Don't Pretend My Elephant isn't Real

So I am wondering why no one seems to understand me. Am I not expressing myself well? Do most people not care? Do peopele expect me to be stronger than I am? Do I treat myself with so little self respect that it seems ok to talk down to me? Do people just not get how much anxiety and depression truly affect you? Whatever the reason, I feel like I am constantly trying to get people to understand what's going on with me. Yet they still seem to push, or disregard, or talk down to me for my "weakness" or "moodiness". When you tell someone close to you that you feel as though you are beginning to reach a limit on what you can handle before you reach self district they should take you seriously, right? Maybe I expect to much. Maybe I expect people to SEE I am falling apart and offer support instead of asking for support. It often feels to me like when I do ask for help (not from my counselor, but rather friends or family) that it is either not heard, or is more of a pat on the back and then it is forgotten. My father (who is also my boss) will say "go do some work therapy" meanwhile, I am proud of myself for even getting out of bed that day. My parents are the worst at understanding, and being supportive of my mental health problems. They don't believe in meds. They don't believe in counseling. They believe you suck it up and move on. It is hard to explain to people around you, even friends and relatives at times that you just can't. You can not just snap out of it. You can not explain why you are crying nor can you stop. No it is not "just life" (that's my mom's favorite) it is more than that for people who have issues with depression. And NO it is not acceptable to talk to me like I am incapable, or crazy. I understand the scope of things just fine. I am not weak or overly sensative. I have a real issueand I am really struggling. I will not just feel better tomorrow. And telling me those things only makes me feel worse, and if I say I am reaching my breaking point I mean it. Panick attacks, cutting, the overwhelming desire to hide away from some place so I can be left alone, I mean it! I am not looking for attention or being dramtic. I am very, very real!

Too Much Coffee????

Perhaps it is the 12 cups of coffee I drank today, the looming visit from Child Services, the total lack of money, work stress, raising a child, or hormones, whatever the cause I seem to be increasingly on edge lately. I have been trying to meditate, draw, blog, breath, anything that might help me keep it together. Yet today, when the tension rod thingy (yes that IS the technical term) from the toilet paper holder popped out shooting across the room and making a loud pop when I reached for it earlier, I jumped and shrieked loudly enough that my co-worker heard me at the front of the store. Oh yeah, did I mention this was at work? I go back to the Psych Doc in about a week. Last time I was there we changed my antidepressant from Cymbalta to Paxil in an attempt to help with anxiety. I really don't like meds like Xanex, but I am beginning to feel that if I do not do something my head might explode! Are there coping strategies I am missing, or do I break down and use meds temporarily just for my own metal stability? Chuck is a meds person. He has no fear of taking anxiety or depression meds, but I am more hesitant. In my early 20's I had a REALLY bad doctor who had me one a REALLY large amount of drugs and I did not do well with it. No I try to do everything I can to avoid taking anything beyond the minimal amount of medication I can. The problem with this is, that as anyone who has experienced anxiety or depression knows, when you are in the midst of it you don't always see yourself as clearly as you otherwise might. That means that occasionally I do not ask for help until I am literally loosing sleep, weight, and my already questionable sanity. So when do you say when? I know I am being short with my family. I know I am crying and awful lot, and I know I am incredibly jumpy, but I am scared that more drugs= more side affects + more money. How do you know what is best? How do you balance the side affects with the symptoms if it is something that is not black and white, not life altering? I do not want to feel like this all the time, but I do not want to feel "drugged" either. I have been drugged to the point where I felt like the drugs made me feel less sane rather than more sane. It is a scary feeling. I have a much better doc now, but what if the idea of anti-anxiety meds makes you anxious? How do you handle that?