Introducing Meditation ~ Vegetarian

Introducing Meditation ~ Vegetarian

Don't Pretend My Elephant isn't Real

So I am wondering why no one seems to understand me. Am I not expressing myself well? Do most people not care? Do peopele expect me to be stronger than I am? Do I treat myself with so little self respect that it seems ok to talk down to me? Do people just not get how much anxiety and depression truly affect you? Whatever the reason, I feel like I am constantly trying to get people to understand what's going on with me. Yet they still seem to push, or disregard, or talk down to me for my "weakness" or "moodiness". When you tell someone close to you that you feel as though you are beginning to reach a limit on what you can handle before you reach self district they should take you seriously, right? Maybe I expect to much. Maybe I expect people to SEE I am falling apart and offer support instead of asking for support. It often feels to me like when I do ask for help (not from my counselor, but rather friends or family) that it is either not heard, or is more of a pat on the back and then it is forgotten. My father (who is also my boss) will say "go do some work therapy" meanwhile, I am proud of myself for even getting out of bed that day. My parents are the worst at understanding, and being supportive of my mental health problems. They don't believe in meds. They don't believe in counseling. They believe you suck it up and move on. It is hard to explain to people around you, even friends and relatives at times that you just can't. You can not just snap out of it. You can not explain why you are crying nor can you stop. No it is not "just life" (that's my mom's favorite) it is more than that for people who have issues with depression. And NO it is not acceptable to talk to me like I am incapable, or crazy. I understand the scope of things just fine. I am not weak or overly sensative. I have a real issueand I am really struggling. I will not just feel better tomorrow. And telling me those things only makes me feel worse, and if I say I am reaching my breaking point I mean it. Panick attacks, cutting, the overwhelming desire to hide away from some place so I can be left alone, I mean it! I am not looking for attention or being dramtic. I am very, very real!

Just Hug Me

Do you ever just wish you could lay your head on some one's shoulder and have the weight taken off of your shoulders for just a moment? I am really feeling lately and I am wishing someone could lighten the load for me just for an hour or so. In my estimation, that is one of the main problems that Chuck and I seem to have. We are both struggling right now, both depressed, and both stressed, both anxious. I mean who wouldn't be? All of the stress with Chuck's daughter, him not having a job, my job not being stable, both of already having a history of anxiety and depression. Chuck spoke to Child Services today, and it sounded as though some of his concerns about his daughter's mother had not been looked into, which means more waiting, more stress. It is hard to support someone when you are feeling so down yourself. It all makes our home feel very tense, not like the safe haven we would like it to be. Is there a way to shut out the world when the world seems to be continually banging on your door? What happens if the world doesn't even knock, just barges right in and makes themselves at home? Or what if one of you is inviting the world in, but the other wants to keep them out? We have that issue often too. The whole situation with Chuck's daughter is feeling more, and more serious and urgent to me now, yet there is nothing I can do about any of it. I feel helpless, nervous, and like I am just weighting for a cat to pounce. I do not trust his ex. She does not see the world as others do, and she often blames Chuck for situations, she herself has created. And I do not mean in the traditional my ex is such a jerk sense, but more a I know I am unable to function and care for my child so I am going to accuse her father of something even more disturbing and scary so I look good sense. I am so confused, and scared, and angry with this woman. Wait...wait...wait...today's blog is about support right? Sorry like I said before. THIS is what seems to have CONSUMED our life for the last week. I just need some love, and some support and a HUGE hug, and I know Chuck does too. I just don't know why we seem unable to give that too each other when we are in the same house.

The Show

The Show

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze and love is a riddle
I don't know where to go I can't do it alone I've tried
And I don't know why

Slow it down
Make it stop--
Or else my heart is going to pop
'Cause it's too much
Yeah, it's a lot
To be something I'm not

I'm a fool
Out of love
'Cause I just can't get enough

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze and love is a riddle
I don't know where to go I can't do it alone I've tried
And I don't know why

I am just a little girl lost in the moment
I'm so scared but I don't show it
I can't figure it out
It's bringing me down I know
I've got to let it go
And just enjoy the show

The sun is hot
In the sky
Just like a giant spotlight
The people follow the signs
And synchronize in time
It's a joke
Nobody knows
They've got a ticket to that show
Yeah

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze and love is a riddle
I dont know where to go, can't do it alone I've tried
And I don't know why

I am just a little girl lost in the moment
I'm so scared but I don't show it
I can't figure it out
It's bringing me down I know
I've got to let it go
And just enjoy the show oh oh oh

Just enjoy the show oh oh oh

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze and love is a riddle
I dont know where to go I can't do it alone I've tried
And I don't know why

I am just a little girl lost in the moment
I'm so scared but I don't show it
I can't figure it out
It's bringing me down I know
I've got to let it go
And just enjoy the show oh oh oh

Just enjoy the show

dum de dum
dudum de dum

Just enjoy the show

dum de dum
dudum de dum

Just enjoy the show

I want my money back
I want my money back
I want my money back

Just enjoy the show

I want my money back
I want my money back
I want my money back

Just enjoy the show

Read more: http://artists.letssingit.com/lenka-lyrics-the-show-36mcxdj#ixzz1WWl3ULLJ
LetsSingIt - Your favorite Music Community

Too Much Coffee????

Perhaps it is the 12 cups of coffee I drank today, the looming visit from Child Services, the total lack of money, work stress, raising a child, or hormones, whatever the cause I seem to be increasingly on edge lately. I have been trying to meditate, draw, blog, breath, anything that might help me keep it together. Yet today, when the tension rod thingy (yes that IS the technical term) from the toilet paper holder popped out shooting across the room and making a loud pop when I reached for it earlier, I jumped and shrieked loudly enough that my co-worker heard me at the front of the store. Oh yeah, did I mention this was at work? I go back to the Psych Doc in about a week. Last time I was there we changed my antidepressant from Cymbalta to Paxil in an attempt to help with anxiety. I really don't like meds like Xanex, but I am beginning to feel that if I do not do something my head might explode! Are there coping strategies I am missing, or do I break down and use meds temporarily just for my own metal stability? Chuck is a meds person. He has no fear of taking anxiety or depression meds, but I am more hesitant. In my early 20's I had a REALLY bad doctor who had me one a REALLY large amount of drugs and I did not do well with it. No I try to do everything I can to avoid taking anything beyond the minimal amount of medication I can. The problem with this is, that as anyone who has experienced anxiety or depression knows, when you are in the midst of it you don't always see yourself as clearly as you otherwise might. That means that occasionally I do not ask for help until I am literally loosing sleep, weight, and my already questionable sanity. So when do you say when? I know I am being short with my family. I know I am crying and awful lot, and I know I am incredibly jumpy, but I am scared that more drugs= more side affects + more money. How do you know what is best? How do you balance the side affects with the symptoms if it is something that is not black and white, not life altering? I do not want to feel like this all the time, but I do not want to feel "drugged" either. I have been drugged to the point where I felt like the drugs made me feel less sane rather than more sane. It is a scary feeling. I have a much better doc now, but what if the idea of anti-anxiety meds makes you anxious? How do you handle that?

What to do Once the Elephant is Seen

Dealing with your own metal illness is a challenge, but dealing with someone else is even harder, especially when it is severe and it affects your child. What if to make things even MORE complicated you are no longer involved with the metally ill person? Where do the rights of the sick person end and the rights of the child begin? This is a question mental rights and family advocates, child services, and Chuck and I try to negotiate regularly. Over the last week it is a question that seems to have taken over or lives. We have know that Chuck's ex has several major mental health diagnosises, and we have had increasing concern for his daughter and the way they live. However, we believed his ex was being treated and getting help fr om the state in dealiing with their daughter. So we felt there was a safety net in place for them both. This week learned things have taken a major turn for the worse. We wonder what is best for everyone involved. Is someone with as severe a mental illness able to take care of a child? How much damage has been done already and how do you help a young child overcome something so dramatic as dealing with a sick parent? Can you explain to a mother who has little concept of the world outside her own deeply confused mind what danger she might be putting her child in? What is the affect of introducing a child who has been in such an unstable enviornment have on an already established family that has other children in the home? How do you coparent with someone who seems to be so removed from reality, possibly pathological? How do you keep you family safe from the toxic affects of the other person's illness? Living a considerable distance from the child and her mother how do we determine how much danger she is in? How sick her mother truly is? Or do we trust an overloaded child services case manager to determine that? I can't answer ANY of these questions, but I know they have been spinning in a continual loop in my head for the last week. I suspect they will continue to spin for weeks to come.

Who Made This Mess!?

Alright, one more post for tonight. (This one slightly more light hearted than the last) I pose a question to you. Yes, you anyone who maybe ready. I just saw an article on pets and anxiety level, and this is somewhat of an on going debate in my house. Do pets increase or decrease your level of happiness and anxiety? I am an animal lover! I have never NOT had a pet. At most points in my life I have had more than one for legged friend. I have an especially soft spot for dogs. They are loyal, they accept you for just who you are, and they are ALWAYS happy to see you. And over all, they are pretty simplistic in that if you love them and treat them well, they return that energy too you. Each dog has its own unique personality and issues, just like humans. So in our house we have pets, and I adore them. They make me laugh. They snuggle with me. They show me affection when I am lonely, and they watch over us as a family. Protect us from the evil thunder storm, or the dreaded neighborhood bunny. (We live in a pretty mellow little town) That being said our pets are what I call "special needs" animals. In other words they are rescue animals who have some issues. They both have some degree of separation anxiety making them ESPECIALLY needy all the time and constantly under foot. One suffers so severely that she become panicked and distructive when left alone (less so now that she is ederly and not as mobile) They other is super sweet but really not the sharpest knife in the drawer, so to speak. Also, needs constant supervision because he likes to mark things as being his. Once even went as far as to make me as his territory. Needless to say, there is often quite a lot of cleaning up after them to do. In combination with the added financial burden, you can understand there is some level of stress that goes along with this. Now Chuck never really had pets growing up, so this whole experience is new to him. He enjoys them and is attached to them, but let's be honest, he would probably not have a pet if it were not for me. They are definitely NOT his four legged babies like they are mine. His argument is that with kids and all we have had going on for the last year, that they are just one more thing to worry about, and they are. Some days I feel like he is right and it is too much for us, but the next minute one of them makes me laugh so hard, or feel so loved that I can't imagine not having them. It is hard to find that balance though, between work and enjoyment, and between pet lover and pet liker. So do they add to our happiness as a family, or our anxiety?

Am I Angry...or am I Growing?

Once you become a grown up, you kinda get that life isn't always fair...or at least you should. Also, as an adult you can of except that, right? I mean most days I am ok with it. My life is not perfect, but I have a lot to be thankful for too. Lately, though...not so much. I have been having a rough week...errr month...ummm...let's say year, and frankly I am start to reach my limit. I am really, really angry, and frankly I know there is not a damn thing I can do about it, but vent. In the last year Chuck and I have both lost jobs, we have both had loved ones die, I have been hospitalized and had to have surgery. We have had battles with each other, exes, with my family, and several emergencies/ major dramas involving his daughter. WTH? What have I done to deserve all of this? I am a good person. I try to be goood to others. I work hard. I would move mountains for my family, and espcially my child. I am honest, and kind, socially minded, compassionate. Yet it just continues to build. I believe strongly that everything happens for a reason, and that the greatest amount of growth comes out of the biggest challenges, but yow! How much did I need to learn/ grow? I once heard a person on the radio talking about his belief in God. He explained that we all assume God put us here to find happiness and fulfillment, but what if that's not true? What if God put us here to learn from each other, to grow as individuals, and as a species? And when do we grow the most? Is it when you are happy and fulfilled? No. It is often when you are facing adversity. I often remember that when I am feeling especially angry, tired, overwhelmed, or hopeless. It helps me to look at the bigger picture instead of that moment of pain. Lately, I think I have been forgetting that. The moment of pain is becoming one day of crisis after another and it is hard to see beyond that. Then it becomes easy to begin to loose hope, easy to start to point fingers at those around me, and even easier to beat myself up. Angry is a legitimate feeling. Something we all experience, but it is also something that can distroy you slowly, if you allow it too. I am bigger than that! I am better than that! I am alright with the fact that I get angry. It can help motivate change, but I can not let it consume who I am. I will focus on finding real,proactive ways to deal with it. I am going to choose to believe that this" string of bad luck" shall we say, is just a path to something bigger than I am able to see right now. I will continue to have faith in what is meant to be.

Drugging the Elephant

antidepressant use climbs as primary care doctors do the prescribing

It was interesting that I found this article today. Chuck and I were just talking about this last night. I believe that the problem here is two ply. First, we are lazy Americans who want a magic pill to make everything better. That pill has side affects, that's okay there is a pill for that too. We do not want to take a good long look at ourselves or the direction we have gone as a society and make the hard decisions we should be making. Or healing the the wounds we should be healing. We want to skim the surface, of our emotions, and continue taking the pill or eating the food, or buying the products that make us feel good for the moment. It is ALL about instant gratification. Plus, we are egotistical as Americans. We believe we know better than the rest of the world, and that there is no need to look at the way other cultures maintain their health, mental or physical, so holistic and whole person approaches are ignored. We treat the illness or the symptoms, but not the whole person. We place NO emphasis on how the mind affects the body. Reflection, emotional awareness, and depression are all considered weakness (especially among men) in our society. Meditation, mindfulness, yoga... are all more excepted, but mostly considered "new age" and not give much thought as viable options for most people. Proper diet and exercise are not as focused on as being "skinny" is. No one seems to care that ALL of that affects our moods. Don't get me wrong I am FAR from being Tom Cruise on this issue. I have been on antidepressants since I was 19. There is a very real need for them as PART of treatment for metal illness, not as the only treatment.

I think the second reason is that there is still so much of a stigma about metal illness and depression. People don't want to admit they have a problem, to themselves or to others. It makes it incredibly hard to get help and maintain your mental health if you do not have a recovery plan and support team. It is much easier to tell work, family, friends that you are going to you PCP for a check up then to go to a Psychiatrist and separate therapist to be diagnosed and treated properly. That is why it is so, so very important that we continue to make strides on improving the basic understanding and education of metal illness today and depression. You CAN NOT just snap out of it, you are NOT crazy if you need help, and you CAN get treatment and feel better.

Dealing with an Elephant

Tonight is an especially hard night. I had a bad day at work, also a busy and exhausting day. All I wanted to do was come home to my happy little family, or at least what I thought was my happy little family. When I got home Chuck had cleaned up and had dinner made. My daughter ran out to meet me in the driveway with a hug. It seemed like just the retreat from my crazy day that I was needed. But then the tide turned and my daughter started acting crazy and testing my nerves. As soon as I got her to bed and came downstairs to finally spend some time with Chuck, the thing I was looking forward to all day, he starts in on me about the house and the dogs. Seemed as though he had been storing it up all evening...of course I get pissed and throw a loose my temper, because frankly that is what I do best. all said and done, I feel horrible and I am alone. crying.

I am thinking about my old habits of cutting, but knowing that is not an option I just crying and hoping the sleeping meds kick in soon.

The truth is I kinda saw this coming. Chuck is home a lot now that he is not working, our house is less than organized and the animals are a handful. It is hard to take care of a house, pets, dinner, and help raise a child. Lots of stay at home moms and dads will tell you that. It is normal to feel burnt out or just flat out get tired of taking care of everyone. I try to tell him over and over how grateful I am, but I know from experience, some times even that doesn't help. Likewise, it is hard to work all day then come home to all the needs of the house and family. There is a lot of pressure to make the small family company I work for...well, work. Since it is our only income currently.

Meanwhile, I have felt myself feeling less and less stable as of late. I have rages. They generally happen when I have tried all my coping mechanisms without results, and/or I am totally overwhelmed and tired (ie- my tool bag is empty). Currently, I feel all of the above. I feel myself ready to fly off the handle at any given moment. I am also finding myself feeling increasingly depressed. It is like I see the tailspin coming, but I can't seem to pull out of it. The fighting is increasing with Chuck, and my normal calm mothering style is more erratic. There is more yelling over all and it makes me feel like a horrible partner and mom. How can I expect to raise a happy healthy kid if I can't deal with my own emotions? It breaks my heart, and makes me feel more helpless and weak. What do I do? How do I regain control of my own emotional well being? I have counseling on Friday. I hope to be able to get a plan together. So far it seems all she has been able to do is help me through one crisis after another. I am tired of crisi and constant drama! Where is my little slice of happy? My mental illness makes me feel weak and cazy in the most negative sense of the word. I hope that someone is ready this blog, and I hope it is someone like me. Someone, who will suddenly feel less alone, less weak, less crazy. And even if not, I am thankful to have this blog as an outlet tonight. I way to deal with my pain that makes me feel braver & stronger.

oh lord please don't let me be misunderstood

first, let me say i am again writing from my cell phone, so bare with me. anyway, i have found that having been diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety disorsers are some times a blessing and a curse. for myself i feel like...ohhhhh so thatms the problem. however, foro those around me i often feel it is used as just another excuse to ignore my feelings/need. a kind of a, ohhhh do not mind her, she is crazy kind of a thing. how can something that help me understand myself better make me so much less understood by those who care about me

misery loves company

let me start this post by saying that i am posting tonight from my phone, so please excuse the spelling errors and such. i feel like a true crazy person today. i have been in such a funk and i have no idea why. i actually have a three day weekend, chuck and i had an excellent couples counseling session yesterday, i even took a nap today. but still i am just miserable. i can not pin point exactly why either. it is driving me crazy. i want to enjoy my life, my time with my friends and family this weekend. it is rare that i get a weekend off. i did get my meds refilled yesterday so i did get some sleep. i want so badly to just snap myself out of it. i find my boiling point to be really low on days like today. i do not feel i have been very loving to chuck or very pateint with my daughter or our ultra needy, must be on your lap at all times dog. i am going to try some self medicating with a drink or too and hope that tomorrow is a brighter day.

No Use Crying Over Lost Sleep...or Is There?

Why it is OK to lay on your bedroom floor crying

Sleep & Moods

OK so I had planned for today's entry to be about daughters and how our images of ourselves affect them and how they see themselves. However, by about 11AM today I discovered (quite accidentally) that I seem to be an emotional wreck today, and I am not entirely sure why. I just feel this overwhelming desire to burst into tears at any moment. While I believe there is nothing wrong with the occasional good cry, crying at work for no reason is often frowned upon. Also, constant crying with no real cause often make people wonder/worry about your stability and basic ability to function. Something, I too, worry about my own ability to do. Right now I may be a touch on the hormonal side, but over all I think it is lack of sleep. No matter how much I try to convince my mind and body that it is REALLY very simple, you get tired, you close your eyes and sleep, it doesn't seem to be that simple for me. So I have been taking Ambien for about a year now. While I now have occasional episodes where I do or say things I have NOOO recollection of, I do sleep more...except when I run out. Which is what just happened, and of course I had not noticed the prescription had no refills left. So it has taken several days to get it from the doctor, to the pharmacy, to me. In the meantime, sleep is alluding me. I know people who get all slap happy when they are sleep deprived, people who get cranky. Not me. I get cranky AND depressed. Chuck will tell you the 2 things that negatively affect my mood the most is not eating and not sleeping. I become quite the crazy person. I try my best to eat when I need to (not always easy working in retail and raising a small child) and to sleep. I take naps regularly.

When I went through the darkest period of my depression and anxiety, sleep was a huge issue. The antidepressants messed up my sleep patterns and the added anxiety made it hard to settle my uneasy mind. I began having panic attacks. My father began to pick up on the fact that the days where the attacks were the worst, the days the rendered me helpless, where often after an especially bad night of sleep. It is a vicious cycle for me. High anxiety makes it hard to settle down and sleep, no sleep causes increase anxiety, less sleep, more anxiety, less sleep...That's why I did eventually turn to medication. Though that has its definite cons as well. Memory laps being one of the biggest, but also, I have a young child. Anyone with young children knows that things come up in the middle of the night, sickness, bad dreams, thunder storms. I wanted to be sure I was able to be there if she needed me, especially when I was a single mom. But by not getting enough sleep at night I was not able to be fully there for her during the day. I was moody, distracted, and in a fog often. Using the TV as a babysitter while I napped, or zoned out. So I chose to try the meds. So far I have been ok enough to respond, though details are often fuzzy in the morning. It often feels like coping with my depression and moods is a constant balancing act though. One I am not always good at.

Does this Mood Make Me Look Fat?

Folding Chair-I've got a perfect body, but sometimes I forget
I've got a perfect body, 'cause my eyelashes catch my sweat
yes they do
They do

Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh-ooh
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

Present/Infant-
lately i've been glaring into mirrors
picking myself apart
you'd think at my age
i'd of thought of something better to do
then make insecurity into a full time job
make insecurity into an art
(yea and i) fear my life will be over
(and i) will have never lived it unfeathered
always glaring into mirrors
mad i don't look better
now here's this tiny baby
and they say she looks just like me
and she is smiling at me
with that present infant glee
yes and i would defend to the ends of the earth
her perfect right to be, (be, be, be)
so i'm begining to see some problems
with the ongoing work of my mind
and i've got myself a new mantra
it says "don't forget to have a good time"
don't let the sellers of stuff
have power enough
to rob you of your grace
love is all over the place
there's nothing wrong with your face
love is all over the place
there's nothing wrong with your face
lately i've been glaring into mirrors
picking myself apart

Ahhhhhh Regina, Ani you are wise, wise women! Why is it then that SO many educated, intelligent, modern, BEAUTIFUL women still doubt there physical attractiveness? A loaded question I know, with no simple answer, but as a mother of a beautiful, warm, charismatic little girl I find I am constantly looking for the answer. I am currently reading  Cinderella Ate My Daughter (a recommended read for all moms of girls I must say!) and it is amazing the lengths the world of marketing goes to to enforce the picture perfect, princess image to our girls, but in keeping with the idea of how our metal "defects" affect our families I would like to look at this tissue on a more personal level, a more fundamental level, a level we have a very real amount of control over. That is, what messages do we as moms send our children about weight and appearance? I grew up in an environment that was very focused on appearance, physical appearance and social appearance. What people thought of us as a family and as individuals was considered to be of utmost importance! What people thought of us as children was considered to be a DIRECT reflection of the type of family and parents we had. Embarrassing my parents was considered to be the worst insult a child could bestow on them. My mother made sure we were dressed in clothes that were better than we could afford, our hair was ALWAYS done, and smiles were on our faces. Let me just say, that's a lotta pressure on a kid. Of course, to be fair, she put the same amount of pressure on herself to be equally as perfect looking. Every weight gain (ours or hers) was noted, sometimes subtly, sometimes not. I know this was something that my sister and I carried into our teenage and adult lives. It is still something we talk about. It is evident when ever there is a family crisis, or a big family event, my sister and I will spend hours talking about, debating, and trying on clothes and shoes. We will then talk jewelry, hair, and make-up and totally ignore the emotional part of whatever event we are about to attend. Then we openly, and sometimes harshly criticize each other's clothes, hair, shoes, adding to the pressure to "get it right".

Later in life this has translated for me into some body image distortions. I went through a time where I had some major emotional issues, and I felt out of control. What I could control, however, was what and how much I ate. It felt good to me to have the will power to not eat. People noticed how much weight I was loosing and commented on it. I knew it was unhealthy, but let's face it, the focus in our society is not to be healthy, but to be SKINNY! Perfectly, controllable skinny! 96 pounds skinny in fact. I was able to over come this to a degree with the help of my counselor. However, I still struggle with my body. The anti-depressant I take has made me gain weight recently, and I am miserable about it. Add to that the stretch marks from pregnancy, and scaring from 2 separate laparoscopic surgeries and you have a bad mix for someone who already wasn't happy with their body. Getting dressed is a constant struggle. Pictures are not something I care to deal with EVER, and special occasions make me hyper ventilate. Special occasions mean pictures AND stress about what I am wearing and how it fits! It affects my mood, my sex drive, my self confidence, to say nothing of my desire to be seen in a swim suit. Then I feel anxious and depressed, which makes me wanna eat, which makes me feel bad, which makes me wanna eat...

I try not to dwell on it or talk about it to much in front of my daughter, but it is hard. I am sure she picks up on the 7 outfit changes, and all the fussing when I am getting ready. Which is a whole nother blog in, and of itself.  So there ya have it, tomorrows entry. How do we stop the cycle of hating our appearance when it is so deeply ingrained in our society, our gender, and our families?

Don't Rain On My Parade

Today's elephant is self-esteem. Not just our own, but other people's and how it affects us and our daily lives. I am not one of those people who is able to tune out other people's negativity out. I wish I were, but I find more often it cuts right through me. Take yesterday as an example, I was in a pretty good mood. Having an ok kind of a day. Then near the end of the day, one person, who was apparently have a worse day, decided to share with me. I did react with "that was just rude" which was met with more nasty comments, and in a mater of 2 minutes time my whole mood and outlook had changed. My fiance has read about Highly Sensitive People http://www.hsperson.com/ and wonders if I may be in that camp. Either way, yesterdays encounter though only about 5 minutes in total length left me in a bad mood and feeling bad about myself for hours after. I know logically that everyone has their own issues, and while it is not right to take them out on others, it is not anything personal toward me. Yet when it comes from someone you are close to, and is about your appearance, inelegance, or life it is hard NOT to take it personally. So how do you not let it ruin your day? How do you not let someone who's personal self-esteem or mental state is unstable take you down when they lash out at you in a personal or abusive way? Is it simply a mater of having enough self-esteem stored up to withstand the blow?

Currently, my fiance (who we will call Chuck) has been laid off. His job is something he has struggled with since we met. It is also, as with most men, a major source of his self-esteem. I know he often worries that he has let me down, that he is not contributing enough to our family. He feels badly that he did not finish his degree, and he is angry with himself sometimes for not "living up to his potential". He feels depressed being home all day long while I am at work. As a couple we struggle with all these things, in addition to the stress that a dip in his income has caused. About a month ago we started couple's counseling to help us communicate about and deal with these issues. Feeling "not good enough" is a constant struggle for us both. It makes us defensive, depressed, and extra sensitive, making it harder to communicate. It often seems to cause us to pull away from each other at a time when we need to be supporting each other. One of my former counselors once told me that each person has an emotional bank account. When yours is empty it makes it impossible for you to make withdraws from it in order to make deposits in someone else's account. A new twist on the old you can't love someone else, until you love yourself. But what if the person you are dealing with is unaware that their bank account is low, or even that they are making you feel bad? On the flip side, sometimes overdrawing your account slightly can have big returns. This morning, knowing I had felt especially bad last night, and that I have been struggling with the fact that I recently gained weight, Chuck gave me a hug and told me how pretty I look today. It improved my mood and made me feel ok with myself. In return, I am now able to be more loving and supportive toward him through out the day. Instead of being introverted and depressed all day.

Introducing the Elephant

That is unless you are at one of my family gatherings, and then it is reversed. One in four of us is "normal" and the rest are insane! Actually, according to Mental Health America 54 million Americans suffer from some type of mental illness every year. That means millions of American families are affected by these mental disorders. How do we cope? How do you help a loved one who is having problems? THAT is the elephant in the room. It has been an elephant in my room since I was about 19. Often the elephant was dressed up, covered up, disguised as something else, and occasionally talked about but it was always there. So I am starting this blog. Part therapy session, part advice column, part comic relief, and hopefully something I will get some input from readers to help us all talk about the elephant. 

Let me start with what my elephant looks like. I have been diagnosed, and treated for clinical depression, anxiety, and self mutilation (ie cutting) and I threw in some standard "girl" stuff like an abusive ex and some body image issues, just to round it out. Writing it down is scary, putting it out there is scary, but over all I don't think I am all that "abnormal". However, what I have learned is that the people in my life who love me, can get pretty freaked out by all of this, especially if they don't understand all of it. And I am often concerned about the messages I am sending to my daughter. Will she hate her body because mommy hated to try on clothes or worried about looking fat all the time? Will she be able to be happy if she sees mommy on a constant mood roller coaster? I read books on child development, and raising strong girls all the time, but how much is nature and how much is nurture? At 6 there is already concern about her anxiety level. What does a middle class 6 year old who is healthy and has a somewhat charmed life have to be anxious about? Heredity, that's what! When you mix two parents with their own issues what does that mean for the child? My father is fond of joking that with my genetic cocktail I had no chance. While it makes people laugh I do wonder how true that is. And further more, how does the not always stable mood or actions of a parent affect a child? And what if BOTH parents are that way? 

I think that all too often families don't talk about these things. All too often mental illness, even mild cases IS the elephant in the room. So this is my attempt to call attention to it, find some support, help others, and explore family and relationship development when metal illness is present.

Here is the link to Mental Health America and their article about mental illness and families:

http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/go/information/get-info/mi-and-the-family/recognizing-warning-signs-and-how-to-cope