Lesson Learned

It has been awhile since I written a blog entry. There has been too much going on to be able to document how I was feeling. Plus, with all the emotional turmoil, once I get the kid in bed, all I want is sleep!

Anyway, It only seems appropriate that I re-enter the blogaspher, with a lessons learned blog. So here goes...

What I have learned over the last month:

I am stronger than I think. More than once, recently, I have felt like I just could not take any more stress, pain, anxiety, whatever. Some days have been more of a struggle than others, but I have gotten through them all. One day at a time, one step at a time.

Good friends are an asset one should NOT underestimate. I have a really incredible group of friends who will support me through anything, who do not judge me for my mistakes, and who love me more unconditionally than ANY man ever has. (Some of them even cook me REALLY yummy food!) Leaning on them when I need to, has helped me immeasurably.

I am not the sum of my problems/ illnesses. I maybe sick (still no diagnosis). I may suffer from clinical depression and anxiety. I may have made some stupid choices in my life, but none of that defines me, it just adds depth!

Nose rings and medical tests don't mix. Damn thing was harder to get out than I expected, and it once I took it out the hole closed up in like no time flat!

People can surprise you. While my mother still seems to be having trouble full understanding clinical depression, she is for the first time in my life, talking how it effects my daily life, and stress level. She is also accepting, and encouraging me to continue on my medication and in counseling. BIG STEP!!!!

Broken promises can break relationships. If you break a promise by mistake, or on purpose, it changes your relationship with the person to whom the promise was made. Even little promises can add up to BIG mistrust and hurt feelings. respect the trust and feelings of those you love, own up to your mistakes, and (even though its a cliche) trust is something not easily earned.

Learn from your mistakes. Take ownership of all you do and say. even though we teach our children it is ok to make a mistake, we rarely believe it for ourselves. But it is ok. Embrace it, even if it feels uncomfortable, and above all learn from it. Be stronger, smarter, better because of it.

I love arts and crafts! There really is no better therapy for me than art therapy. It is an outlet for all I hold inside. It clears my mind, and makes me happy. It is also a great way to communicate and connect with my girly girl.

HAVE SOME FUN!!!! Once the depression hits I find it far too easy to shut myself off from the world, lock myself up at home, and sit around analyzing where I went wrong, over, and over, and over, and over (well you get it.) Anyone who suffers from depression knows, this only fuels the fire. Self analysis is great, but there is such a thing as too much of a good thing!

I actually kind-a like....me. Huh, who knew!? Yeah I'm quirky, I love aluminium Christmasmas trees, and campy roadside attractions. But, after hours of analysis (see above) I have decided I am not as bad as I thought i was. I am smart, cute, hysterical (just trust me on that one) talented, and AMAZING momma, and a good person. I could be worse!

Just Ok is Not Ok

I have not been writing much lately. It seems that life was pretty much kicking my a$$. In fact here is a list of other things I usually enjoy but have not been doing:
eating (I have one hell of a sweet tooth)
reading (books or blogs)
drawing
working full-time
playing with my kids
being outside
snuggling up for a nap with my dog
having sex
watching Jon Stewart...

I am sure you get the point. Here is what I have been doing:
sleeping (mostly during the day)
going to counseling (2x a week now)
increasing my meds
shaking
yelling
going from one medical test to another
dodging bill collectors
feeling nauseous
fighting with Chuck...

Again, I am guessing you get it. I am depressed and I am physically sick, and my sickness is making me depressed, and my depression is making me sick. My whole life feels like it is spinning out of control, and I am not saying this for dramatic effect, but I am motivated. I want to make changes. I want to regain control over the craziness (and by that I mean my life not my mental health). The biggest problem being that I have NO IDEA how to make these changes. I have spent weeks looking for the "redo" button, but came up with nothing. At this point, I would relocate, take a new job, refinance, rework, redo, go back to school if I thought it would help.

It seems, I have put myself in a situation where I am depending on people who are not reliable. So I find myself trying to cater to all these peoples needs and putting my priorities aside to pacify people who honestly, don't always treat me well because I feel like I need their help. I just don't know how to break away, and every time I get close some major drama happens. I feel like I have completely lost my sense of independence, my sense of self, along with my way in life.

I am ok. I am not fatally ill, I am not homeless, I am not starving, I am not alone. I am ok, but I am just ok, and I am not ok with just getting by. I want better, I deserve more, but I don't know how to get more. Have you gotten a new beginning? How did you do it? I know people do it, especially people who have depression, or other mental illnesses. They find healthier, less stressful, ways to live their lives, and I admire their strength. I admire their willingness to make their health a priority. I want need to simplify my life.  It shouldn't be this hard. Life should not be this hard. Any ideas how to start?

Just Listen

I am beginning to LOVE Grumble Sundays! I hope you are ok with a little venting this weekend. Ok or not here goes...

I am a Gemini, in addition to, one of those "creative types". This means my world is not black and white, it has many, many shades of gray (or even grey). I am a brainstormer, a ponderer, here in the USA I am what they might call a flip flopper. I am one of those people who doesn't buy and outfit until I have check several stores, just  in case there is something better at the next store. I can't help it, it's just the way I do things. If I am upset about something, I talk about it a lot, sometimes to many people. It is how I process events and emotions. I try not to reacted to things I find upsetting or bothersome right away. I process it first, look at it from other angles. I have found my first reaction to sometimes be very emotional and often defensive, and while occasionally that reaction is called for, often it is not. It may take me a day, or even a week to react, and even then I may fine that whatever it was, is really just not worth the time and the energy, and having already ranted about it, I just move on.

Now that I have rambled on in this way for a full paragraph I will get on with the grumble part now. I will break it down to two words: UNSOLICITED ADVICE let me first explain that I am well aware that the more people you talk to about a problem the more opinions you will get. I like opinions. It is part of my process, my brainstorming, gathering of various perspectives. However, there are times when I JUST need to vent. I just want to be able to voice my concerned in an environment that is open and safe. With someone who hears them and wants to know, understand how I feel. I don't want, or need, other people to solve my issues for me, and there is no need to shove your opinion on how I should handle my life's problems down my throat. First, because I'm not asking you to fix anything, and second, because it is after all, me that has to live with the consequences of both the problem and the solution. By insisting that you know EXACTLY what I need to do you are not helping me be more decisive it is just upsetting me more. I am alright with my process. I am ok with gray. I realize that it maybe frustrating for those who care about me to see me upset and not offer their advice. I just wish they could see that it is not helping me, it just makes me feel more anxious, and upset. Please just listen to me, let me vent, let me talk, and then let me process. Please!

What Is Reality?

<p>Sometimes, just the fact that I have been diagnosed with a metal illness, makes me question things I don't think I would have otherwise questioned. For example, when I was younger I had a boyfriend who was mentally and emotionally abusive. There were times when he would do, or say something, that my gut told me was wrong. Like so many abusers, he would of course argue with me that I, myself, had caused this to happen. That I was only causing myself pain, not him. This happened over and over until I began to question my own instincts. I began to feel that, maybe I WAS to blame. Maybe, I was truly not looking at the world wrong. Maybe, I was seeing a totally different picture than what was truly happening. This was a gauge I was never really able to reset, especially once I began therapy and was prescribed medications, both things that only happened to people who had MAJOR issues according to my family.  Those events in combination with being told continuously as a child that I was over reacting, overly sensitive, or overly dramatic, I beginning of my seeing myself as "crazy".

<p>Several times since then I have experienced major depressions, been put on different medications, had panic attacks, been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, and acted out in various self destructive and self defeating ways. All of these things just convinced me more and more that I am, indeed, a "crazy" person.

What I am left with is the inability to judge my own actions and feelings. I am constantly second guessing myself. Assessing, and reassessing my thought, feeling, and reactions. Whenever my interpretation of an event differs from other people's I begin to question my own gasp on reality. Even though I have never been diagnosed with any condition that would involve delusions of any kind, or any loss of a concept of reality, I have such a fear of being seen as "crazy", incapable, or off balance.

Lately, this sensation is getting worse for me. Chuck and I have been fighting viciously over the last week. Both of us stepping beyond the limits of a mature disagreement. Several times my feelings have been hurt so deeply, and I have felt so unloved and unimportant that I have flown off in intolerable rage. Often as things escalate, Chuck will tell me I need help, I am hysterical, or that I need more medication. This, of course translates in my head as, "You are crazy! I am discrediting everything you have just said because clearly you are out of your mind." This instantly makes me intensify out of sheer determination to be heard and important. Of course since this often involves screaming my head off and hurling objects at walls, and yes even at Chuck, it is also entirely self defeating. Afterward, mixed with the shame, hurt, anger, and frustration I feel the need to rehash the whole argument in my head trying, in vain, to figure out how two people could possibly see the same situation in such an extremely different way. Clearly, one of us must be completely out of touch with reality in order to be so far apart on our interpretation of one event. I begin to question my own sanity, my own ability to look at reality.

In addition, I have this horrible pain in my side and after 3 or 4 weeks of doctors visits, tests, and a trip to the ER I still have no answers. I am beginning to fear that people will begin to think there is nothing wrong with me. That this is a cry for attention, prescription medication, not as bad as I claim, or just psychosomatic. Meanwhile, the pain is getting worse and the constantness mixed with narcotic pain meds is beginning to effect my mental state as well as my physical. Then I begin to question if this pain is real.

Does this happen to other people? Do you ever have someone contradict your intuition, or interpretation of an event to the point that you begin to question your sanity, or am I SO trained that I am overly sensitive that I am now overly sensitive to being overly sensitive? I no longer know what's real and what's in my head.

My Top 5 Gripes (This Week)

Madam Bipolar has started Grumble Sunday, and being the glass half empty kinda gal that I am, I have decided to jump right on board. Since life has been...well...complicated recently, instead of going into a big explanation of my life's crappiness I will do a top five list of this weeks gripes.

#5 Chuck (the fiance) not only seems unable to put the lid back on the toothpaste, the milk, the aspirin, and so on, but he also then LOOSES the lids so that NO ONE can close them. I find lids and bottle caps in all his pockets and laying all over the house. How can you put milk away and NOT realize the lid is off and how hard is it to twist a small piece of plastic 3x with your fingers? (Yeesh!)

#4 Chuck wants to get rid of our pug mix. Yes, yes, I know he snorts, and wheezes and whines. And we call him the piddler since his previous owners left him with his "manhood" so he now pees on everything he deems as "his". And he is quite obviously dumb as a rock. I am aware we also have 2 kids and an increasing issues with our geriatric mess of an other dog. All that considered, I am still super attached to him. He is, after all, freakin hysterical (see attached pictures), and the best damn puggler in the house (he will puggle on my lap for hours. The fact that he is a pug mix gives us (ok me) hour of entertainment making up words to mix with pug, like pugtastic, pugtacular, puggle, pugly...Also, he is great with the kids, and frankly, I just like him, a lot and he makes me happy!

#3 I am currently wasting hours, and hours of my life waiting for doctors and test results, only to still have no diagnosis. Hours in waiting rooms, one whole flipping day at the ER, hours in exam rooms, hours waiting on techs to look at my test results, oh and about 15-20 with actual doctors. Yes, I know you are saving lives, bu for the love of Godzilla, my 2 kids and 2 dogs are not going to feed themselves. Then I get home and Chuck says "What the hell took you so long? It's been 2 hours." I want to tell him "The appointment itself only took like 1/2 an hour, but I have gotten behind on my daytime tv so I stayed on the waiting room another hour and 1/2 to catch up on All My Children and Judy Judy." I don' know why it took 2 hours it's the doctor's office that's just how it works.

#2 is another grumlbe related to my recent health issues. One word: referrals! Each new doctor, each new test the insurance company has to pre-approve and give a referral number for. REALLY? I mean REALLY? He same doctor can't run more than 1 test without a new number? Needless to say, I am in the beginning of week 3 of tests and week 4 of pain, waiting on referral # I don't know I lost track, for doctor #2 of 3 (4 if you count the ER doc) for test number 7 (ish) annnnnddddd n answers. Last test said maybe I have a "lazy stomach". WTF, a lazy stomach? Perhaps if I weren't taking so many medications to control the damn pain, my stomach would be so slow. Lord knows the rest of me has been walking around in drug induced haze for the last few weeks! I'm just sayin'.

#1 And my #1 grumble is my kids! Holy case of the cranky pants Batman!!!! It was fuss after fuss, whine after whine, tear filled moment after tear filled moment! My step-daughter is having the worsted week. To the point where Chuck is ready to snap, and my daughter has a cold so she is cranky and clingy. Chuck's daughter is always clingy, and with him just over it and me sick you can imagine patients is wearing thin. Hope we are all healthy again soon or people in China may hear my head explode over here in the US of A!

Oh and a bonus gripe. I have spent a week or 2 trying to figure out why my phone had stopped typing. I have DROID2 with the keyboard or touch screen option. Neither would let me type more than 1 word at a time before closing a screen. One day in the middle of a blog it just stopped. Turns out if I turn off the auto fill option, it works fine. Who needs a phone who tries to complete your sentences anyway? I mean I get enough of that from Chuck. ;o)

Is Control Controling You?

I have this reoccurring dream. In it I am in a moving car, that is out of control and speeding either in to traffic, or a tree, or cliff, or some other terrifying possible doom. Meanwhile I am in the backseat unable to regain control of the car. Sometimes it is just me and some times my daughter is also in the car. Occasionally, I can reach the steering wheel, but not the break, other dreams I can get to either. It took me years to figure out that that dream meant I felt like I had lost control in my life. The dream started when I was a teenager and involved with and abusive and controlling boyfriend, but continued throughout my adult life as I felt like I was being controlled by my parents, a man, or even a situation.

http://www.ineedmotivation.com/blog/tag/control/



Control (as defined by freedictionary.com)

con·trol (kn-trl)

tr.v. con·trolled, con·trol·ling, con·trols

1. To exercise authoritative or dominating influence over; direct. See Synonyms at conduct.

2. To adjust to a requirement; regulate: controlled trading on the stock market; controls the flow of water.

3. To hold in restraint; check: struggled to control my temper.

4. To reduce or prevent the spread of: control insects; controlled the fire by dousing it with water.

5.

a. To verify or regulate (a scientific experiment) by conducting a parallel experiment or by comparing with another standard.

b. To verify (an account, for example) by using a duplicate register for comparison.

n.

1. Authority or ability to manage or direct: lost control of the skidding car; the leaders in control of the country.

2.

a. One that controls; a controlling agent, device, or organization.

b. An instrument or set of instruments used to operate, regulate, or guide a machine or vehicle. Often used in the plural.

3. A restraining device, measure, or limit; a curb: a control on prices; price controls.

4.

a. A standard of comparison for checking or verifying the results of an experiment.

b. An individual or group used as a standard of comparison in a control experiment.

5. An intelligence agent who supervises or instructs another agent.

6. A spirit presumed to speak or act through a medium.

Seems to me that control is the bottom line in so many of life's conflicts and dilemmas. We fight for control of our children's behaviors and environment, our finances, our weight, our health. We become increasing frustrated when things in our life move beyond our control.

When our health goes in a direction we don't like and can't be improved or the cause is unknown, many people become depressed or angry. I am experiencing this now. Likewise, when your children are displaying behavior that we don't like, or choosing friends we don't prefer, though it is for their own good, we try to control that behavior, or exposure to the undesirable friend. When this fail we become angry, frustrated. We try yelling, bribing, reasoning, but the bottom line is that they are separate little people, with separate minds, and desires. While that is a good thing, something we even encourage, independent thinking and a strong sense of self, as a parent it is frustrating when we are trying to keep our children safe and set good boundaries for them. It is a hard line to walk at times. I think every parent has stepped over that line in an effort to exercise their parental authority, because they feel challenged by their child. Usually, ending in a crying child and upset parent. Again, not an easy line to walk.

Some of us want to control EVERY thing around us. Feeling like letting go of that control makes us vulnerable, able to be taken advantage of. Others, can not function without controlling their environment, maybe because they are easily distracted or forgetful, maybe they are OCD, maybe they just can't function in clutter. Whatever the reason control is often a huge issue in the work place as well. My co-worker is SO in need of control that he often takes over when someone else is talking to the owner, or a customer. He also keeps copies of pricing guides or memos at his desk that we all need access to, so that he always knows where they are. It annoys the rest of us, and with a boss that also is extremely disorganized and at once tries to micro manage parts of projects, while over looking other parts, it often makes for a disorganized and unproductive day full of just trying to chase down the materials you need.

In the end, one must learn that you can not control the actions of others, and the hard you try to, the harder you make things for yourself. People don't change the things they don't want to change, no matter what age they are. Pushing them usually only leads to hurt feelings between you both. Many of life's situations can not be changed either. You can't control the car breaking down, someone getting sick unexpectedly, that bill you hadn't counted on, the tree limb that fell on you garage, or a change in plans because of the weather. Often the more things you try to control the more things that feel out of control to you. Until you find yourself constantly trying to change what is not changeable, trying to make every situation into what you WANT it to be, instead of excepting what is. There is article after article about the key to happiness being the ability to let go. It is such a simple concept, not giving up, but knowing what can and can not be done. Why is it such an unreachable thing for so many of us? Why is it so hard to see when you are making your own life more difficult than it needs to be? How do you let go? Is it will, faith, Zenism? How doe you keep your need for control from controlling your life?

Rant

Okay, ok I admit it! I have been in self pity mode a lot lately, and today,  today is another one of those days. Actually, it is not so much self pity as much as it is an overwhelming hatred of my current life. (Notice I say current) I know I have things to be thankful for and blessing that other people don't have, but right now I am pissed of and in need of a good rant. This seems to be a more appropriate place than say...work, so bare with me while I let fly a bit. Here is the short list of crap I am sick of:

First I am pretty sure if I was a horse, someone would take me out back and shot me rather than pay my vet bills. Vicodin warranting pain for over a week now with little relief. Getting worse when ever I eat or move around too much. No that in and of itself is freakin annoying, as are the plethora of medical test I have had to have to try to diagnose the cause of pain, but to add injury to insult (or insult to injury, I always forget which way that goes) the last time I had this pain they took an organ and I am still in pain! That wasn't the first time they cut me open for this either. That was surgery #2 and guess what, I STILL don't know what's wrong with me! Now for an added twist they think something might be wrong with my kidneys (hopefully not) as well as whatever digestive issues they think I have. I am so tired of being tested, poked, prodded and having NO answers at the end.

Then there are the girls. Both sweet, kind hearted little girls who have NO idea how to live together or share my attention. One because she has spent the last 6 years as a fairly spoiled only child (that would be my daughter) and the other because she has never had someone pay so much attention to her and is still constantly (and I mean CONSTANTLY) vying for your attention, even if she already has your attention. They are constantly bickering over toys, talking over each other, whining that one is getting something the other is not, and arguing over who sits in my lap. Never mind the fact that NEITHER of them can actually sit on my lap because I am in so much friggin pain.

Chuck and I are constantly having heated conversations about everything. We are both continuously on empty both physically and emotionally. He is permanently on the defensive and I swing between wanting to disappear and wanting to scream until somebody listens to me. Mix that with his ADD and my being drugged for pain constantly. Its not good. Tonight my daughter said "Oh no you don't love Chuck anymore. You argue all the time now. So you are not going to get married and he is going to leave, and Sally won't get to live with us any more. Oh no, oh no." (Sigh) while I am trying to explain that's not true Chuck is saying "I'm not arguing with anyone." Ahhhhhhhhhhhh

Then there is money. We have WAY too little of it, and have not been good...ahhhh never mind I lost my Rant now.