I Am Not Adrift, I Am Floating

I have been thrown around like a small boat a drift on the ocean lately. It is hard to live a stable life without a stable foundation. It seems, just as I fight my way up to the surface, and take a deep breath of fresh air, then the next wave crashes down and pushes me under again. At first it was very overwhelming. I was frantically trying to regain control, gasping for each breath. Trying to break the force of the wave, at least slightly, before it hit. But after awhile, I became tired, defeated by the endlessness of the waving ocean. Feeling like it was pointless to fight, pointless to try. Like the ocean was just to vast for me make it to shore. My emotions, depression and anxiety were at a peak, heightened even more by a falling out with a close friend, and then an incredibly emotional encounter with my mother. As I made my way into deeper waters, and the waves were more like wakes, I began to look around search for a direction. My tendency, at times like this, is to grasp at straws trying to find any, and every, way out of the situation. I go into panic mode and try whatever might make me feel less nervous, less afraid, less depressed. This time, though, I am not sure why (maybe because it has never worked before) I didn't do that. I began to look inside myself for the answer. I meditate on words of strength and faith. I have begun to float, calmly, just allowing myself to rise and fall with the waves. It was horrifying. I tend to be a person likes to have a direction, a destination, even if I fall short of reaching it. "Patience" a close friend preached to me. "Patience" he says, over and over, and amazingly I listen. The water seems to level out, and my world seems filled with signs to trust in God, trust in the universe, trust in myself. I am struggling to make peace with that trust. I struggle to not try and grab the ores and row my little boat in any direction just to feel movement. Amazing, suddenly, I realize I am not adrift, but in actually, I am able to row in any direction I choose. I am no longer held captive by the whim of the weather, or a chartered course. I can just float, until I figure out where I want to go, and that will be alright. Patience, and I just might be surprised at the direction that my little boat heads in, but whatever path I choose I will have faith that it is the path I was meant to be on.

Modest Mouse-Float (My new theme song.)

Opinions Welcome

Science Friday Archives: Combatting Depression With Meditation, Diet

As a regular NPR listener, and generally, a fan of alternative medicines, you can imagine my delight when I tuned in to Science Friday and heard part of this interview. Now I have tried meditation, yoga, St. John's Wart, Samee, exercise...pretty much whatever suggestions are out there to avoid medication for my clinical depression and clinical anxiety. Some of them helped lessen the symptoms, often they helped me keep my anxiety from peeking. But none of them made me feel good, or normal. However, since I also suffer from physical illness and migraines, in addition to anxiety and depression, I was especially interested when I heard the radio talking about a possible connection between depression and inflammation. It made me hopeful that some day maybe I could be cured and not just well.

Now at this point, I think it is important to say that I only heard PART of this interview, and I did not know it was Dr Weil being interviewed. I downloaded the interview so that I can listen to the full content. Also, being interested in alternative and inclusive treatment I have heard of Dr Weil, but have never researched him myself or formed my own opinion on his treatments and philosophies. I have read some articles and some quotes of his that I agree with, and some that I do not. In reading the responses to this interview, it seems there are two schools of thought here, both with their own biases and misconceptions.

First, alternative medicine (often actually derived from various ancient cultures) is often over looked as a real form of treatment. As is the connection between the psychological effects of physical illness on one's mood, and the effect of one's physical health on their mental health. There are many positives about alternative and natural treatments, and their are many misunderstandings about them as well.  And that is without getting into the issues within the health care system and private insurance available here in the USA, that make alternative medicines more expensive and less researched than traditional drugs.

The second school of thought comes from the view point of the mentally ill themselves. Having, myself, been misdiagnosed, over medicated, and felt the sting of the stigmas associated with depression and mental illness. We are tired of the Tom Cruise types and others who have never delt with the debilitating effects of clinical depression telling us that we just need to change our life style, or stop being lazy, or dwelling on things. While dealing with depression does take a certain amount of determination to survive, there are very real physical reasons for the emotional reactions we are having. And exercise, diet, meditation, yoga all help with depression as a mood, or the symptoms of depression, they often do NOT do enough for people with clinical illness. These things help me use less medication. They help me to avoid panic attacks, but they do not help me in times of high stress when my brain is not producing enough chemicals to help me think the way other people do. I do NOT see the alternatives during those moments. To me depression is as though someone has turned out all the lights in my head. I no longer see alternative pathways. I no longer feel hopeful. I no longer feel important or strong. I personally do manage to get out of bed most days, but I know many people who don't. So to tell someone who is already feeling bad about not being able to get up, or leave the house, that they should have the self awareness and discipline to exercise or meditate is just unrealistic. Plus, believe me when I say "You are NOT the first person to suggest this to a depressed person! If it were that simple, there would not be the mental health epidemic that there is."

In the end, it all boils down to stigmas and misconceptions. If we would all make a little more room in our lives to accept what other people believe, it could make a world of difference to everyone. Incorporating mind and body in ANY medical treatment is just a good idea. That said, knowing that people with mental illnesses have real medical conditions, that requires  real treatment, and not just a good talking to, is critical to making a difference in people's lives.

What is your opinion? Are you a Dr Weil fan? Do you believe in alternative medicines? Do you think there are links between diet, exercise, and depression, or is that just one more stigma for people with mental illness to battle?

Too Much Coffee????

Perhaps it is the 12 cups of coffee I drank today, the looming visit from Child Services, the total lack of money, work stress, raising a child, or hormones, whatever the cause I seem to be increasingly on edge lately. I have been trying to meditate, draw, blog, breath, anything that might help me keep it together. Yet today, when the tension rod thingy (yes that IS the technical term) from the toilet paper holder popped out shooting across the room and making a loud pop when I reached for it earlier, I jumped and shrieked loudly enough that my co-worker heard me at the front of the store. Oh yeah, did I mention this was at work? I go back to the Psych Doc in about a week. Last time I was there we changed my antidepressant from Cymbalta to Paxil in an attempt to help with anxiety. I really don't like meds like Xanex, but I am beginning to feel that if I do not do something my head might explode! Are there coping strategies I am missing, or do I break down and use meds temporarily just for my own metal stability? Chuck is a meds person. He has no fear of taking anxiety or depression meds, but I am more hesitant. In my early 20's I had a REALLY bad doctor who had me one a REALLY large amount of drugs and I did not do well with it. No I try to do everything I can to avoid taking anything beyond the minimal amount of medication I can. The problem with this is, that as anyone who has experienced anxiety or depression knows, when you are in the midst of it you don't always see yourself as clearly as you otherwise might. That means that occasionally I do not ask for help until I am literally loosing sleep, weight, and my already questionable sanity. So when do you say when? I know I am being short with my family. I know I am crying and awful lot, and I know I am incredibly jumpy, but I am scared that more drugs= more side affects + more money. How do you know what is best? How do you balance the side affects with the symptoms if it is something that is not black and white, not life altering? I do not want to feel like this all the time, but I do not want to feel "drugged" either. I have been drugged to the point where I felt like the drugs made me feel less sane rather than more sane. It is a scary feeling. I have a much better doc now, but what if the idea of anti-anxiety meds makes you anxious? How do you handle that?