom floor.
5:46AM- Wake my daughter. Through on shoes, sweatshirt, pants
5:50AM- Chuck wakes his daughter
5:55AM- we load everyone (now awake and chatty) into cars head for the garage
6:04AM- Keys in drop box, we head back home.
6:16AM- I instruct my daughter to head straight upstairs and begin getting ready for school. I begin to look for her clothes.
6:20AM- I give up on looking for matching socks in the clean laundry and head upstairs to search her room.
6:25AM- Still looking for socks, slightly more panicked now (I remember having 2 clean pair in my hand this weekend. WHERE THE HELL DID THEY GO?)
6:30AM- Start yelling to Chuck to help look for said socks as I do my daughter's hair. She screams that I am pulling too much.
6:32AM-Psyco mom makes and appearance and begins freaking out about the missing socks (We have like 5 pair of school socks, how have we lost ALL 5 pair in 2 weeks?) As I look I knock my daughters 20 little "swishies" on the floor and begin yelling about the state of her room.
6:35AM-Both girl put on shoes to drive to bus stop (one to get on the bus, the other because she likes to do whatever the older one does) There is MUCh talking and question asking. "Patty is this the right foot? Patty do I have the right foot? Well is this the right foot?" "Where is my breakfast?" "Mom are we taking the dog to the bus stop"
6:40AM- Chuck and his daughter begin to argue over whether she needs a toy to keep her from getting bored on this 5 minute car ride. (this is where Chuck yells) "I SAID NO!"
6:41AM- She returns to the kitchen and is quickly distracted by the dog, who knows its time to go and is in his create whining and spinning hoping to come also.
6:45AM- Jackets on, leash on dog, we head out
6:47AM- Attach dog harness to seat so he stays put. Buckle in the two girls.
6:48AM- Head to the bus stop. Girls constant chatter the whole way.
6:55AM- We are there (damn it! the bus doesn't come until 7:05-7:10 we are too early)
6:56AM-7:07AM- The girls bicker about sitting with the dog, and then take VERY timed out turns sitting with the dog.
7:08AM- Load kid on bus. Head home with other kid.
7:20AM- Walk dog
7:28AM- Tell Chuck I am going back to bed until I need to get ready for work.
7:32AM- Oh yeah, the dog poop.
When I first became a single mom 4 years ago. Psycho Momma made regular appearances. I mean after all, I was suddenly live 5 minutes from parents I had spent 7 years being 8 hours from. I was a stay-at-home mom and was suddenly a working full-time AND taking care of a 2 year old. She was suddenly in a new house, in daycare, and...well...2. Now that she is 6, and I am well medicated...I mean more together, psycho mom only creeps out at times of extreme anxiety or stress. She now knows psycho mom though, and when she is told that momma is about to loose her temper and we don't wanna deal with crazy momma. She will say uh oh momma, ok. (I don't know if that is good or bad.) This is often followed by her quoting the movie Madagascar and saying "momma is psychotic" "the penguins are psychotic". Let me clarify that I DO NOT believe in yelling. I DO NOT believe in yelling at my child. I DO NOT believe yelling is an affective means of disciple OR communication. I do, however, believe that even the best parents do it in times of frustration or fear. As proof by Chuck's "stern daddy" voice this morning.
Now anyone who has children, and even most people who don't, knows that parenting is hard. It sucks to have to be the bad guy, kids find new and creative ways to test your limits, they are natural curious, naturally messy, they develop little I know everything attitudes. You gotta learn to go with the flow, choose your battles, and be ready for constant change. It's challenging, but what do you do when you have an anxiety disorder? How do you deal with all the punches and battles, especially at times of stress. Our family dynamic has changed so much since the arrival of Chuck's daughter it is hard to describe. There is the additional needs of another child to take care of, there is her constant need for attention, movement, or talking. (We assume because she had to fight for attention from her brother and not noticed by her mother who was self medicated and manic.) Also, she seems to have had little to no rules or guidance. So there are constant battles of will between her and Chuck. All of that coupled with the fact that she does not sleep through the night, has made the anxiety level in the whole house rise. Of course, that is expected with the unexpected arrival of a 4 year old into an already established home. The question now becomes what DO we do with that anxiety. I know, I personally, am beginning to question how good of a step-mom I am going to be. I am tired, I am frustrated, I miss time with Chuck where he could concentrate on what I was saying. He and I are having trouble getting on the same page about how to handle his daughter and her special needs. I am getting scared that maybe, despite me best intentions, I can not handle all of this, Chuck's mental health issues (PTSD, anxiety, depression, and ADD) and my metal health issues.
My migraines are more regular, my sleep is less regular, my temper is high, and my tolerance low. I don't want the girls to feel like it is them. Nor do I want to turn into screaming, yelling, fit throwing psycho mom/ fiance. No one really likes her, most of all me. I have a temper that beyond what is normal. It embarrasses me. Of course I leave whatever room the kids are in to throw my little fit, but I have a hard-time when I am in that fight or flight state of mind to not doing one or the other. If I resist the urge to "fight" then I instantly, desperately want to run. Anywhere. The more I try to control it, the more it bubbles up later. I am not sure how to parent with all of this going on in the back ground.
So I pray. I don't even know if I believe in God. I KNOW I don't think there is a "heavenly" place above me where HE looks down on me and judges all I do, but yet I pray. In fact the other night Chuck's daughter fell asleep on my chest as I rocked her. As I swayed with the rocker I repeated in my head "God bless this child. God bless this family. God bless this child. God bless this family." Lord knows that little girl has been through enough, and we all need some peace in our heads/ home tonight.
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