One of Those Days...Again

You can tell most people you are having "one of those days", and they will nod sympathetically at you. But anyone who live with a mood disorder, knows this is not a run of the mill, crappy luck, tomorrow will be better kind of a day.  This is a, I had to decide whether to get out of bed kind of a day. The kind of day where you are miserable in your own skin.  The kind of day where you feel the overwhelming urge to cry at any given moment, in public, and somewhat hysterically. The kind of day where you are miserable to be around, and you are ok with that, because it is also the kind of day where most people make you want to kick them (or cry...or both). You don't want to be hugged, even by the people you love. Sometimes even by your own child. You don't want to talk to, or smile at strangers. You don't want to move because it just takes too much freaking energy. The worst part of it all, is that this is one of those kind of days that most people DON'T understand, nor can you explain it. It is not that anything especially bad or upsetting happened. Yeah, everyone has bad days, or bad moods, but this is beyond that. This is misery beyond what most people understand. This is depression. Not depression the mood, but depression the disorder. Which means it maybe truly just be "one of those days" because there was extra stress, or you didn't get enough sleep, or because you've had a hormone shift. OR it could be "one of those days" that settles in and stays for awhile, weeks maybe. The not knowing sometimes makes you even more miserable. Wondering how many of "those days" lie ahead before you begin to feel normal again (whatever that is.) Today was one of those days. God, how I hope tomorrow is a new day.

All Four Seasons

How will I know?
How can I tell?
Which side of the bed she takes when the day begins
She can be kind
She can be cruel
She's got me guessing like a game show fool

If it's a sunny day I take my umbrella Just in case the raindrops start to fall You could say that I'm just a cautious fellow
I don't want to be caught in a sudden squall
That's my baby
She can be all four seasons in one day
That's my baby
She can be all four seasons in one day

My ex husband used to swear that All Four Seasons by Sting was written about me. If it wasn't, well I can at least relate, and so could he. I am the "artsy" type, a Gemini, a woman, with a mood and anxiety disorder. Yeah, it in short I am moody, and my whole life functions around those moods. I am very emotion based. I don't see it as a bad thing, but it also has not always proven to be an asset either. Let me clarify here by saying that, while it does occasionally make me seem a little flighty, I am not unintelligent. I am just more inclined, than some, to give someone the benefit of the doubt, or consider what they might have been feeling before making my final judgement. I have always been this way.

At any rate, I, and others, have several thought on why I am this way. There is the idea that some people just come hardwired this way. The idea that I am a Gemini, and there for my disposition was written in the stars. I could have a hormone imbalance. It could be part of my depression and anxiety disorders. Maybe it is all of the above. I may never know. Here's what I do know. It is exhausting! Especially during times of high stress, I often feel like I am an emotional pin ball. Getting bounced around, lights and noises, smacked and zapped until I finally fall through a hole at the bottom of the day. I don't know what to do about it any more. I had a boyfriend who used to fight with me. He believed you had to be "in control of your emotions". Believe me when I tell you that I wish I were! Do you have any idea what it feels like to go through a whole rang of emotion in a few hours time? Each new emotion brings on a new view of the world. Sometimes, I even feel the swing coming, but I can't stop it, and I am not saying this as an excuse for my bad behavior or lack of self control. People who know me well have watched me ride the waves of emotion, lash out in rages, begin to cry for no reason, get so nervous and anxious that I have a hard time letting my own daughter touch me, then be fine a few hours later. It often makes me feel out of control and crazy.  It makes it difficult to make decisions. Especially, big decisions. I become very confused, and overwhelmed, very quickly, and my head begins to spin. It mixes together logic and emotion until I loose track of which is which. It's dizzying. I will literally make a decision, and hours later FEEL differently, and begin to second guess myself. I wish that I was more able to detach from the emotion of my life and the emotion of those around me. All of the back and forth, up and down it wears on me, increases my anxiety, makes me lack self confidence.

Does anyone else have this problem? Is this something common with depression and anxiety? What techniques work to help you disconnect and begin to de-emotionalize an experience or decision? Can you detach some, or is it just a part of who you are and you have to learn a work around? How do you keep you constant mood changes from wearing you out?

Kids teaching parents

Read Madam Bipolar's blog, Plan B and the comments that followed it, makes me think a lot about my mental illness and its effects on my daughter. (Both genetic and environmentally) I, in fact, just today call a family therapy group so that we can deal with her anxiety. (Daddy was kind enough to provide his own anxiety disorder to her genetic make up, in addition to my disorders.) As well as, to help her deal with Chuck and his daughter moving out. It is something I am constantly aware of. For example, the other night I had a particularly bad anxiety night and my daughter wanted to climb on me, snuggled with me, the normal stuff, but for some reason every time she touched me I got jumpy and felt like I was going to crawl out of my skin. She was doing her normal 6 year old thing, but the wiggling, and talking, and bumping me....I just couldn't take it. It made me feel like a horrible momma's. She just wanted some attention. Now believe me when I say my child has NO lack of attention! She is an only child, and the first born grandchild of 3 sets of grandparents. But the fact that I knew MY disorder was causing me to not be able to hold her, snuggled her, and be the affectionate mom I usually am bothered me. As a lot of the comments left on the Plan B blog said you become so aware of moments like that. Instead of yelling at her and telling her to leave momma a lone, we talked and she understood that momma's needed some down time. It helps some to see her understand and reflect that. She will tell her dad when he call that she "thinks momma's newest some alone time because she is really frustrated and upset"
These things, these example, show not just the negate side of a mentally ill parent, but they also show a little girl with a kind heart. She is always willing to help and always wants to make people feel better. I once told "No, no honey momma's is the adult. I will take care of it." She rubbed my back, whiles my tears away and said, "See momma's even little people can help too." And she was right. I needed to feel love and cared for that night.
I have struggled from clinical depression and anxiety since I was 19 (least that's when I was diagnosed). My 20s were spent in a lot of turmoil. Skipping class, sleeping a lot, then the panic attacks started. Then I stopped caring. Stopped eating, stopped wearing make up, started cutting, got my first tattoo. I cycles though the depression, the self destructive behavior for the next few years. Then once I had mocked with my ex down south, I found people who began helping me. I kept up with my medications, as well as my counseling. As did my ex. I went to counseling 8month pregnant, I went 9 months pregnant, and I went with a new born. I did NOT want to fail now that I had a little life at stake. Just having her makes me want to be a better person, makes me want to maintain my level of being high functioning. She pushes me to do that. When I am to depressed to get out of bed I get up and get her to school, every morning. After I get home I lay down again, but damn it she is at school. When Chuck lived here and he was non-stop on me about something and I wanted to grab my keys and go, but I didn't I didn't want to leave me daughter here without me. She sees that I am down or "Don't feel so well", and she generally let's me rest. She understands a lot for a kid her age. We talk about our feelings all the time. But most of all she makes me stronger. She makes me feel I can do things for her that I can do for no one else. The bus stop, every morning. Some times just get outta bed.
If I lived alone I would not get up, but she needs her momma's. So I push myself and I do it. Basically what is am saying is that without her I don't know that I would try so hard, or push myself as hard, or ever have know unconditionally love! And since I, and pretty much I alone, made my girl everything wonderful, compassionate, smart, independent. I gave her that and she gives me a reason to push on.

Update 12/7/11- I apologize for the earlier typos. I was writing on my cell phone and after taking my Paxil and Ambien.   

Opinions Welcome

Science Friday Archives: Combatting Depression With Meditation, Diet

As a regular NPR listener, and generally, a fan of alternative medicines, you can imagine my delight when I tuned in to Science Friday and heard part of this interview. Now I have tried meditation, yoga, St. John's Wart, Samee, exercise...pretty much whatever suggestions are out there to avoid medication for my clinical depression and clinical anxiety. Some of them helped lessen the symptoms, often they helped me keep my anxiety from peeking. But none of them made me feel good, or normal. However, since I also suffer from physical illness and migraines, in addition to anxiety and depression, I was especially interested when I heard the radio talking about a possible connection between depression and inflammation. It made me hopeful that some day maybe I could be cured and not just well.

Now at this point, I think it is important to say that I only heard PART of this interview, and I did not know it was Dr Weil being interviewed. I downloaded the interview so that I can listen to the full content. Also, being interested in alternative and inclusive treatment I have heard of Dr Weil, but have never researched him myself or formed my own opinion on his treatments and philosophies. I have read some articles and some quotes of his that I agree with, and some that I do not. In reading the responses to this interview, it seems there are two schools of thought here, both with their own biases and misconceptions.

First, alternative medicine (often actually derived from various ancient cultures) is often over looked as a real form of treatment. As is the connection between the psychological effects of physical illness on one's mood, and the effect of one's physical health on their mental health. There are many positives about alternative and natural treatments, and their are many misunderstandings about them as well.  And that is without getting into the issues within the health care system and private insurance available here in the USA, that make alternative medicines more expensive and less researched than traditional drugs.

The second school of thought comes from the view point of the mentally ill themselves. Having, myself, been misdiagnosed, over medicated, and felt the sting of the stigmas associated with depression and mental illness. We are tired of the Tom Cruise types and others who have never delt with the debilitating effects of clinical depression telling us that we just need to change our life style, or stop being lazy, or dwelling on things. While dealing with depression does take a certain amount of determination to survive, there are very real physical reasons for the emotional reactions we are having. And exercise, diet, meditation, yoga all help with depression as a mood, or the symptoms of depression, they often do NOT do enough for people with clinical illness. These things help me use less medication. They help me to avoid panic attacks, but they do not help me in times of high stress when my brain is not producing enough chemicals to help me think the way other people do. I do NOT see the alternatives during those moments. To me depression is as though someone has turned out all the lights in my head. I no longer see alternative pathways. I no longer feel hopeful. I no longer feel important or strong. I personally do manage to get out of bed most days, but I know many people who don't. So to tell someone who is already feeling bad about not being able to get up, or leave the house, that they should have the self awareness and discipline to exercise or meditate is just unrealistic. Plus, believe me when I say "You are NOT the first person to suggest this to a depressed person! If it were that simple, there would not be the mental health epidemic that there is."

In the end, it all boils down to stigmas and misconceptions. If we would all make a little more room in our lives to accept what other people believe, it could make a world of difference to everyone. Incorporating mind and body in ANY medical treatment is just a good idea. That said, knowing that people with mental illnesses have real medical conditions, that requires  real treatment, and not just a good talking to, is critical to making a difference in people's lives.

What is your opinion? Are you a Dr Weil fan? Do you believe in alternative medicines? Do you think there are links between diet, exercise, and depression, or is that just one more stigma for people with mental illness to battle?