Past in the Present

http://jajptsd.tripod.com/

PTSD- From Web MD

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

Post-traumatic stress disorder(PTSD), once called shell shock or battle fatigue syndrome, is a serious condition that can develop after a person has experienced or witnessed a traumatic or terrifying event in which serious physical harm occurred or was threatened. PTSD is a lasting consequence of traumatic ordeals that cause intense fear, helplessness, or horror, such as a sexual or physical assault, the unexpected death of a loved one, an accident, war, or natural disaster. Families of victims can also develop post-traumatic stress disorder, as can emergency personnel and rescue workers.

Most people who experience a traumatic event will have reactions that may include shock, anger, nervousness, fear, and even guilt. These reactions are common; and for most people, they go away over time. For a person with PTSD, however, these feelings continue and even increase, becoming so strong that they keep the person from living a normal life. People with PTSD have symptoms for longer than one month and cannot function as well as before the event occurred.

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What Are the Symptoms of PTSD?

Symptoms of PTSD most often begin within three months of the event. In some cases, however, they do not begin until years later. The severity and duration of the illness vary. Some people recover within six months, while others suffer much longer.

Symptoms of PTSD often are grouped into three main categories, including:

• Re-living: People with PTSD repeatedly re-live the ordeal through thoughts and memories of the trauma. These may include flashbacks, hallucinations, and nightmares. They also may feel great distress when certain things remind them of the trauma, such as the anniversary date of the event.
• Avoiding: The person may avoid people, places, thoughts, or situations that may remind him or her of the trauma. This can lead to feelings of detachment and isolation from family and friends, as well as a loss of interest in activities that the person once enjoyed.
• Increased arousal: These include excessive emotions; problems relating to others, including feeling or showing affection; difficulty falling or staying asleep; irritability; outbursts of anger; difficulty concentrating; and being "jumpy" or easily startled. The person may also suffer physical symptoms, such as increased blood pressure and heart rate, rapid breathing, muscle tension, nausea, and diarrhea.

Young children with PTSD may suffer from delayed development in areas such as toilet training, motor skills, and language.

How Common Is PTSD?

About 3.6% of adult Americans -- about 5.2 million people -- suffer from PTSD during the course of a year, and an estimated 7.8 million Americans will experience PTSD at some point in their lives. PTSD can develop at any age, including childhood. Women are more likely to develop PTSD than are men. This may be due to the fact that women are more likely to be victims of domestic violence, abuse, and rape.

Past In Present-Feist

It was not until recently that the general population found out what PTSD is about. Brought to light by the recent Golf Wars and the events of 9/11. There has been an awareness campaign for those affected by the 9/11 tragedies, as well as, the large number of military personnel now dealing with the aftermath of what they have seen while at war. However, what I don't think a lot of people know is that ANY type of major trauma can cause this same disorder to develop, and of course "major trauma" is more defined by the victim and their reaction then details of the event itself. Thereby making PTSD much like depression in that it is easily over looked by those around you. A person who has suffered at the hands of an abusive partner can develop PTSD that is seen by friends and family simply as an inability to move on. "I don't know why she can't just get over it." I have head people say. The truth, as seen in the definition above from WebMD, abuse as an adult or a child, rape, molestation, traumatic loss of a loved one, or any other trauma or shock can cause symptoms of PTSD to appear.

After having an emotionally abusive boyfrined as a teenager, I had some residual fears, often nightmares, and anxiety issues. It wasn't until I was in college that the pieces all started to fit together. I began having full fledged panic attacks, smoking, acting in self distinctive ways, and slipping into a depression that kept me from getting up some mornings, making it hard to continue with classes. I eventually ended up in an ER and then a crisis center. Soon after I left school for the semester, and began counseling, taking Prozac, Klonopin, and something else, but frankly that time period is still slightly blurry for me. My counselor diagnosed me with PTSD from my abuse. Along with the PTSD came a diagnosis of clinical depression, and an anxiety disorder. Day to functioning became difficult. The semester I did return to school I ended up taking incomplete in every class. I was reckless, stopped eating, I stopped using reason and started going strictly on impulse. I am thankful I had a good therapist at the time. Through weekly sessions, teaching of relaxation techniques, some art therapy, and working on changing how I saw and reacted to the world around me, I began to be able to function on a higher level. While I still occasionally have the dreams (especially when I feel like someone else is controlling my life) I still fight the desire to fight or run away when ever threatened, and I still deal with anxiety and depression, I have been able to put much or the PTSD behind me.

I see it in Chuck though. In less than a 10 year time span he has lost both parents, a child,been divorced, watched his little girl move out of his house and to a state to far away for him to visit her regularly, has had people lie to him, manipulate him, and use his children against him in ways I find incomprehensible. I have watched him withdrawal from me, from his children, and what little family he has left. I have felt him cling to me and our family so tightly that I thought it would be more than we could take. I have seen him depressed and on Xanax, hands shaking. I have seen him not be able to move forward from this trauma. I have watched and listened as he talked about feeling weak, or helpless. I hear the anger in his voice, and the hopelessness. It saddens me, and it makes it hard to reach him, talk to him in a reasonable way. I realize now the frustration my friends and family felt in dealing with me those years when I was unreachable. I want to help him. Show him there IS hope. Show him this time he will NOT be left behind to fend for himself dealing with a mess he did not create. No one is going to take his baby girl again. We are solid. We are a family. What he is feeling, and fearing is from the past not the present. But I can not reach him until he returns to the present. So I will wait her for him.

I am Peppermint Patty

Dr Seuss

Since beginning There is an Elephant in the Room? I have been reading a lot of other blogs and articles on mental illness. I find so many of them so brave and so inspiring. I had two objectives when I started this blog. The first was to shine a light on mental illness of all types, and how it affects so many individuals and in turn so many families. My second goal, was to share some of my personal experiences with others so that they could know they were not alone, understand, and/or share their experiences. Well and I guess make myself feel more understood and less alone. I guess that means I had three reasons for starting a blog.

Yet even as I read, and write, about the stigmas attached to people with mental illness and talk about bringing it out into the light, I myself hide behind a screen name. It often tears me up. I spend quite a bit of my life hiding my true self from the people around me. I have tried to be myself, tried to talk about counseling, or medications, and I have paid a heavy price for that. Part of my depression and anxiety stems from years of verbal and mental abuse when I was younger, often from the men in my life. Bringing the abuse and the PTSD, depression, and anxiety that followed into the open has cost me friends. At 19 and ER doc who was seeing me for a panic attack sent to crisis center in the middle of nowhere that had all male residents at the time. I have mentioned that my parents are often not supportive in my quest for recovery, they have stopped paying for my private counselor when I was in my 20s because they deemed me "better". My mother has withdrawn completely for weeks at a time. I have had relatives talk about me behind my back. Saying I was depressing to be around, and really down on life. My grandmother once told me she knew I was just "playing" my parents, and I feel I will be forever viewed as the families black sheep. What I want more than anything is to just be ok with that. To be able to say f'em and just be me, but I have never been able to do that. instead I have split myself into two different people essentially. There is the person Chuck, my closest friends, and counselor see who is not perfect. Is often depressed. Is often full of anxiety, and dramatic. Has ticks where the same panicked thought rolls through my head again & again. (Do other people have that by the way? the "I gotta get out of here. I've gotta get out of here". Or the "just be quiet. Just be quiet" rolling through your head over and over on really bad days? Just checking) The person who deals poorly with stress. Occasionally turning to cutting, tattoos, drawing, screaming, and crying to deal with all the pain inside. Then there is the person I present to family, co-workers, and anyone who may come into contact with my parents. THAT girl tries to always look presentable, even when all messed up on the inside. Smiles through the pain and depression. She does not cry in public, or cause a screen ever, or even hesitate at the drive through because the people behind us (or the 16 year old serving me) may think poorly of me. Seeing as I live in the same small town as my parents, and work for my father, that turns out to be quite a lot of people that I pretend around. Meaning that I spend about 75% of my time hiding my true feelings and thoughts from people. I often feel lonely, and unaccepted. I feel like hurt, angry, and sad that the people who claim to love me will never really see me for who I am, let alone accept me. How does one accept and deal with that? It has also rolled in to a form of social anxiety for me, and a lack of self confidence. So I guess technically I AM Peppermint Patty in my world, in my head, then the person my family created in their world. Don't get me wrong my parents and family are good people, but they do not know how to deal with things they don't understand, or can't control. Leaving me stuck in two worlds, sitting on the back of my invisible elephant, and feeling very inadequate, and lonely.