It has been said that God never gives you more than what you can handle. I wish He had less faith in me. I look around, and I know I have many blessings. Things that other don't have, a beautiful healthy child, a safe warm home, plenty of food, clean water, medical care, an education, and those are just the basics. I see all those things, and I am grateful. Yet I am not happy. I still feel not good enough, not loved, not cared about. I still carry this deep sadness, and I can't seem to lift it.
I am working on my connection to God and my spirituality. I am reciting meditation prayers daily. Sometimes several times a day, if I find enough quiet. Maybe I will have a spirital awakening and my whole life will change. I don't know, that would be great.
But failing that, I am pretty much a wreck recently, and I can't help but wonder, what I could have possibly done to deserve to feel THIS bad. I hate to say it, but it feels a little unfair to me.
I realize life is unfair some times. That's just the way it goes, but every time I feel like things are starting to look up I get hit with another wave of stress, depression, or just plain bad luck. I am not sure how much more I can take before I go under. I try so hard. I take my meds, I go to work, I take care of my daughter, I blog, I go to therapy, I am even taking vitamins, and yet, I continue to get beat down by life. It seems to happen over and over, and each time it gets harder to get back up. I suppose, eventually, I won't even care, and I'll just stop picking myself up. But thankfully I am not there yet.
I am horrified of being labled as miserable person, a bad person, a crazy person, or a weak person. So every day I force myself out of bed and I put on my "pretend its all ok" face. Apparently, it is pretty convincing because no one around me (ok, not true, most people) don't seem to have a clue that, on the inside, I am completely falling apart. That I come home and cry (or hide in the bathroom or my car.) They don't seem to notice that I am fighting back tears, that my hands shake, or that I am taking more anxiety medication. Why do I care? Why do I let other people's oppinions impact me so much? Who are they? Well, often times, they are people who I believed loved (love) me. The fact that they don't notice my struggle sometimes hurts me more.
I sometimes wonder what would happen if I just gave up. What if I stopped going to work, just didn't show up. What if I stopped being people's friend. Stopped helping others, supporting them. What if I just disappeared for a week, or a weekend? Sent my daughter with her dad, and decided the hell with everyone else, I am going to draw, read, meditate, and not worry about a damn thing for awhile. What would happen then? How would my life change? What keeps me from doing that, taking care of me?
I want you to know that as I am reading your blog I am thinking "yes, yes I udnerstand these feelings all to well". I can't help but wonder, as you do, what I have done to deserve all these hardships and pain. I too, feel I am labled a "sick person" and don't want that for myself. However, I can't help but have these issues. It isn't like we choose to be this way. We just ARE this way.
ReplyDeleteLike you as well, I feel some days I want to give up. I am emotionally and physically tired from trying and from the fight of trying to keep it together and some days I want to just let go....give up all responsibility, somehow go into a deep sleep and not wake for a month. I need a vacation from myself (as I am sure you do as well).
WHY on WHY does it have to be so hard on us. WHY can't life give us a hand? I too ponder these questions and struggle with finding spirituality to get me through.
I know you are a strong person. I know this becaue you haven't completely given up yet and you are still fighting to maintain. Even if you a bit more lax at times and yes...make mistakes...you are STILL strong. Other people, they look at us and (you are right) they don't get it. They can't. It is because this struggle being as chemical as it is ...well it is for us to understand. Explaining it to others helps to some extent but without being able to share it with them they can only come so far in understanding.
That is why we need eachother. That is why I hold you and you hold me durring the bad time. It is hard for us when we are deeply in the grasps of depression and anxiety to reach out. Those are the times we need eachother most but we tend to curl in fetal (so to speak) and keep it all in. THe more we learn healthier coping methods ..like reaching out...like thearpy..and meditation and spiritual strength the more that these battles will shrink away and seam less overwhelming.
Remember I send you love with each passing day.
- me