I have this reoccurring dream. In it I am in a moving car, that is out of control and speeding either in to traffic, or a tree, or cliff, or some other terrifying possible doom. Meanwhile I am in the backseat unable to regain control of the car. Sometimes it is just me and some times my daughter is also in the car. Occasionally, I can reach the steering wheel, but not the break, other dreams I can get to either. It took me years to figure out that that dream meant I felt like I had lost control in my life. The dream started when I was a teenager and involved with and abusive and controlling boyfriend, but continued throughout my adult life as I felt like I was being controlled by my parents, a man, or even a situation.
Control (as defined by freedictionary.com)
tr.v. con·trolled, con·trol·ling, con·trols 1. To exercise authoritative or dominating influence over; direct. See Synonyms at conduct.
2. To adjust to a requirement; regulate: controlled trading on the stock market; controls the flow of water.
3. To hold in restraint; check: struggled to control my temper.
4. To reduce or prevent the spread of: control insects; controlled the fire by dousing it with water.
5. a. To verify or regulate (a scientific experiment) by conducting a parallel experiment or by comparing with another standard.
b. To verify (an account, for example) by using a duplicate register for comparison.
n.1. Authority or ability to manage or direct: lost control of the skidding car; the leaders in control of the country.
2. a. One that controls; a controlling agent, device, or organization.
b. An instrument or set of instruments used to operate, regulate, or guide a machine or vehicle. Often used in the plural.
3. A restraining device, measure, or limit; a curb: a control on prices; price controls.
4. a. A standard of comparison for checking or verifying the results of an experiment.
b. An individual or group used as a standard of comparison in a control experiment.
5. An intelligence agent who supervises or instructs another agent.
6. A spirit presumed to speak or act through a medium.
Seems to me that control is the bottom line in so many of life's conflicts and dilemmas. We fight for control of our children's behaviors and environment, our finances, our weight, our health. We become increasing frustrated when things in our life move beyond our control.
When our health goes in a direction we don't like and can't be improved or the cause is unknown, many people become depressed or angry. I am experiencing this now. Likewise, when your children are displaying behavior that we don't like, or choosing friends we don't prefer, though it is for their own good, we try to control that behavior, or exposure to the undesirable friend. When this fail we become angry, frustrated. We try yelling, bribing, reasoning, but the bottom line is that they are separate little people, with separate minds, and desires. While that is a good thing, something we even encourage, independent thinking and a strong sense of self, as a parent it is frustrating when we are trying to keep our children safe and set good boundaries for them. It is a hard line to walk at times. I think every parent has stepped over that line in an effort to exercise their parental authority, because they feel challenged by their child. Usually, ending in a crying child and upset parent. Again, not an easy line to walk.
Some of us want to control EVERY thing around us. Feeling like letting go of that control makes us vulnerable, able to be taken advantage of. Others, can not function without controlling their environment, maybe because they are easily distracted or forgetful, maybe they are OCD, maybe they just can't function in clutter. Whatever the reason control is often a huge issue in the work place as well. My co-worker is SO in need of control that he often takes over when someone else is talking to the owner, or a customer. He also keeps copies of pricing guides or memos at his desk that we all need access to, so that he always knows where they are. It annoys the rest of us, and with a boss that also is extremely disorganized and at once tries to micro manage parts of projects, while over looking other parts, it often makes for a disorganized and unproductive day full of just trying to chase down the materials you need.
In the end, one must learn that you can not control the actions of others, and the hard you try to, the harder you make things for yourself. People don't change the things they don't want to change, no matter what age they are. Pushing them usually only leads to hurt feelings between you both. Many of life's situations can not be changed either. You can't control the car breaking down, someone getting sick unexpectedly, that bill you hadn't counted on, the tree limb that fell on you garage, or a change in plans because of the weather. Often the more things you try to control the more things that feel out of control to you. Until you find yourself constantly trying to change what is not changeable, trying to make every situation into what you WANT it to be, instead of excepting what is. There is article after article about the key to happiness being the ability to let go. It is such a simple concept, not giving up, but knowing what can and can not be done. Why is it such an unreachable thing for so many of us? Why is it so hard to see when you are making your own life more difficult than it needs to be? How do you let go? Is it will, faith, Zenism? How doe you keep your need for control from controlling your life?
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